PMS
by Draqonelle
Summary: After a rough semester at Hogwarts, Remus Lupin goes through the joys of motherhood, AU Book 3 1/2 spoilers for PoA
1. Chapter 1Adventures in Teddy Sitting

PMS

               After a rough semester at Hogwarts, Remus Lupin is going through the joys of motherhood, yes you heard me right.  MOTHERHOOD! If the school is shocked by the revelation, imagine when they found out who the Daddy is… American Werewolves, Microphone ovens and angst abound.  AU Book 3 ½ Spoilers for the Prisoner of Azkaban 

Lesson 1: Never Give a Werewolf a Teddy Bear

The problem didn't really become noticeable for the first few weeks. Sure he was thin, but he had always been that way, he'd also always had a sad air about him.  With his dog completely gone he just seemed to fade into a melancholy.

Three weeks into class, Lupin didn't even bother to leave the thing in his room. He walked into the Defense Against the Dark Arts, class with his little "friend" Kameron, the stuffed panda.  

Kameron (with a K, that stood for Katherine, Professor Lupin's Mother) had his name carefully embroidered into his little neatly stitched shirt which Lupin had made for him.  Harry recognized it as one of those cutesy Beanie Weenies or whatever they were. He was an average glass eyed panda, of course a little dirty from Lupin carrying him around everywhere.  He was also a muggle thing, meaning he was entirely mundane and made of cotton.  If he had been a magic charm or something perhaps it would make sense for a wizard to have such a thing.  Maybe it had wolfsbane stuffing in it or some kind of Catnip.  But it was made of nothing but polyester and plastic.

"Isn't it a marvelous day?  Good Afternoon Class."

"Good Afternoon Professor Lupin."

"Say hello Kameron."

He waved the bear's arm.

The befuddled students looked at each other "Hullo Kameron."

The students looked worried.  They loved their DaDA teacher; he was a caring, considerate and patient man.  It befuddled them to see such a pillar of their community talking to a stuffed panda.  He still was a good teacher.  They were far ahead in the syllabus and most of them had gotten B's or greater on the last essay.  They were taking a week to learn about Oriental Goblins, with permission from the Board of Governors.  Apparently Remus Lupin had published a book over the summer on the subject.  They were all very interested already.

"Mr. Weasely, if you'd be so kind, Kameron would like to sit on your desk.  So I can keep an eye on him."

Ron Weasely gulped "Me?"

Professor Lupin smiled and pet the stuffed toy "Oh yes.  Daddum's widdle boy gets in all kinds of twouble."  He delicately set Kameron on the desk. "Oh I think he likes you Mister Weasely."

"Crackers." Weasely said smiling worriedly.

Harry Potter also seemed to have a smile of mixed dread.

Professor Lupin laid the panda on his back.

"I think he's going to take a nap. Shhh." He held his finger to his lips. "Kamewon weren't like when hims Daddy dalks and dalks. No no no.  Daddy dalks awot."  Professor Lupin said his voice deep and lispy, his own brand of baby talk.

"Now we will be discussing the Tanuki and Kitsune shapeshifter demons, and tomorrow we'll begin the chapter on The Tengu Mountain Ogre. Peaches and slugs will be generously provided out of the leftovers in the Potions class."

"Uggg." The class let out a collective shrug.

"Now class, whatever works against the dark arts.  Once a child was able to scare a 4000 pound chu lin with a five colored string.  So we must become more multi-culturally diverse in our discourse."

"Now." He pulled down a picture of a huge 6-foot tall raccoon.  It was a magical photograph. The creature waved and sat down on his bum yawning. "This creature is the Tanuki, in its original form."

"The Tanuki is not necessarily a subject to be covered in the Dark Arts.  Like the Poltergeist it is only as dangerous as it is powerful.  However it is much easier to appease…"

Hermione Granger scribbled her notes furiously.

"Now what does this fellow look like his weaknesses are?"  He showed the picture 

"Fish and chips by the look of that fat gut." Seamus shouted.

"Exactly. Tanuki are gluttonous animals.  And once in modern times a Madoushi Wizard was able to get rid of one with a" Remus checked his notes " 'McDonald's Big Mac with an extra large order of fresh chips.'  Some large muggle cheeseburger.  I take it."

The class nodded.

"Traditionally, it likes sweets and fatty foods and is only drawn out of hiding when it smell something to eat.  In legendary times it was sesame sugar rice balls. Trust me, I don't blame him.  I could eat a boatload of those things."  The class laughed.

"The Tanuki uses a lot of energy to transform and their high fat diet provides them with the energy reserves to shape shift and maintain an unnatural form for a period of up to ten years."

"Ten Years?"

"They are the masters of Shape shifting.  The Bogart for example, is a creature that can only maintain his shape for around 10 minutes.  The English Werewolf maintains its shape for 12 to 15 hours.  Tanuki will only change back when they bloody well feel like it.  Bribery and Flattery always work.  I met three Tanukis abroad.  They are very odd and powerful creatures.  Their only rival in the field of shape shifting is the Fox Spirit Kitsune.  One was rumored to stay in the shape of a young woman for 26 years.  She got married and had four children."

Draco yawned and some of the Slytherins began doodling.  They had no interest in learning about the other kinds of creatures.

"Would an ice cream sundae work?" Harry said.

"What about a big chocolate cake?" Hermione said.

"Yes.  The point is, if you do come across one, be nice or it may rip off your head.  For those studying abroad, this is invaluable.  Often Madoushi are at the mercy of these creatures if you will."

"Sounds like a few werewolves I know."

"In the East there is greater acceptance of Shape shifters. While the werewolf power is a Pandemic or a disease-like phenomena, the power of the Tanuki and Kitsune is genetic."

"This is great stuff." Ron said.

"Yeah." Harry said "Really neat."

            It appeared Professor Lupin was up to his usual snuff.  Being the coolest and most interesting teacher in the curriculum.

            Ron nudged Kameron and he toppled off of the desk.

"What are you doing?"

            "What?  Whoops."

"Kameron is a sensitive, loving creature, not to be knocked about by silly, clumsy...."

"Yah, I'm sorry Professor Lupin." Ron picked up the teddy dusted him off and-

"Put him down." 

Lupin's ruddy hair began to bristle up off his skin. In a flash, his robes seemed to detach from his body.  The class ducked under their seats.  His normally friendly eyes were swishing in his head. He looked as if he were 50 pounds heavier and three inches taller.

Everyone gasped at the fearsome appearance of Lupin.

Ron gulped and cowered.

            Lupin grabbed the bear and brought it to his chest.  He returned back to his normal appearance. Kind, sweet, large eyed professor Lupin.

            "I cannot believe your shocking behavior, Mr. Weasley.  I'm tempted to warn you, ill mannered and careless children deserve their House Cup points taken away." His voice became icy. 

"What?"

Lupin taking away points for no reason?  This was insane.  Next McGonagall would cancel Transfiguration for the Beltane Festival at Giants Dance and dance around a maypole with Professor Trelawney.  Snape would be cheering for Gryffindor to win the Quidditch Cup.  Neville Longbottom would get an owl in potions. Hermione's mouth would shut.

"Well…" Lupin caught his breath. "I suppose… but you should apologize to him, not me."

"What?"

"Go on."

            "But he's a…"

            "Ron, do it.  Lupin is out of sorts today."        

"Well?" Lupin said.

"It can't hear me." Ron said.

"Do it, Ron." Hermione said.

  Ron Weasely. I swear, don't test me." Lupin lowered one eyebrow in a very disturbing voice.

            "Sorry, Kameron." Ron said.

            "Well, if you can't imagine an honest apology, 10 points from Gryffindor.  Let's see how you like that."

            Lupin walked to the back of the classroom

            "Oh, my precious. Don't be scared.  I'll take you away from the nasty…"

            Harry stood up "Professor Lupin what about our lesson."

            "In a minute, Potter. Can't you see I have other manners to attend?" Lupin cut him off. 

            Harry was taken aback. He was left standing there as Lupin left the class fretting over his teddy bear.

"I can't handle this. It's impossible.  How am I supposed to cope…"  Lupin left on the verge of tears, "I can't do it alone…"

***

After the class Ron Weasely was approached by well everyone, who glared at him.  Ron looked helplessly as the girls began cawing at him.

"Ron, what did you do to make him cry?"  Parvati frowned.

Hermione pinched his arm "Whatever you did, how dare you!"

"I didn't do anything."

Draco left the class shaking his head. "Lookit that.  He's falling apart.  Gone Crackers.  Loopy.  I guess they don't call him Mooney for nothing. Regular loopin' idiot." Draco said.

"Oh shut your mouth, Draco.  Professor Lupin has been looking off color. Maybe he's sick." Harry said worriedly. 

"I could have told you that." Draco said.

"Well some people are naturally nice, you know.  And they have bad days."

"Well he's about three semesters of Bad Days at that."

"He wouldn't just crack, He's Remus Lupin." Harry was puzzled himself.   "He's a great teacher."  Harry had come to respect and admire this teacher.

"Well it is that time of the month…" Hermione said.

"Oh, right." Lavender Brown said.  The girls nodded "Leave him alone with his teddy.  He just needs a few chocolate frogs and a hot bath."

The girls in the class agreed that some combination of chocolate, warm water and utter isolation was the best cure for "that time of the month."

"He's certainly has got nasty P.M.S. this time around."  Seamus shook his head

"P.M.S.  Men can't get that." Harry said. "My aunt gets it enough.  She becomes a terror and starts clipping coupons and writing nasty letters."

"Well he's a werewolf." Ron looking puzzled, "How could he avoid it?"

"P.M.S. is the magical term for Pre-Moon-Senstivity." Hermione said "It is also the muggle term for Pre or Post Menstrual Syndrome."

"Wazzat?"  Ron said

"Remember when Hermione closed the book on your nose for making that dumb elf joke and refused to go to Hogsmeade because she looked fat…"

"Ohhhhh."

Hermione pinched Harry. "That's none of your business."

"Ouch.  I was only kidding."  
****

            Hagrid saw the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and his teddy bear companion.

"Oh, Hello, Professor Lupin.  Hello, Kameron. You look fine in nice blue sweater."

"Hello, Hagrid."

"I just have to say, this book is bloody brilliant." Hagrid smacked the cover, "Yeh'd make a good master of Magical Creatures.  I learned all kinda things I din' even know of Kitsune.  Thought I was an expert."

Lupin smiled, and mocked playfully "I think you like it so much because you were in the Bibliography."

"Oh, well.  I was?  Fancy that.  "First hand interview with Rubeus Hagrid."  Ha.  I didn't even notice, it sounded so smart like."

"You know more than you give yourself credit.  And you're very clever about dealing with all kinds of people and animals."

"Iori's the first Tanuki who I ever met, up in London. Goes to show it pays to buy extra cheeseburgers for Japanese strangers."

"Your friend was very helpful.  You should see his impersonation of you."

"Oh ye flatter me.  I ain't no Tanuki but you're right in my book." Hagrid clapped him on the shoulder.  Remus coughed and pulled himself up again.

"Say you look a bit green around the gills. You alright?"

"I am in excellent health."

"Well don't hesitate if you get a little queasy and rundown from the PMS. Me mum said that the best remedy is rabbit."

"A rabbit?"

"Bigger the better." Hagrid said, "That'll set you right.  Moon creatures, rabbits are. They got special energy er somethin'."

****

"Professor McGonagall?"

"Yes." She looked up from her paper work.

Harry, Hermione and Ron crept into the room.

"It's about Professor Lupin. We're worried about him." Harry said.

"If it's about Ron Weasley's ten points…" McGonagall closed the discussion.

"No.  We aren't mad."

"Well Lupin never takes off points and he gave no reason.  Why did Professor Lupin take off points?"

"He didn't apologize to Kameron." Hermione said.

"Kameron? Who is Kameron?" McGonagall said.

"His teddy bear."

"Teddy… bear?"

"How could I apologize to a teddy bear?" Ron said. "And I said I was sorry."

"I see.  Is it a panda bear?"

"Yeah.  One with his name on his shirt."

"I've seen him carry it around.  I thought he had charmed it or something.

"Well he bought it from that weird muggle who got lost in Hogsmeade, actually."

Fred and George had bought thirteen talking muggle battery powered griffin dolls.  These "Furbies" supposedly learned how to speak by listening to their owners. They had planned to teach them to say off color remarks about all of their teachers.  Of course the anti-technology charms around Hogwarts caused them to stop working.  So of late they had been throwing them off the North Tower into the moat to see if they floated.  The twins didn't understand the concept of "batteries" and "not annoying", so of course they loved them very much.  They intended to charm a teddy bear to do the same thing and sell it in their joke shop. 

**

            The teddy bear sat on the table outside of the third floor Faculty Lavoratory.  

Draco looked at Crabbe and Goyle.

            "Oh, the Loopin' Werewolf forgot his teddy poo."

            Hermione, Parvatti and three other girls from Ravenclaw looked in horror.

            "Draco, put the teddy down."

            "Look at me, I'm such a ponce I have to carry a teddy." Draco sucked his thumb "What a pathetic werewolf I am."

            "Draco."

            "Professor Lupin is going to get back here."

            Ginny Weasely walked into the dungeon whistling.

            Snape's raven, Caius, bristled. He was a scrawny bluish bird who scratched at itself too much.

            "Miss Weasely. My dear…"

            "Oh Caius." Ginny smiled. The bird popped right on her wrist and up her arm

            "Say Ginny. Ginny Ginny."

            "Ginny." The raven croaked.

            "Good.  
            "Ginny. RAaaat."

            "It's not a rat.  It's a frozen lizard."

            He gnawed on the tail.  Caius hopped on Ginny's shoulder.

            "Oh leave it alone, Ginny."

            "Yeah Snape will gut you.  I wouldn't muck about with anything that belongs to him. Stupid bird." Fred said.

            "He's a smart bird." Ginny said.

            "Fredageorge. Notagain. 30 points from Gry-hin-dor." Caius shook his head.

            "I'd like to see Errol go at that old thing. He'd peck it apart." George said.

            "Creepy Ravens.  Everyone knows owls are better. Only weirdos and villains have ravens.  Looks like him." Fred smiled, "Yeah, Does look like the old gargoyle with that beak.  Same nose."

            "Oi, I'm Snape's baby." George cawed.

            Caius bristled.  He stood stock tall and flew across the room.

And of course Snape was there to hear everything.  Caius attempted to land on his head.  Snape held up his wrist and Caius landed there."

            "Miss Weasely.  Good to see you again, my dear."

            "Hi Professor Snape."

            Caius spoke from Snape's wrist "Sev-ah-rus."  He grabbed at a bit of Snape's hair.

            "You're full.  I'm not giving you any more.  Get out of my hair."

"I do suggest you keep him off your shoulder.  Birds of prey are always carried on the wrist.  The only reason a creature would do such a thing is for easier access to the eyes."

"But Caius doesn't go for your eyes."

"He likes bones." Snape said. "Snapping them in half.  A raven like Caius can snap a screwdriver in half with one bite."

Caius snapped at Fred, as if he remembered the boy had said ravens were stupid and creepy.

"Raat."

"Yes.  He really used to like house mice.  But seeing as there is a 2 to one ratio of owls, none get down here."

Ginny smiled and pet his head. "How old is he?  Is he a hundred?"

"The Great Ravens of the world live excruciatingly long.  But considering it is Caius, I'm surprised he didn't pop off last year."

"I heard in the Care of Magical Creature they could outlive a wizard."  Ginny said.

"Was there anything you wanted Miss Weasely?"

"I just wanted to thank you for your help on my Werewolf Killing Paper.  I got an A."

"Oh." A wicked grin slipped across his face.  The effect of Snape's malevolent and smug smirk was lost as Caius tried to preen him and searched his pockets for food.

"I don't think I could really do all those things I was talking about." Ginny said, "But I can always pretend."

It had been an odd thing.  Snape was walking around the library, to find Ginny Weasely pouring over tomes of Werewolf lore, hopeless and on the verge of tears.  Immediately when she said her Defense Against the Dark Arts grades would fall and Professor Lupin would give her another C. Snape appeared and offered to help her write her essay.  Course Professor Snape was so quiet, and being the shy type (kind of like her) she didn't make a big fuss about it."

"Well, it was my pleasure.  We don't want to disappoint Mr. Lupin." He got a secret smile on his face. "No we don't want to upset him."

 "I won't tell anybody.  I know you don't like to be bothered by a bunch of kids like us.  But it was nice.  I'd bet you'd be just as good Lupin."

"Yes, Miss Weasely."

"Well, they are not making you Dark Arts… I mean Defense against Dark Arts.  You're a good teacher and you don't let people blow up themselves."

"I've got to get to studies now.  I have to go to Arithmancy."

"Take care, Miss Weasely."

"Ginny." Caius piped.

"Where'd he pick up that?"

"Ginny Weasely.  Nice to see you."  Caius sang.

"He's funny."

"Virginia… Only the good die young."

"That is quite enough." Snape rolled his eyes.

"I'll see you soon, professor."

"You probably think I'm growing soft.  It was rather funny.  Watching Lupin…"

Caius hopped down, "Ginny Nice to see you, my dear."

"Well, she's not all bad.  None of her brother's faults have seeped into her brain. Perhaps some common sense can be weeded out.  Hmm.  Like iron in a silver crucible.  It would be easier to turn lead into gold than a Weasely into a proper sorceress."

Caius bit his hair again.

"I told you stop."

*****

Lesson 2: Nuclear Power kills just about anything 

(Flashback)

It was the first weekend of the new spring semester. Remus Lupin walked.  His entire body pale with worry.  He had been skinny. Apparently some vicious form of flu or bulimia caused him to spend hours in his bathroom.

He arrived at class a little earlier today.  No one saw him enter the classroom.

"At last we've come to the part of the curriculum that might try all of us a little harder."  

"Lythcanthropus Umbrus.  The Werewolf."

He turned on his magical lantern projector.

"The Werewolf."

"We studied them already with Snape."

"Well, Miss Granger did have the fortunate practical experience of detecting one."

"Now, just to test the waters.  Does anyone know ways to kill a werewolf?"

"Mr. Jordan."

"Nuclear Power."

The Professor was stunned silent.

"Pardon."

"It was in a movie I saw once when I was on break.  See, because me mum was at the hairdressers and getting her weave put it and her braids tightened; she likes how the Muggle shop does it better then the Magic salon.  So I went to this movie. And they blew the werewolf up with a nuclear warhead, on account of the bullets didn't work."

"Nuclear power," Lupin said shaking his head "Okay, we'll put that on the board"

"Silver bullets," Parvati nodded.

Remus smiled "Yes Silver Bullets." He wrote the suggestion on the board over top of nuclear power.

"Professor Lupin, would it be possible that all sharp silver things would hurt a werewolf. Like knives and elf arrows?" Harry asked.

"Excellent deduction.  According to the studies of the Werewolf slayer Lowry Grizzlby-Berringtion, [1] any sharp silver instrument when in contact with the werewolf's blood will also kill a werewolf.  That is because their bodies have a silver antibody in their blood, which causes it to coagulate and burst the blood vessels.  A similar effect in humans is the Rh bloodtype."

"Blood type?"

Harry looked up from his notes, "See when a baby is born and it has RH+ with the antibody and with RH- blood it makes the blood go bad."

Hermione raised her quill to correct him "Not exactly but…"

"But the right idea." Lupin gently cut Hermione off. "Much the same reason elves have green copper blood for the iron poisoning.  If you were to inject even as trace an amount as small as 3 micro liters of silver nitrate into a werewolf, and instantaneous effects will take place.  It would send the werewolf into a coma.  5 micro liters produce instantaneous peritonitis with a mortality of less than twenty-four hours. 10 produces instantaneous death."

            The class shifted uncomfortably at the gory details of werewolf slaying, which Professor Lupin spelled out so carefully.  Draco, who was a rather queasy boy, looked like he was going to whoops his cookies all over the floor as Lupin continued the lurid and gory details.   

McGonagall, Flitwick and Dumbledore stood outside the class.

"My word.  He's certainly being obliging."

"Quite thorough."

"I didn't think he would jump into Werewolf slaying on the first day." 

            "That's how we did it in the old days.  Course, there were less Animagus about in the world."

            "He is certainly dedicated."

            "There hasn't been experimentation on werewolves since the War.  I wonder where he found that."

****

_While Nuclear explosions on the whole would secure the immediate destruction of a werewolf, the research does not indicate that it is the most effective means… after all not only would it kill the werewolf but everyone in the building.  Besides the resulting mutations of insects and worms (see Attack of the Killer Grasshopper)…_

Remus was utterly astounded at the fact that the boy had used appropriate MLA (Magical Lore Attribution) format in referring to a long string of bad Muggle Monster Movies.  He had done his research.  He looked at the rest of it that meandered about silver and bits regurgitated from his lecture. His writing style was improving, and he could trust the boy would know what to do.  Remus gave it a grudging C+ and writing a short note in the margin reminding Jordan to stop quoting monster movies and start quoting the course and library materials.

Remus Lupin sat on curled up on his couch.  

_"The application of silver with the chemical atomic weight of, the moon element metal to the ancient peoples, is vital in the slaying of a werewolf. _

Remus was tempted to check the spelling.  Flawless of course.  He felt his eyes glaze over.  It was like 7th year arithmancy text.  The sheer power it took to power Hermione Granger's mind always astounded him.

_"It is necessary to catch the werewolf unawares.  Appropriate cover so as to disguise one…"_

Remus was about to give it an A and not read the rest of it.

            Ron Weasley's paper had a thing that shocked him

_"See one time Once there was a man, Devon Weasely-Pokeberry, who actually ended up killing a werewolf by accident at a dinner party.  It turned out that One of the people at the dinner was a werewolf.  He hadn't told anyone and he was new to the area. He didn't know that they had silverware at the party.  So sometime passed and he continued eating."_

Remus stirred his coffee.

_"The werewolf was telling told a knock knock joke and took a last bite of Starberry tart with a big silver desert spoon and collapsed dead as a doornail at his plate.  The only way they figured this out was because of the rash on his fingers.  This displays how sensitive werewolves are to silver.  And it teaches you not to talk while eating desert."_

Remus looked at the spoon and put it aside. He'd have to ask the staff if they used real silver.  He certainly wasn't picking up any foreign spoons ever again.

            Harry Potter's essay much like Potter was right next to Weasley's

_Werewolves' sensitivity to silver is legendary in both Muggle folklore and magical research. The chemical silver antibodies are deadly to them.  Even the slightest cut could kill them._

_Normally the werewolves are registered with the Loyal Order of Law-abiding Lycanthropes International Party of the People, or the L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P party. _

_Full-grown werewolves are some of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.  With the speed and ferocity of a wolf and the cunning and cruelty of a human being they are often troubled and tormented by their disease.  Stress-based disorders are higher amoung werewolves.  The primary neurological disorder is Lycanthropus Nervosa.  Wolf Delusions._

Harry was probably sensitive to his audience and tried to wrap up the business at hand.  He could give him a higher grade but he wandered from the topic.  He knew Harry could easily survive a werewolf.  In fact he had.  But he didn't want to favor the boy.  He laboured over the essay, trying to think of some fair mark.

Draco Malfoy's paper lay on the top.  Perhaps he should have read it first.

_The werewolves in our country are some of the most disgusting and loathsome creatures on the planet.  Their disease causes their minds to rot and twist into a hateful and violent creature.  It is no wonder that Muggle legends paint them so loathsome and frightening. The practitioner of magic does not need worry about them killing us, for we have the power to get them first.  The true menace is indeed their infiltration of polite magical society.  Lycanthropy has been linked to other loathsome and degenerate behaviors as lasciviousness, crime and drug addiction.  Werewolves are often found in the inner cities where such loathsome afflictions can be passed around through uncivilized behaviors._

Remus knew he should curb his own temper and judge the paper by its merit.  Yet the tint of old monied prejudices tainted all its words.  He couldn't take off points for his opinions.  This was Defense Against the Dark Arts, not History and Politics of Magic.

            Remus picked up the next paper.

_"The trick of getting a werewolf is all in the timing. But a werewolf can be caught at anytime.  The nature remains the same.  A drastic and desperate person who needed to kill a werewolf would not wait until the time came too late.  If I were to kill a werewolf for whatever reason I had to, I would catch it unawares.  While the Werewolf has very good hearing, his sense of smell deteriorates with moon cycles.  So if he were to be preoccupied say reading or listening to music._

Remus wiped his brow.

Severus Snape had come upon the young Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.  What was normally the tedious task of delivering the Wolfsbane, ("Dumbledore's Delight" indeed) might actually be fun this time.  He crept behind the wall.

He sat hunched over the scroll transfixed.__

_It could be possible to get around his sense of smell.  Sneak into his room and wait.  That way only a little cover would be needed.  You could even hide behind the wall.  So that you could catch the werewolf--"_

"Booo."

Remus Lupin jumped from his couch.

"Yikes!  Don't cut me."

Severus Snape came in.

"Hello. Your Wolfsbane, Professor Lupin." Snape said as he breezed in, placing it on the table.

"No cheery thank you.  No meaningless chatter.  How's the lesson going?"

Remus stared at him "Good afternooooon Snape."  Remus Lupin was a quiet enough chap but he could make the word noon sound as bitter and sarcastic as any insult.

"Just reading Ginny Weasley's essay.  I'm going to have nightmares."

"The curriculum is taxing." Severus Snape said, "To cover a topic as broad as Lycanthropy.  I've certainly been reading up on the subject.  The habits and behaviors of the English werewolf are marvelously fascinating.  Rather reasonable and elegant in some respects in others a complete mystery."  Snape said, "It has been easier to just kill them off then to begin to understand them. People are the bothersome animals." Snape said.

Was this the beginnings of a civil conversation? Professor Lupin sat up.

"I've been reading as much as I can on the subject.  Really fascinating.  I can offer you some new supplemental-"

"The curriculum at Hogwarts is the protection of young witches and wizards.  They must know how to kill a fully grown werewolf."

"I thought you'd chicken out as it were.  Here you are reading the essays about how everyone really hates you and doesn't like you after all.  I even heard you made Draco Malfoy queasy."

"The Dark Arts should make people nervous." Lupin checked the paper with an excellent.  Ginny Weasely certainly deserved her A.

"I swore you were going to give some friendly new age humane hippy-dippy way to treat werewolves.  Like wolfsbane, or giving them a biscuit.  Oh, eat this child, you pretty little werewolf, we don't need it that much."

"There are designated days for the lessons. Dumbledore has insisted on a full lesson in cloistering and cornering a werewolf.  Also, if muggles should come in contact, abominations-- "

"You're a bit of loony Mr. Lupin."

"Tell me, Snape, would you ever give a class in how to stop a death eater?"

"Well, I…" Snape was cut off in his thought. Lupin smiled.

"We're a dangerous breed if you look at essays or books or ask people. We're very dangerous."  

            Snape turned around.

            "Yes we are. But that means so little.  In the end it doesn't matter how you got the mark. But it's there."

            He itched his arm.

            "Don't read too deep into these.  Ginny Weasely couldn't hurt a fly.  And I'm sure Lee Jordan isn't going to drop an automatic bomb."

            "Atomic."

            "Right. Enjoy your wolf's bane."

            Snape walked out with the priceless expression of Lupin tossing up his papers and cowering in fear.  Snape was absolutely sure he loved being a bastard sometimes.  He'd have to tutor students much more often.

  


* * *

[1] Go L Squared.


	2. Chapter 2 Honor Code

PMS

(plus: A free-form ode with an inappropriate epode at the end, dedicated to my beta reader.)

Lesson 3: The Hogwarts Honor Code[1]

            Remus Lupin looked at Draco Malfoy as he walked down the hall.

            "Kameron told me what you were doing while I left him in the hallway."

"What?" 

"Kameron said that you tossed him about, then tried to feed him to your owl, and I can't continue"

"I didn't."

"Kameron was dumbstruck with fear. He was almost afraid to tell me."

"I only picked him up, sir."

"And tried to dunk him in the moat and threatened to let a dragon burn him and…"

"I never even…  He's lying. He's a lying little weirdo." Draco pointed at the teddy.

Hermione nodded "That never happened.  He just tossed Kameron in the air and made fun of you, Professor Lupin, saying "Look at me, I'm a big ponce…'"

"You don't need to tell him that, Granger." Draco said.

"But he wants to know the truth.  Do you want to see the little dance he did?"

"No, I can imagine it."  Lupin closed his eyes. "10 points from Slytherin.  I suggest you make fun of teachers in front of people who won't tattle on you."

"Well, lousy…."

"Draco, I am a patient man.  I have gotten far worse then a verbal lashing by a Malfoy, if you can consider your little pathetic joke insulting.  But if what you are saying is not true, I will not tolerate your rudeness to Kameron."

"It is. Lousy teddy bear, getting me in trouble." The Syltherin shook his fist. "You'll pay for this, Kameron."

Parvati squinted her eyes "It's Draco and Hermione's word against a teddy bear's?"

Harry shook his head, clutching it, feeling a great headache, which had nothing to do with his famous scar.

"Oh, Kameron, did you lie to me?"  Lupin picked up the bear and waged his finger at it. "I should …" He counted to ten,  "You and Draco will have to sit in my room for detention after school. I'm not taking you to zoo if you insist on lying."  

            Snape looked out from his classroom and wondered why all his students were still outside, until he saw Lupin and the teddy.

            "Lupin, must you try deliberately to be as loud as possible?  My 2nd years are working on Swelling Potions."

            "Draco was messing about with Kameron, that's Professor Lupin's Teddy.  And now the teddy is lying and saying that he tried to throw him in the moat and burn him with a dragon," said Parvatti, the consummate tattletale.

            "Draco snitched his teddy?" Snape said, "What is this, a kindergarten?"

            He stared down Draco  "Mr. Malfoy, please give our distinguished and accredited professor back his little teddy.  I have work to do."

            There was a soft boom that came for the lab, much too rumbling and deep to be any good.

            "What's that?  Jenkins! Creevey! What did you do to that?  I said caterpillar slices!" Waving at the smoke, he descended into the darkness of the smoky classroom.  The students streamed out, coughing.  Double Potions was cancelled that day.

****

Later that night, Remus Lupin sat curled up on his couch.  Kameron was sitting on the on the armchair, not doing much of anything. He was reading a stack of parchment.  Remus poured over the thousands of words, the hundreds of carefully researched sentences, the facts, and the ideas.  He was getting loopy in his head.  It wasn't him they were talking about after all.

            It wasn't him they hated.  It was the werewolf.  And the werewolves were dangerous.  They would have to be slain and killed if they couldn't be tamed.  It wasn't his problem.

            He had no problems. He was fine.

There was a knock on his open dear.

"Remus, old lad.  How about we head to Hogsmeade, get you a drink?  The faculty is getting a little restless all cooped up with these tykes."

"Alright.  Perhaps I shouldn't read too many of these in one sitting."

"How to kill a werewolf" Hagrid needled him. "You didn't take too many points from Draco?  I could see those nasty Slytherins writin' you nasty little notes on account of that."

Remus set the pile aside. "It's for the Defense of the Dark Arts, Hagrid, very grave business.  Forgive me if I don't laugh." 

Hagrid picked up an essay.

"Eww." The giant man squinted at the words.  "These are really… good?" Hagrid said hesitantly

"If such a thing can be good." Remus lowered his head.

"You got some… dedicated… young wizards." He grinned uncomfortably, "But I thought you taught Werewolf slaying last week, didn't you?"

"I always keep the assignments.  Gives me a chance to see improvement in my students." Remus said.

Hagrid grabbed some of them. "These things'll make you paranoid.  Why don't you just chuck'em away?"

"None of them are against me.  It's a hypothetical situation, which will not arise. I'm very well protected here."

"Well you can put them away. We'll go out and get yeh something to drink." 

            Hagrid and Lupin walked to the stable.

"You're not taking her?"

"You mean the Triumph.  Why not?"

"You're a braver man than I, Rubeus Hagrid."

"It's not so scary once you've tried it."

"No, I've ridden on it before but that's…  I haven't seen her in ages."

"Her? You mean the bike."  

"Well, not to us. She's the Black Bitch."[2]

"What?" Hagrid blushed "You mind your tongue, young man."

"Oh, sorry.  No, it's just an old joke from our school days."

"Oh, there's a story there.  I hope it's not too untoward.  Sirius was a card.  Woulda given them Weasely twins a run for their money.  Pity about the way he turned out."

Remus paused and looked at her.

"One night we came back from Hogsmeade.  The Marauders.  Right, me, Padfoot Prongs and… him, the Wormtail, little fat Petey.  He was a fifth year hanging with us. So Sirius and Petey, on account of Sirius being half blood, and Petey  muggle born, had never had Gilly water.  He said 'What kind of poncy drink is Gilly Water?' So we ordered Gilly Flower martinis just to mess with his head."

Hagrid shook his head.  "Gilly Flower Martinis. You're daft." He was a hefty man.  Normally Gilly water was about the strength of good kirsch, light and tasty.  Some people didn't even realize it was alcoholic, because it _wasn't exactly alcoholic.  It was just something that lightened your heart through magic.  But a Gilly Flower Martini had to be the most pointlessly powerful drink in the entire world.  Mixing Magic and Alcohol for absolutely no reason except to cause trouble.  It was the only martini they ever made at the Three Broomsticks. The Magic Gilly water mixed with two parts Ginger Djinn Gin, with a sprinkle of Green Fairy Extract (not the Absinthe but the real fairy), an olive AND an onion. It proved the adage "Never drink anything that glows brighter than a light bulb" Or "Never mix drinks."_

"Cor, I couldn't finish one of those.  I think I'm allergic to Ginger Djinn Gin." Hagrid said.

"Sirius had three and a half before he passed out.  So we thought we'd do him a favor.  He didn't wake up for over twenty-four hours.  We'd thought we have to pull him to potions by day two.  He was still so hung over we had to say he'd been knocked in the head by a bludger.  Well that was later. So we got back, put him to bed.  And Sirius was still sleeping. See, Bike was there. We called it Bike in those days, like it was a 5th Marauder, before she had her name.  And we were all sore at him, getting stupid stinking drunk when we only got regular drunk.  So we painted Bike." 

"You painted on it?"

"James drew naked ladies on it."

"Naked Ladies? James Potter, the prefect?" Hagrid was pink.

"Well, I didn't. I wasn't drunk enough. I did write her name right on it.  The Black Bitch.  Ultimately we, well, we though it would be funny if, well, you see, Sirius was a ladies man, but he didn't have a girlfriend.  God, he loved that bike.  He used to polish it everyday.  He loved that bike.  People thought he was talking about his girl…  He even took a picture of it and put it in his wallet. So we put a little name on her.  I can't believe I'm telling you this.  I feel like you're going to take points off Gryffindor."

            "Oh well, if it taught all of you to keep away from that nonsense and carrying on…"

  "It was my 70 points from Gryffindor.  Black never let any of us ride her again.  He put a sound charm on it so James couldn't even touch it."

 "We have our wild days. Sometimes I used to sneak away from the tour group at Hogsmeade and go to the livery. Without even permission.  Once I even got lost from my group; that sure set me straight."

"You were a rebel then, Hagrid." Remus smiled.

"Well, I got over that.  Now I always try to follow as many rules as I can remember.  'Course, when I get angry it's a lil hard on my memory."

"Yes."

They sat on the bike and rode on in silence.

Remus looked at Bike's gas tank. He fingered the unsightly black paint marks on it, covering her proud title.

That was a bit of a lie.  _He_ had been on Black's Bitch once or twice after that. There was a time when they could ride like this.  Remus would hold onto Sirius.  That was a trip.  "Scaring off the squares" as he put it.  Driving on the road on Bike (Sirius rarely used her full title) next to all the other cars.  They both had two awful helmets that looked like they came from a World War II airplane. Their brains must have been safe, clearly hiding in lower parts of their anatomy.

Remus sighed.  He missed those nights.  They didn't think about where they were going. They didn't know and they laughed their asses off all the way.

Once there had been this time when there was this family driving in an old station wagon.  Sirius drove up to the car.  Remus waved at some of the kids.  One had a baseball cap.  The other was a girl with a Barbie doll which she made wave at them.

The mother pushed them down from the window with the typical "Don't look at those dirty strange men" speech.  They had heard it often enough to fill in the words.  She gave them a dirty look.

Sirius smirked and flew in the air right by her window.

She pointed, swearing, at her husband, smacking him awake.

Sirius winked.

The driver stared right at him and flipped him the bird.

The children jumped in the air in shock and delight that their Daddy had done something bad.  The mother hit him again, apparently disapproving of such a rude gesture.

Remus gasped.  Sirius tightened his gaze.

"Booo."

Sirius growled and little fangs appeared. Remus felt himself growling as well.

The couple clutched each other.  The father jerked the wheel in the opposite direction.  Sirius panicked, a look of dread washed over his face.

"No."

The car's bald tires skidded into the edge of the fence.  There was a loud crash and a pop; smoke started spewing everywhere. 

Sirius stopped his bike.  His cigarette dropped out of his mouth.

The Muggles pulled themselves out of the car and the father picked up the little girl and ran away.

Sirius was frozen like a rabbit right in the middle of the road.  Remus slapped him in the face.

"Get the hell out of here, you bloody bastard.  Fly!"

He took to the air, quickly abandoning the crash site.

They waited in the dark clearing by the stream.  They both got off Bike.

"Oh God. Oh Bloody Hell. Maybe he'll think it was all a dream.  I don't… That was enough.  We almost..." Remus babbled in fear.  He could almost feel himself hyperventilating.  He just started trembling as he walked about thinking about what had happened.  He had always had excellent hindsight and quick reflexes.

Sirius sat on a rock in the dark smoking, nothing, not a sound, not a word.

"What in the Hell did we just do?" Remus pulled himself together.  "What were you fucking thinking?" Remus growled audibly at Sirius.

Sirius sat on the rock, just dumb.

"Why don't you say something?" Remus growled.

Sirius looked up at him. Remus couldn't bear the silence.  He shoved Sirius

"Why are you just sitting there?"

Sirius looked down.  "Shit." He was trembling.  His eyes were haunted.  For a second, he saw everything, like death and life and magic and power.  It was fun doing magic, but someone could have gotten killed right there.  God, if that wasn't an improper use of magic.  He was just frozen.  It was the first time Remus saw Sirius really scared.  Sirius with the life knocked out of him, like something had smacked him in the face and he understood all kinds of dark secrets.  Sirius didn't spook easily, but when he did he froze instead of fought.  Remus couldn't blame him for lacking the natural instincts that a werewolf learned.

Remus couldn't yell at him when he was like that.  Nothing could be worse than the fear inside his own head.  Besides, he didn't think swearing like a longshoreman would help.  The worst possible thing that you could do to Sirius Black was give him enough time to really think about what he was doing.

Sirius could have cried like a kid with a skinned knee. He might just have begun swearing himself.  But he just took a drag of his cigarette, trying not to shake.

"I didn't mean…" Sirius shook his head.

"You weren't thinking.  I shouldn't have come." Remus shook his head "You never think, damn."

"You saved me.  I just..."

"Oh shut up." Remus said.  He looked around. "We can just leave it like this.  We gotta get back."

"Yeah.  They were just scared." Sirius clutched himself.   "God it's cold. I'm cold."  He took another long drag and a deep shaky breath after.

"No harm, no foul," Remus smiled "Let's just get away."

That was the first time he saw Sirius scared.  Those eyes filling up in the darkness, bluey light eyes, kind of mad, sucking in all the danger and darkness.  No fun, no laughs, just fear.

He was quiet for a long time.  Remus took his bitch seat on the bike twined his arms around Sirius.

"I hope we get back. I feel shaky.  Too much to drink and that… they are all right?"

"Yeah, I'm behind you.  We just can't…"

"Christ, they were scared.  We didn't do anything, I mean…"

"Oh, they just got a little scared," Remus shook his head.

"They were scared of me… Christ.  I've never seen anybody scared of me." Sirius shook his head.  Remus didn't feel it anymore. People always stared at him suspiciously.  He belonged one of the most hated races in the world.

"People look that way when you have the propensity to grow fangs and bite people."

"You know, there is that muggle saying 'It is better to be feared than loved.' You know what?" Sirius said.

"It's Horseshit?" Remus finished his thought.

"Yeah." Sirius smiled "Horse shit."

They were flying over the ground before Sirius said something else.

"Don't let me do anything really stupid."

"Don't let you?"  Remus shook his head "You're cracked, Black."

"I'm serious. Don't let me… bite me or just stop me."

"Who am I? Your mum?"

"It's fair.  I give you someone to talk to on your moon.  I run with you.  I put a little spice in your life.  Just… if I ever go too far, pull me the hell back with whatever claw you need to."

"I'm not going to let you do anything. But it's your business. You're responsible for yourself."

"Remus, I'll shape up.  But when you got someone depending on you to be safe and take care of them, it just gives you something to think about. That's why folks have kids.  They need someone that they want to look out for.  Even if they don't do a good job of it."

"You asking me to be your mummy?" Remus said coldly.

"Forget it. Then just sit there.  Put your hands on my waist.  I'll drive safer."

Remus looked at Sirius.  Sirius looked at him.  He understood. Remus complied and tightened his grip.  Everyone needs someone to take care of.

 "I can do that."

"That's my Mooney."

"How could I let you down, Padfoot old bean."

They drove back as quietly as they could.

To misconstrue that moment as anything more then that was silly.  

Now Remus was on the Bitch with Hagrid and nothing was happening.  He was surprised that he still fit.  He was older himself; maybe even a few inches taller, but still the Black Bitch welcomed him back.

Maybe in retrospect he could construct some delusion that he and Sirius were destined to pair up sometime.  Hardly, though.  

The rowdiest they ever got with each other at school were a few sweaty games of 'Pass the Wand.'  He was never the same when he came out. There were some who argued that it was a far better Wizards' game that Quidditch; all of them, of course, were looney sexual perverts. The game involved putting the fortunate wand down a witch's brassiere.  Of course, then the witch was obliged to drop the wand down a wizard's trousers.  And to make it truly difficult (read: dirty) all handling of the wand had to be done with one's teeth—no hands allowed.  Everyone who went to Hogwarts had a decent 'Pass the Wand' story. Even Bill Weasley, their first year minion (James didn't want to call him their fag.)  At the tender age of 13 he got to put his face straight into Bambi McGonagall's chest.  He was never quite the same afterwards.  James and Lily were by far the King and Queen of 'Pass the wand.'  Of course being the best player didn't necessarily mean you were the sleaziest.  The only reason Sirius was so bad was because he forgot what he was doing, sticking his nose down the witch's shirt.  The only one worse than Sirius was Fushcia White (Later Fuschia Brown, Lavender's mother) who kept going to the bathroom.  

 "Well you ruined another 'Pass the Wand', Pinky old gal." Sirius said.

"It's not my fault." Remus mumbled with the wand between his teeth.

"The game must go on."

Sirius pinned him.

"You adapting the rules again, Black."

"Oh yes." Sirius nibbled the wand as Remus squirmed, giggling as Sirius mounted him. Sirius grabbed the wand in his teeth. Remus, also in a dirty mood, held on. They played tug of war, growling seductively.  Soon the canine impulse took over.  Neither was willing to let go they tugged it back.  The house was roaring with laughter and shock.  If anybody was horny enough to do that in public, it was Sirius Black.  Sirius pushed Remus against the ground softly, pinning him.

Eventually Sirius slipped his drunken mouth over Remus's. They kissed for blessed seconds.

Fuschia came back from the bathroom to find Sirius mounting Remus's hips

"What are you two doing!?"

"Fuschia, I can't believe you missed it.  Sirius was smugging on Mooney like he was a pork chop. Revolting display of lust and lechery," Lily said in her best Girl's Prefect voice.  "You miss all the fun. You miss all the fun." She chanted.

"You are some wild woman, Lily." Peter said.

Fuschia pointed at them "You've been at school too long. You two are going funny."

"Lighten up, Fuschia." Lily said.

"Not like I didn't see you and Dru passing the wand last round, Lily Evans.  Boarding school does it to the best of us.[3]" She shoved Remus out of the way.

"Oh, don't get get so catty, Fuschia, you're next." Sirius pounced on her and pulled her into his lap.

"Always in heat." Remus shook his head towards Drucilla. 

"You skipped me, Remus." She patted Sirius's face.  "I can't forgive you."

"Round five?" Petey said from the sidelines.  Pass the wand was also a great spectator sport.

"You can't say unless you play."

Petey screwed up his brow "No way.  Then there are too many boys.  I'm not letting Sirius get his big meaty hands on me."

"You thought it was groovy when I had to kiss Lily." Drucilla said.

"That's 'cause you're girls.  That's hot." Petey admitted.

Remus laughed.  Sirius hooted.

Lily, Dru, Daisy and Fuschia smacked the boys in unison, all at once 

"One girl and one guy. That's a perfect number for 'Pass the wand,' if Fuschia doesn't keep going to the bathroom.  On the other hand, Remus seemed to be having more fun than you." Lily ruffled Remus's hair.

Fuschia leaned in Sirius's arms.  "You know, Evans, you're just as sickoid as Potter is.  Aye."

"Match made in heaven." Sirius smiled. "Or by a certain expert matchmaker."

"You mean one with the Initials S.O.B." Remus whispered audibly.

"Muzzle it, Mooney!!!"

Of course he was glossing over several horrendous issues.  For example the Peter-James kiss at the end of 5th when Peter got more Owls than Snape. Right smack on the lips. Then when Remus escorted Lily to the Dragon Moon Ball on New Years in honor of the great Chuu-lin flying across Europe, that was only late fourth year. They'd certainly kissed that night; (but it was bad luck not to kiss someone when the dragon flew through the skies). Then obviously the infamous double-team drag-down at the Potter-Evans wedding.  It had been a battlefield of smooches. When Sirius had to kiss Lily to show her what she was missing.  James was put off as the seconds passed.  He kept looking at the second hand on his watch.

"I feel left out."

Remus, who had been drinking every bottle of champagne that Sirius ordered for all of them, grabbed the newlywed and let him have at it.  Of course, Peter pulled him back before it could become a French kiss.   Of course, there was also the infamous picture of both Remus and Sirius smooching Peter on the each cheek as he stood with a horrified look on his face, of which Remus Lupin had the only copy in existence.  They finally had all kissed each other on that day and thus the first chapter of their lives as the Marauders seemed to end.

It all seemed to end a chapter in their lives.  It ended their old ways…their old ways.  Everything… brushed away so quickly after Lily and James died.  Peter dead.   Sirius a killer.  Even if he wasn't.  Even if he couldn't….

Then only the fear.  The coldness.  He remembered looking at the graves, feeling like the last man on Earth.  He went by Peter Pettigrew's grave, looking at the flowers sent by all the strangers who had heard he died.  Even a few misinformed muggles who had heard he died.  Just the sight of his grave defiled by all that color and joyous flowers that Peter could never see, all the things that that he would never experience.  He ran in there and ripped all the flowers down off it and screamed.  Invoking all of his misplaced feral anger against the bouquets.  He proved to everyone that his temper was not always so easy going.  He got kicked out of the cemetery by muggle pulease. It had been hard for his parents to bail him out of Muggle jail.  Remus Lupin didn't go to cemeteries anymore. And if he made plans to die, he'd never choose to be buried in one.  Weren't you supposed to bury a werewolf at a crossroads anyway?

Petey… Wormtail.  Who could change into a rat?  He tried so hard for him.  Showing off his sleek form.  "Look Moonie. I did it."

 But why?  Then to use it so coldly.  Remus couldn't even begin to forgive him.  He didn't exist.  Petey had died somewhere and the rat had taken over.  Remus hated himself for living.  He wanted to be angry. He wanted to go out and rip the moon down from the sky.  He wanted to tear the world apart with his claws.  The transformations grew so bad that he broke his wrist on the manacles.  He couldn't conjure his Patronus for two years after the incident.

But he never wanted to kill Sirius.  He never did.  He just thought of Sirius's eyes, cold and filling with dark.  The darkness inside.  Remus knew Dementors.  Sirius couldn't have imagined such things.  They ghosted into the room as the Ministry guard made themselves scarce.  

Sirius had always been a bit of a poser.  He would have been furious that he hadn't gotten a trial.  He wasn't even allowed to speak.  But he was standing there, the same old Sirius Black.  He wouldn't let the bastards see him grovel.

That's what the world remembered as they saw Black taken away to Azkaban.  But Remus Lupin saw only one thing: Black's eyes when he first saw the Dementors.

This cold fear filling darkness into his bright eyes. Everything dark and nasty and cruel in the world swirling on grey cold mist, things in himself, the things he had done, things he had thought.  What did he see?

Sirius Black gave up hope in escaping.  If he had struggled, if he had wept for mercy, Remus would have spit in his face.  If he had even cried.  But all he did was lift his hand.  He let the Dementor take his hand.  He lifted it up.  But the Dementors have no hands.  They have no bodies.  They are made of evil and darkness and fear.  Remus was sure everyone around him could here him panting, falling apart.  The Dementors had come for him.

Sirius looked back at him, still holding the Dementor's hand.

He shook his head at Remus, to him alone in the entire world.

Remus clenched his fists so white that his nails cut his hand.

Remus screamed, "You bloody bastard, what have you done?"

The crowd riled around him, someone pulled him out before he did something stupid.  He didn't want to get jailed again, even if it was a wizard's jail.  He watched him go…

            Hagrid turned around.  "You fall off er somefin?"

"I'm just thinking about the old days, Hagrid.  It was such a strange time…"

            "Oi, being close as conies with Sirius Black.  I remember when he was a decent, stand up chap.  I can't believe he'd go so rotten."

            "I'm not in the mood to be out and about."

           "You sure."

            "Why don't you go ahead?  I can apparate back to the edge of the field.  It's not too far a walk."

            "You sure, Remus?"

            "Yes.  I don't think a full-grown wizard has anything to worry about.  I think I just needed a ride."

            Hagrid kept his eye on Remus as the bike drove away.  He waved with a puzzled look on his face.  He couldn't free a fish from water he supposed.  But still Hagrid drove off with a sour feeling in his mouth.

            Remus grabbed Kameron off the armchair.  He held him tight.  He could be found later sleeping in his parlor, with the teddy in his arms.

  


* * *

[1] My University has a copy of the Honor Code in every class.  Why shouldn't Hogwarts have one?

Snape: Slytherins.

Draq: Oh yeah… 

[2] To L Squared

She is my beta. 

She is my friend.

Her grammar power never ends.

She made Black's Bitch

(a greatly bike.)

She is a person that I like.

But I cannot claim her for my own,

Lizzy copyrighted her.

So ask her… something something bone.

[3] I should know I go to an all women's University… heh heh


	3. Chapter 3 The Teddy Bear Hospital

Lesson 4: Violations in the Hogwarts Honor Code will be addressed by a Board of Professors.

The next day, Minerva McGonagall knew she would have to bring up the points and the Kameron situation. Of course, she didn't feel comfortable going alone. That morning, a huge contingent of teachers lead by Professor Snape appeared at her office door. Flitwick was hanging on Snape's robes. Obviously something was wrong when the champion dueler had to hide behind the Potions Master. Sprout and Vector, with all their loud blustery charm, were whispering. Professor Sinistra was shrunk into the back of the room, flanked by Madam Hooch. They all waited for Snape to speak.

"Are you going to do something about Lupin today?" Snape asked. "His P.M.S. caused him to see fit to walk past my potions seminar, talking to his ridiculous bear, saying he was going to take him to the zoo if he was a good boy…" Snape said.

"He brought his teddy bear into the faculty lounge. He made it a cup of cocoa. I swear I turned around and a sip was gone," Flitwick said.

Professor Vector blustered, "Oh, not the cocoa."

"It's unnatural. It drank cocoa." Flitwick shook his head.

"It did not." Sprout shook her head.

Professor Sinistra tried to raise her voice above Professor Vector but failed. He always drowned her out.

"You're getting as paranoid as Mad Eye Moody," Vector frowned.

"You've never seen a Dark Teddy. Don't tell me about anything."

Professor Sprout shook her fist "Stop nannering about the cocoa, I drank it." She pounded her fist on the table "He made it in my mug. Using my own coffee mug to make his teddy bear cocoa. That must be some violation of the Honor Code."

"Excuse me." Professor Sinistra raised her hand.

The room turned around.

"Yes, Professor Sinistra. Before you are interrupted again"

Professor Sinistra's tiny tinkling voice rose under the booming voice of Professor Sprout "As Astwonomy and Astwowogy Pwofessow, the staws show nothing. But I can vewify that that I have heard him talking to the teddy beaw. But as a weasonable woman, I was considewing the situation sewiouswy and carefuwwy. I took it into considewation that he talked to himself all the time when he used to have that big ugwy bwack mutt. Perhaps he has twansferred his feewings of affection for the dog to the panda. He _is_ a cute wittle wascal."

"Well, thank you, Professor Sinistra, well thought out and useful as always."

"The what?" Binns tried to listen "Did she say he tapdanced the feedings of infection?"

"_Transferring_ his feelings of _affection_." Hooch said "A bit fancier way to say that he replaced his doggy with a teddy, what."

"He gave my student detention based on the word of a teddy bear." Snape tried not to yell.

"But he was ewwonious and wong. The teddy wied from what I heard from Her-my-wone Gwanger."

Binns adjusted his ear trumpet[1] again.

"Teddy Bears can't lie, professor Sinistra," Snape snarled. "They are INANIMATE OBJECTS! 

Sinistra clammed back up.

"Oh dear," Dumbledore said, putting aside his writing, "I believe it is time we intervened on his behalf."

"Professor McGonagall, will you and Professor Snape talk to him?"

"What, why me?" Snape said.

"It's a little technique called 'good cop-bad cop.' If we cannot persuade him to get help through kindness perhaps we might have to pressure him in a more forceful way.

"I'm not entirely sure what a 'cop' is, but already I know it's going to cause me a headache." Snape said.

****

It was at lunch, where Lupin could be found feeding Kameron fresh grapes and Cream of Wheat in a little tea saucer, that they finally caught up with him.

Snape began sniggering coldly. McGonagall tried not to laugh by pinching her brow.

"My word," she said. "You didn't tell me it was this bad."

Snape grinned wickedly "What? Do you think Kameron needs a bib? Look at him."

Lupin was playing a game to get Kameron to eat. "Come on. Open up the big cave so the dragon can fly in. How is him ever going to be a big boy?"

Lupin took a spoon of Cream of Wheat. "Daddums likes it. Yummy Yum. See."

"Professor Lupin." McGonagall said sharply, trying to give Lupin a chance to compose himself. But instead the professor huddled over his teddy, trying to feed it.

"Oh hello." He looked over his shoulder. "I'm trying to feed Kameron some lunch."

Sinistra, Sprout and Binns had to leave the room before they exploded with laughter.

Flitwick cowered back; he'd seen a jinxed teddy only once and it had scarred him for life. Hooch slapped him on the shoulder "I think those three will need some room." And the others left them.

Lupin smiled "All he wants to eat is chocolates. But he doesn't get his Chocolate Frog until he finishes his grapes."

"Professor Lupin, you have been acting eccentric lately. Now some of the students have been talking to us. They love you dearly, but they are worried about your behavior," McGonagall said.

"Oh really. How sweet! I love children. Aren't they such dears?

"Okay, let me find someone to watch Kameron."

"Watch it do what?" Snape said. "Sit there like a teddy bear. Be fluffy and cute?"

McGonagall cut Snape off.

"Professor Lupin. We just wanted to take you down to Madam Pomfrey's for a quick once over."

"But I'm fine. You don't need to trouble yourself."

"Remus, I think you need help." 

"Oh, okay, later. I'll have to find someone to watch my little precious."

McGonagall was much too tactful to continue any the discussion. Snape had been an excellent choice to help her. He was as subtle as a thrown brick.

Snape stared Lupin in the eyes. "You realize that that is just a doll. Inanimate. Dead. It's just cotton and polyester." Snape poked its head.

"Well, umm. Oh, yeah." Lupin tossed the comment off. "But he's so much more. I look in his little glass eyes and I think I can see the spark of life. Like any minute he could come to life and well… I'm just amusing myself. It's just a little game."

"Well, most of us stopped playing with dolls when we were children." Snape said.

"It's nothing like that," Remus shook his head. "I'm not a child, exactly. Look at me."

McGonagall patted him on the shoulder.

"Remus, you look terrible. Go to Madam Pomfrey. You're creeping everyone out." Snape said.

"She'll help you get some sleep so you can be up to par."

"I'm telling you. I'm fine. Kameron is fine."

"You're not fine, Lupin, you've bloody cracked." Snape said "Now get to the Infirmary or we'll get Filch around here to lock you up in manacles."

"It's none of Filch's business or yours, Professor," Lupin snapped at Snape. "I think we're finished here. Kameron, lets get to…"

Minerva McGonagall was at a loss she tried to think of something to stop him.

Lupin picked up Kameron

"Say bye-bye, my baby." Lupin waved the teddy's hand.

Snape seemed struck by inspiration. A smile lit in his eyes but his mouth remained still. He gave McGonagall a nudge

"Follow my lead." He whispered.

McGonagall shrugged. She couldn't think of anything.

Snape clutched his ear.

"Oh dear? What was that sneeze?"

Lupin turned around.

"I think he sneezed," Snape said. "Dreadful."

"Me. No," Lupin said. "I didn't sneeze. I'm quite well. I'm not sick. Leave me alone." Lupin backed up and huddled in on himself, needlessly agitated, protecting the teddy bear.

"Oh, no, him. Carmine."

"Kameron," McGonagall corrected.

"Him?" Lupin stopped

"Oh yes. Didn't you hear it sneeze, Minerva?"

McGonagall stared; Snape nudged her again "Yes," McGonagall said shortly. "I did, Professor Snape. What you said."

Snape opened his arms, as if he were being friendly and comforting. It was odd how Snape got on with the emotionally fragile. It was almost as if he could get inside their head.

"May I?"

"Oh, well."

Snape gently held the teddy bear like a baby, and then touched the bear's forehead. Snape furrowed his brow in a concerned manner. "He's burning up."

"He was all right this morning." Lupin felt the bear's forehead and brushed his cheeks. "I hope he isn't ill."

"Oh, it's that flu bug. I think I heard that one of the first year's stuffed tigers brought it in." Snape's caring facade began cracking.

"Oh, no. But I haven't put Kameron around anyone else." 

"Still. You can't be too careful," Snape said. "He's so young. The tiger got pneumonia.

"The poor tiger… It could be serious," McGonagall added. "Yes, yes. And Kameron is such a delicate creature," she continued, turning Lupin around. "You don't want him getting sick."

"Those things spread," Snape could barely contain his laughter, but he frowned quite concernedly. "Why don't you take Carmine down to Madame Pomfrey and see if he's all right?"

Lupin rushed down to the Infirmary.

"Let's go inform Madame Pomfrey she'll be having guests."

Remus Lupin and Madame Pomfrey were in a bit of a row by the time they made it to the infirmary.

"Oh, needles. I hate needles," Lupin flinched, snuggling the teddy closer.

"I just need a bit of blood."

"That's a silver needle, isn't it? Because silver kills Werewolves, doesn't it? You're trying to poison me. I'm onto it. That's why you gave me the metal spoons to cut my mouth and…"

"Professor Lupin, calm down."

"I AM CALM!!" he shouted.

Snape distracted Lupin while McGonagall pulled Pomfrey aside.

McGonagall spoke softly. "Look, just get that teddy bear away from him. Do an examination on the teddy and say the teddy is sick, then we'll put Lupin in the room until we get Dumbledore down here."

"The Teddy has a fever and has been acting strange," McGonagall said more loudly so that Professor Lupin could overhear.

"The teddy bear?" Madame Pomfrey said.

"He lied about Draco Malfoy trying to feed him to a dragon. He's dragon happy, I swear."

Madam Pomfrey picked up the bear and set him down on the bed.

"You aren't going to poke him with a needle are you?"

"I'll just take his blood pressure, Professor Lupin. Why don't you sit here and take a load off? I'll take good care of him," Madam Pomfrey said.

She took the blood pressure. She stared straight at McGonagall, shaking her head as she attached the bear to the spignomemometor.[2] They put the arm cuff around his teddy bear arm. Lupin sat on the next bed wringing his hands.

"Well that's 0 over 0 with a zero beats per minute. Heart's fine for a teddy."

"Well, don't be scared, baby." Lupin said, petting Kameron's head.

"Now you sit down here, Professor Lupin." Snape helped by shoving him down without a great deal of subtlety. He also tripped him and caused Lupin to go flying into the bed.

"Oh dear. I don't like his color. And this fever… I think we're going to have to get him some tests."

"Tests!" Lupin said. Snape pushed him back onto the bed. 

The teachers were pawing around outside of the Infirmary, curious as to how they would stop Lupin's Reign of Teddy Terror.

"There's a special teddy bear hospital up in Essex."[3] McGonagall said, "Perhaps we should call them."

"Oh yes." The teachers nodded, concocting false stories.

"A twuly wemawkabwe and weally pwestigous institution."

"Yes, topnotch." 

"Yes, my stuffed Elephant went there for his gall bladder surgery. Very high quality institution," McGonagall said. "Private Rooms, the best doctors. Kameron will be good as new."

Lupin whimpered "Oh dear, I didn't know that it could be so serious. Is he…"?

"You just wait in here and I'll phone a broom lift to Essex," McGonagall said leading him into the old waiting room.

They stuck him in the waiting room and locked the door. Filch pulled out the skeleton key and locked the four locks.

Lesson 5: Never ask about what happened to the rabbit .

Headmaster Dumbledore approached the crowd of professors.

"Well he's inside the next room. I don't think he can get out."

"Excellent work, Miss McGonagall," Snape applauded. "I'd almost believe that there _was_ a teddy bear hospital in Essex."

Filch put a chair against the door. "Oi, we should just lock'em up a bit. That'd set him straight. Like in the old days. No taxpayers' expense that way. That'll scare him sane."

"He seemed so stable, before. Now he just seems so stressed and agitated." 

The crowd assembled outside argued in whispers that grew into sharp comments until the Headmaster approached. The Headmaster of Hogwarts he had seen many bizarre and troublesome events at the school. Strangely, the appearance of a psychotic episode was eerily familiar. 

Dumbledore hushed them. "I'm going to talk to the boy. We are not going to lightly throw around words like crazy and mad. Werewolves are delicate creatures in some respects. But I do believe that he is just overwhelmed. There's no doubt in my mind he's troubled. He's been very busy and under a lot of pressure. From the ministry, from all the publicity from his book, his dog running away…"

"I do 'ope the dear boy hasn't gone off the deep end," Hagrid said. " 'E's a nice little bloke.

"Such a marvelous fourth in bridge," Flitwick nodded.

"Now, I'm sure Headmaster Dumbledore will help him with his Teddy Bear Problem," McGonagall said.

Remus Lupin stood up, still unaware that he was locked in the room and still awaiting Madame Pomfrey. Dumbledore entered the room where Remus was sitting. The teacher stood up and unconsciously offered him a seat. 

"Master Dumbledore. Hello."

"Hello, Remus. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Excellent. I'm here with little Kameron, have you met him?"

"Well, no," Dumbledore said, puzzled.

"He's not feeling well. They're sending in a broom from the teddy bear hospital in Essex."

"Teddy Bear what? " Dumbledore sat him down on the chair. "Right."

"How are you?" the old wizard asked again, with an urgent look in his eyes.

"I'm fine, Master Dumbledore. Even excellent."

"Remus, I understand that your class has just finished up their unit on Werewolves."

"Oh yes. I'm personally glad you're protecting me," Remus laughed. "Children have such dangerous imaginations. You won't have to worry about those kids running into a werewolf. I'd know better."

"We thought it might be better if Snape had substituted for you, considering the sensitive nature of the subject. It must be hard to teach how to kill a werewolf."

"Oh no, it was easy. I have intimate knowledge of how werewolves act for one thing. And I did teach them much more than a text could. I could also tell them about behaviors, cloistering. So little research is done on the subject. I _had_ to teach them how to kill one. It's only logical that I would be the best at the job."

"You did a splendid jo,." Dumbledore nodded. "You are one of our finest and most beloved teachers."

"That's what matters," Lupin said.

"But does it bother you?"

"Of course not. No," Lupin shook his head.

"Anything else bothering you?"

"I'm fine." Lupin stood up, beginning to pace.

"I notice you did not escort your dog here to Hogwarts this semester."

"Oh, Snuffles, well..." 

"He's run off… I take it," Dumbledore said.

Remus nodded. "Yes, but I doubt he'll show up again. I think he's run off for good this time. He was thinking of leaving… the block as it were, so the… Dogcatchers wouldn't find him."  
"Ah, the block. Well, you obviously miss him. You haven't been able to talk about it at all."

"Yes. But I know how the world works. And I know what kind of dog he is. I know his past, and if he didn't run away then… why, it would have been bad. I would have really lost him."

"I trust he won't be too cold when he's alone," Dumbledore held his hand.

"He certainly has plenty of places to sleep," Remus scowled. "He'll probably find some other beds to sleep in."

"Oh, Remus," Dumbledore sighed. "It's changed your behavior. I'm worried about you, Remus. You haven't been getting out like you used to."

"I'm not a very social creature," Remus said.

"And the book took a lot out of you, and the pressure from the Ministry. I know that Fudge is too stupid to catch on. But your writings are by nature political, son. It's stirred up a lot of discussion. I know that the Malfoys are breathing down your neck because of it… This can't be any comfort with Snuffles missing."

"I'll be fine. I'm done writing it. It's very successful."

"Yes, well, success can be as troublesome as anything else," Dumbledore said.

"It's not a problem. The attention is strange, but I'll get over it…" Lupin had backed in to the corner as he paced nervously. He couldn't hide his state of mind in such a contained environment. 

"Lupin. Are you taking care of yourself?" Dumbledore shifted in his seat.

"Yes, I told you, everything is fine."

"Yes, but you're wasting away. Your moon is going to be in two weeks and your robes are hanging on you. You haven't been eating."

"I'm just not hungry. I've been a little queasy… I've been… I'm better now."

"I want you to take a rest."

"I don't need a rest," he snapped. "I don't need anything." Remus's voice deepened. "Just leave me alone."

Albus Dumbledore was glad he had lived to see the phenomena of bristling before. Like a regular wolf, an agitated werewolf could make himself seem larger and more threatening should another larger werewolf or person upset it. They swelled up and their eyes darkened. It must be frightening to anyone who had never seen it, even inhuman. It was more a fear reaction than an attack. Werewolves were quiet creatures unless they intended to scare off their enemies.

"You're bristling like a pup," Dumbledore said. "You sit down."

"I AM FINE!" Lupin snarled.

At the shouting the professors, Snape and McGonagall perked their ears. They shook their heads.

"Poor Remus," McGonagall said. "I can't bear to listen."

"No one asked you to stay," Snape said.

Minerva McGonagall looked coolly at Snape.

"Nobody asked your opinion."

"Well, seeing as I do have a background in the study of Lycanthropy, I imagined that Dumbledore might need some back up."

"Back up," McGonagall looked coolly. "He's our friend. I-"

"_Your_ friend. I tolerate him."

"Well, Mr. 'Expert-in-Lycanthropy,' what do you think?" McGonagall crossed her arms.

Snape looked down turning the page in his magazine. "This is obvious to me. _Lycanthropus nervosa. I think it would be best to call the Ministry and send a big white van for our Mr. Lupin there right away."_

"Oh, come now, Snape."

"I've done my research. Muggles get it and you know it's 97% more likely to happen in a werewolf. How can you convince yourself that you aren't a wolf if you actually turn into one? He's going to start acting even stranger soon."

"Well, I know the research too. Usually the symptoms are wolf delusions. He'd be loping after first years and hunting stag in the Forbidden Forest," McGonagall said.

"They begin as simple stress disorders. The wolf delusions don't begin until at least stage three. And I'd rather we catch it now than risk it," Snape said, crossing his legs.

"It's no hoighty toighty Lycanthropus Nervosa," Madame Pomfrey said. "He'd be under the delusion he was being watched under the evil eye. Then he would start sleepwalking. The advanced symptoms are always sleepwalking. That's the primary symptom of it, you two know-it-alls."

Madame Pomfrey plumped the pillow.

"I know my DSM-IV."

Dumbledore lead a pouting Lupin out of the room.

"What's your assessment, Madame Pomfrey?"

"He just needs some peace and quiet. A little saffron tea. No stuffed pandas or wizarding for him," Madam Pomfrey said. "You're not leaving, Professor Lupin."

"I think you should rest until your moon, Remus."

"Our class has a practical drill this week. Do you know how hard it is to rent a Mountain Tengu in England? They almost made me buy it. No one else has the background in Eastern Goblins. You have to let me…"

"Send it back. Now, Remus, you get some rest," Dumbledore said.

"This is preposterous. I'm fine."

Madame Pomfrey coaxed him into a quiet room.

"Take that thing away," Dumbledore said pointing at the panda.

"It's starting to scare me," Flitwick said.

"It's just because of the eyes," Hooch said. "Little black glass eyes."

"Like a doll's eye," Binns said.

Snape stared at his colleagues.

"No, it's too weird. Look what it did to Remus. Maybe it has a jinx on it. Remus has enemies."

"Remus Lupin doesn't have any enemies. Even Snape wouldn't drive him mad."

"Well, who would send it to-"

"Careful, it could be listening to us."

Snape grabbed it, shook it, and bounced it on its head. "It's just a teddy bear. You act as though it were alive. It must be catching."

"The way he was mothering that thing was just creepy," Flitwick said.

***

Professor Snape was at the head of the DaDA class.

"Oh no," Ron said audibly.

"Professor Snape," Harry said mournfully.

"But it's not the moon yet. There's at least two weeks," Dean whispered.

"One week and three days."

"Where's Professor Lupin? Is he all right?" Harry asked.

Hermione glared at Ron. "I knew it, Ron made him cry and Draco made fun of him…"

"Professor Lupin is resting. As you may have heard, due to his condition, he is having a severe attack of PMS. Because of this he was forced to take a short leave of absence.

"While I am here there will be no slacking. And, seeing as you are off topic, we will be returning to the course materials." He flipped open his lesson plan

"Now we will be discussing Ancient Egyptian Mummies."

"Oh no," the class groaned sans Potter.

"Mummies," Sean kicked the table.

"Mummies? But we were discussing Chinese Goblins," Hermione said.

"Do you think a mummy would care that you knew about Chinese Goblins, Miss Granger? Feel free to read outside of class. I must admit I find this Mummy text duller than dirt, but there is no alternative since Mr. Lupin was lax in leaving a lesson plan."

"Well, maybe they'll be interesting. I saw a movie..." Harry said.

"There are no mummies left. Everybody knows they died when William Shakespear killed the last one in Cairo in 1862 at the World Championship."

Harry decided he better not ask.

"Yeah. Now all you can study is dead mummies."

***

Remus should have been reading lighter material. He was getting a headache. He looked at all the books; he couldn't believe his eyes. How could he doubt it now? 

"Mr. Lupin," he heard her voice.

He lowered the book to see the round, cute visage of Madame Poppy Pomfrey glaring at him.

"I'm not reading wizarding books, I'm not."

Madame Pomfrey took this unreasonable suspicion as an improvement. At least Remus trusted her enough to eat the food she brought and occasionally touch his skin. He eyed her carefully.

"Oh, don't read up on those sickness journals." She put it back on the shelf "You'll get nightmares, dearie. You'll start to think you have Goblinwort fever and Quidditch wrist and such. You need to relax. I brought you a nice soft bunny."

She took the rabbit out of the box.

"A brown one." Remus gushed. "She a-door-bell."[4]

"Yes, poppet," Madame Pomfrey said.

"It's a cute little thing." Lupin held it in the air "Oh hello bunny wabbit. Hers who is bunbun." Remus held the rabbit close; "I think I'll name her after my grandmother, Gillian."

"Excellent name for a rabbit." Madam Pomfrey said. Of course in four days all that would remain of that rabbit was what was left between his teeth.

"Come on Gillian. My little baby," Lupin smiled and kissed the bunny.

"'Lives of Werewolves by Berrington' '_A discourse on the Courtship rituals and Birth Practices in Lycanthrope Communities in the Pacific Northwest_.' '**Mating cycles in Dark Creatures**' and…" Pomfrey shook her head "Feh, I better lock these up."

Harry, Ron and Hermione had decided to go visit Professor Lupin in the infirmary. Well, Ron was still dodgy but Ginny had dragged him along. Making him carry the big chocolate cherry pudding wrapped in red cellophane with a red bow on it.

"Professor Lupin?" Harry said quietly.

"Harry… Oh, Hermione, and is that Ron and Ginny?"

"Hello. You've got a bunny," Ginny smiled.

"Yes, Ginny. Her name is Gillian. Do you want to pet her?"

"She's so big," Ginny lifted her.

"Well what brings you all here."

"Ron brought you a get well present, 'cause he sent you to the infirmary," Hermione informed him. Ron crept into the room.

Ginny gave him a shove so he would move faster.

Ron sputtered out. "I'm sorry. Here, take this pudding. So I thought, you need it. It's better than hospital food."

"Oh, Ron. You sweetheart. If I wasn't on forced vacation I'd certainly give you twenty points for coming down here."

"You aren't mad at me?"

"No. I just bristle when I'm upset."

"Good. I thought you hated me worse then Snape," Ron said. "He took away 30 points 'cause Harry was inking his quill too loudly. Then he let that snake Draco use a pencil."

"Oh, that is preposterous," Lupin sat agog. "Well, don't worry. You're doing very well this semester. If you keep it up, I'm sure you'll win back all your points."

Ron smiled. "Really?"

"Your werewolf paper was very informative."

Ron could have blushed, "I thought you'd get sore."

"Well the grammar could have been better and your MLA is atrocious. Work on that."

"Okay."

Ginny pet the bunny on Remus's lap.

"Well, Snape isn't doing too bad. He gave me a B++ on my Egyptian Curses Quiz. That's cause we went to Egypt last summer," Ginny smiled. She was so proud of her good mark that she had sent an owl home. It was hard for her to shine in the Weasely household. In fact DaDA, CoMC and Potions were her only strong classes. It was a minor miracle to get a good grade in a class taught by Professor Snape. She didn't have a memory for charms and she didn't have the constitution for sitting through Binns.

"Good job, Ginny." 

"Snape's raven sang to me and everything."

"I think it's kind of interesting," Harry said. He was learning a lot even if he couldn't get better than a "B." In fact, since the answers were multiple choice, he had gotten 44 out of 50, though the comments had said "abysmal" "appalling" and "Hopefully the mummy will be stupid as well as blind."

"I think it's 'cause me and Ron went to Egypt," Ginny smiled.

"Yeah, we have to learn all this stuff again," Ron said. "I mean I'm acing the quizzes but it's so boring. I think even old Snape nodded off while teaching it. About the difference between a ka and a ba and a blahblahblah."

"Well, it's important to know your ancient history."

Hermione shook her head. "I am so bored. All we're talking about is the belief structure of Ancient Egyptians. Egyptian Funerary, the Transmogrification of the Transcendental spirit into reincarnation. I learned that in pre-school."

Remus Lupin stared at her. "You scare me sometimes, Miss Granger."

"I swear, I hear someone talk about Mummies again..." Ron said.

"Mummies," Remus Lupin gasped "Mummy…. Mummies…" His lip trembled, "He doesn't… I I… She won't. You have such a nice Mother who made you a puddings and…Mummy…"

He took the rabbit from Ginny.

Remus began tearing up again he snuggled the rabbit, crying into his fur like a big Kleenex.

"What did you do NOW?" Hermione hit him. That shoulder was developing a callous.

"Excuse me," Remus blubbered.

"We'll just leave you alone," Harry said.

Remus sniffled and the three backed off without turning their back on Remus.

They heard a wide useless bawl as they closed the door.

****

Andrew Diggory, Head Iris for the Ministry of Magic, checked his pocket watch. If this airplane thingummy was going to be so dangerously unpredictable, then why would there be so many muggles here? Waiting hours upon hours for these flying things to actually land somewhere they needed to be. He twitched his lip.

He began to resent each muggle that slodged out of the tiny door, for just existing. He hated waiting. But he couldn't Apparate out of nowhere. No efficiency. No bit of planning. He was a better messenger than that. The most important thing about being a good messenger knows the best way to deliver the message. Otherwise they were no more than owls with a pension and excellent dental.

It was more than reading a message. Only the basest amateur would read a message sent in sacred trust of the Iris. Of course knowing what the message said already that was the key. 

He knew that this message was to ex-Auror, American. Andrew heard from his friends in the Aurors that this ex-Auror's friend was having an internship. Right under the auspices of the Black Commission… No more was needed. There was something in there about Sirius Black, so secret that only a human agent could protect it.

Andrew considered that if this message were so important, Black would have to be alive. A death would have been a field day. A joy really. Lots of popping things and such. But if it were something else. Sirius Black joining the Dark. He was Dark. Sirius Black making trouble in America. No no…

Andrew looked out into a crowd and saw a black dog.

And the Iris looked up.

He rushed out into the crowd.

He saw him there. Andrew tackled him.

"Well, Isn't this a marvel, Mr. Black?"

The dog let out a yelp.

A little girl looked horrified back at him. A mother looked back.

The dog gave him a frightened look.

"What are you doing? To my puppy."

Andrew let go of the dog.

"There is no need to worry. I have it under control… If you'd be so kind as to give me a hand, in restraining." Andrew picked up the dog.

"Mummy what's he doing?"

"This is a very serious matter. This dog."

"He's hurting Peekachew." The little girl growled.

"Look, you." The Father said.

"Your dog?"

Andrew Diggory sighed. Only in hindsight he doubted that Sirius Black would have chose the form of a small black schnauzer he could throttle in his arms. 

"He's my puppy Peekachewie. And you can't hold him."

The little girl stared at him.

"Dreadfully sorry Ma'am, Miss." Andrew pulled himself up. He put on his bowler derby.

The mother looked at him disapprovingly.

"He looked like mine… My dog. Whilford… And it's a game we play. I miss him terribly."

"Now look bub. You get lost with you. I don't need this kind of nonsense. Come along Deidre."

The fiasco could go unremarked, but he wrote it down, everything. A little paranoia was good in times of crises. Oh he could just see the write up now. The other Iris and the Ministry would get a good laugh. Better get a good one now.

            For it was a plain fact that Andrew Diggory could guess what the message said, not even bothering to look at it.

Once everybody else realized that Sirius Black was in England, there could be no laughter. He dotted his "i"

  


* * *

[1] I like ear trumpets.

[2] That is the word for the blood pump.

[3] Green Mile… Boohoo

[4] That's a Lindsey Paris word if I ever heard one. "Cad Dawk" is the language spoken to the cats, dogs and Teddies in the Paris Household.


	4. Chapter 4Keep away from Andrew Diggory

Lesson 6: Giant's Dance is the original name for Stonehenge 

            Lupe Grieves was reading the pamphlet, the whole flight from Paris to Heathrow. Then in the cab to the hotel, she taken to reading aloud all the places she was interested in seeing. "Cerne Abbas, Y'all ever go there Fen?"

Mainly her interests lay in pre-christian boring fields with rocks in them. She'd never been anywhere with real 'honest-to-god' ancient ruins. 

            "Near Dorchester, Dorset, A 200 foot high figure of a man bearing a club, incised into the chalk of the hillside. The giant has been variously identified as Roman, Celtic, and Iron Age... Isn't that wonderful?"

            Fen Grieves sighed somehow this was wonderful to her, English major nerd. He put his fingers on the window. Lupe somehow managed to swat them off the window without looking up

            "Says here His err... hoohas have made him the source of fertility practices over the centuries; it is said that if an infertile woman spends the night within the figure, she will then be able to bear a child. "

            Fen realized she was reading that much too loudly for his taste. Their constant exposure after the May Moon in Italy had irked him a little. Italy was a perfect place to spend the spring.  It was pure romance. Already he was wondering if this expedition back home to England would be planned earlier in May, when Lupe was in a better mood and the couple couldn't get enough of each other. 

            "Stonehenge" Lupe's thick Texan accent made it seem like another word "Stone haynge" "also referred to as the Giant's Dance is on of the World's most spiritually powerful places.  Wiccas and Neo Pagans through out the world celebrate-  Hey Thare Fen.  You think any of your folk any special knowledge about Stone Henge."

            "I've seen it so many times. I've never fancied that kind of magick. Too many hippies and tree huggers and diviners."

            "I took to you to see the Alamo. Twice."

            "All right."

            "Oi Ma'am you from America right? Might I suggest-"

            "Don't try to stiff us on the cab.  I'm here with my husband and he grew up on the West End. I wouldn't mess with him neither. He works for the Ministry."

            "Ease up old gel. I was just wondering."

            Lupe settled, "Oh I'm sorry. Have you ever been here 'old chap'?"  She approximated Fen's elegant West End accent. She showed the cabby the picture of the chalk giant.              "Oh yeah I remember that place the giant was incredible. Wendel was his name he had the biggest..."

Chatty warm friendly Lupe, if anybody asked her two questions she could win anyone over.  Of course she was very defensive, and most people would be too afraid to ask her two. Sure she was very shy and defensive.  You learned that when you were different.  But she was also the warmest friendliest person you could ever meet.

            A few moments later they got out of the cab.

            "Do you think it's true about the chalk giant? Shug."  Lupe kissed his ear. Her hands were always warm.  She was so vital and wonderful and Fen was once again convinced that he was the luckiest husband in the entire world.  He and Lupe were a perfect match.  Damn his mood changes.  He wanted to be cross with her.

            Fen purred "Hmmmmm.  I don't know we certainly don't need a giant here. Let's go drop off the bags Lovie."

            "What about the rest of the day?"

            "Oh come on, Wendel would want it that way."

            "You are incorrigible Mr. Grieves."

            "It's either that or schlepping down to King's Cross." Fen said

            "'Schlepping.'" Lupe asked.

            "Yes."

            "Then let's drop off the bags."  Lupe smiled as Fen bent down so she could kiss him.

Lesson 7: 'Finger quotes' are annoying.

            It was that Tuesday that Remus Lupin walked down the hall perfectly healthy. He whistled a happy tune and seemed to skip down the halls.

            The teachers all saw Remus and stared.  They hadn't seen him look so happy in… well ever.  He was glowing with healthy energy.

            Harry ran up to him "Professor Lupin.  You look great."

            "Thank you Harry." Remus said, "Your mother was right." He winked at Hagrid.

            "Where you going to keep the rabbit now?" Hagrid said

            "Hagrid." McGonagall chuckled. "He must of…"

            "Oh right." Hagrid said "Put me foot in me mouth.

            "What happened to the rabbit?" Harry said.

            "I let it go." Lupin blushed and coughed.   
            "I'm glad you're better." 

            "I'm just feeling better. But I don't think my problems are over."

Snape's potions class was letting out.

            "Snape.  Fancy running into you here?"

            Snape stared at the werewolf.  No it was a surprise; it was his classroom.  But the fact that Remus Lupin was trying to make mindless chatter.  Didn't he understand that he didn't like him?  He was too nice, sunny.

            "Lupin might I ask what you are doing down here?  I think the wolfsbane is on the boil for tonight, other than that."

            "Snape.  It is not that."

            Snape looked around; there was something odd.  The Code of Salazar Slytherin stated 'One person's Secret is another Person's opportunity.' He didn't pay heed to the old thing, but he noticed vulnerability in Lupin.  Could it be a secret?  If Lupin would admit to being a werewolf what kind of horrible secret would he actually hide?  Would it be enough to get him fired?  Then he could close into the open Professor of the Dark Arts position.

"Lupin, is there something you are hiding?"

"Snape I… I can depend on you.  You're a stand up chap. And even if you don't like someone, you wouldn't torture them…" Lupin paused.  "At least not anymore."

Snape wondered if it was a good idea acknowledging his existence.  Lupin might start thinking of him as a friend.  He might intend to expand their friendship.  Oh gods he hoped the werewolf didn't want to be friends.  He'd die.

"You might even get a kick out of being the better man. Having a secret on me…" Lupin smiled, "We both know Dumbledore, but, but…"

"You can't tell Dumbledore?"  What could have Lupin done?  Ate Fawkes? Dumbledore was the most generous and forgiving men he had ever met.

"No.  He would be so angry." Lupin shook his head. The werewolf motioned him over "I can't tell anyone.  I've tried to put it out of my mind.  It's making me strange.  I just…  I need to tell someone.  I can't live with it.  I'm going crazy just thinking about it."

"Why are you telling me all this?" Snape said a little irritated at all the fuss "What about McGonagall or Flitwick?"

"I can't… I couldn't tell Dumbledore, and what would Harry say?  He was in class anyway."

Snape felt as if he had been slapped on the wrist. "You'd rather ask a 14 year old for help than me?  What am I, the bottom of the barrel?"

"I just..."

"You'll tell me what it is."

"I don't-"

"Mr. Lupin.  You will tell me your secret now."

Lupin shook his head.

"I can keep a secret.  I certainly haven't any told anyone why your doggie is gone."

"But you hate Sirius?"

"As much I hate your little boyfriend, I made a promise much deeper than you can imagine.  Besides, it will be so much more satisfying to turn him in myself."

"You'll help me?"

"Yes.  I swear I won't hold it against you."  Snape muttered "I can't believe you'd ask Potter for help before me.  I make you Wolfsbane every month and this is the thanks I get?  I'm not going to spread it about." Snape bristled "Who am I going to tell it too anyway?"

"Well, you know some of it… you can guess, maybe, but…  I'm so tired of lying."

"Yes, maybe if you *said it to me* I could help."

"I-"

"Just open your mouth and it can't be that bad." Snape grabbed Lupin's chin and forced open his jaw, "Now what is the secret." 

Lupin sniffed "I'm pregnant."

"WHAT!?"

"I am pregnant.  I didn't know where else I could turn."

"You came to me to tell me you are *pregnant*?  What do you think I am? Do you think this is some kind of joke?  I offer to help you and *this* is what you tell me."

"Snape.  Don't laugh."

            "You have a *marvelous* sense of humor." Snape shook his head laughing.

"It's strange but I've been reading up on it.  The case is almost textbook pregnancy. I can't sleep at night.  I'm nervous.  I'm nauseous."

"Oh, you're the most nauseous person I know, Lupin." Snape said,  "You can't even eat bread because-"

Lupin turned green "Stop it, you're making me sick."

"We wouldn't want to hurt the baby." Snape laughed.

"I'm pregnant.  I can feel her growing inside of me.  I feel it's already begun.  I'm not far along… I don't know what to do."

Snape turned around.  Lupin was knotting his hands, his golden eyes panicked and swirling.  Oh dear.  This couldn't possibly be… This couldn't be serious.  He was acting like… Snape stopped laughing.

"Her, growing inside?… You *are* serious. You think you are pregnant." Snape sat dumbfounded.

Lupin plunked down in fear, he sat on the floor on the verge of tears.  He curled up in the corner. "I don't know what to do."

"No but you're—" Snape put it together in his head.

  I'm already such a burden to this school with my lycanthropy. How are they going to react when I have a baby?"

Snape sat Remus down in the chair "Look." He clutched Lupin's shoulders "This is Lycanthropus nervosa. You're not going to have a baby.  What Balderdash and nonsense."

"I know it's unusual, but it's true."

            Snape looked at him.  He got right in his face and shouted, "Listen you git, you are NOT PREGNANT!"

            Remus Lupin's face, often the pinnacle of angelic and beatific composure, collapsed in on itself.

            "DON'T YELL AT ME…"

            A huge mournful howl knocked Snape off his feet.  He clutched his ears.

            "Oh, Snape, I'm sorry."

Snape pulled himself off the ground dusted himself off and slicked back his hair. "I can't wait to tell McGonagall; you've just cracked.  This is going to be so enjoyable.  At last I can finally be rid of you…"

****

Snape practically skipped into McGonagall's office.  "I think it's time to call the men at St. Mungos.  He's got more cracks in his head then Longbottom's cauldron." He knocked on her desk for luck.

"Snape."  McGonagall continued writing.  I'll have none of your petty stupid vengeance on the behalf of that poor man.  He is a fine teacher and my friend."

Snape sniffed "Well, he told me the reason he's been acting so bizarre."

"Oh, and what is that?  This better be the truth."

"Oh I couldn't lie about something like this."

McGonagall continued her writing, "Shut the door so no one else can hear."

Snape shut the door.

"He's pregnant."

"He impregnated?" lowered her quill "Oh dear.  And he's not married."  McGonagall removed her glasses and clutched the side of her face. "Who is the young lady he impregnated? Who's the mother?"

"No, no, no, Miss McGonagall. Remus Lupin is with child.  He is the one who will deliver a bundle of joy, bun in the oven, pregnant."  

            McGonagall chewed the inside of her cheek.

            "Pregnant." Snape insisted.

"Pregnant?  Nonsense, there has been only one male pregnancy in the last 300 years."

"If it is Lycanthropus Nervosa I suggest we contact the appropriate authorities.  He would want it too." Snape said.

            "The ministry of Magic is the only one with the power to make that decision.  We'll never get it through before the next full moon.

"It so happens I came in contact with a werewolf at a Potions convention in Cheddar.  He is a top official at the LOLLIPOP. The party is huge in America.  The English LOLLIPOP is still in its grassroots stage, mind you.  There bringing to PAC leaders from America.  They are even bringing back Fen Grieves I heard.

"Fen Grieves the Auror?"

"No Fen Grieves the pastry chef. Of course the Auror."

Fen Grieves was a well-known Auror who left England in a huff.  It was he who said the most famous "There can be no justice for a Werewolf in England.  He was a fabulous writer and probably the most threatening orator seen in the Ministry for a long time.  It probably didn't hurt that he was big enough to eat Fudge and had a tendency to silence his critics with an icy timberwolf stare.

"With any luck there will be a Werewolf Prime Minister before there is a female American President."

"You voted for the LOLLIPOP."

            "Of course.  Don't you ever read the Magus? That Daily Prophet is a rag.  It's written so 11 year olds can understand it."

"Well, we'll contact him if you can contact him"

"After the full moon."

"Well, we'll have to deal with him ourselves until his moon. I'll tell Dumbledore right away.  You go get Remus, he'll want to see him."

Remus was on pins and needles.  Snape awaited the arrival of Dumbledore, trying to fantasize about what it would be like when he finally axed Lupin.  It was good to finally be in the right classroom.  He wondered if there were any decent candidates for a new potions master, actually there weren't.  Snape began thinking about getting new stationary when he heard them approach.

Dumbledore shook his head; Snape could hear the old Headmaster whispering to McGonagall outside the door, "Oh my word. We must see him at once.  If he's gotten a young lady pregnant--"

"But, Master Dumbledore, it's not-" McGonagall was interrupted.

"I can't believe he didn't tell me." Dumbledore was so worked up.  He did care about all his professors, deeply.

Dumbledore entered the room. Remus darted up the second he saw Dumbledore.

            "Remus is their something you want to tell me?" 

"I've… I've been so silly. So reckless" Remus was weeping.

            "Well why didn't you tell me it's gotten so bad.  You poor boy."  Dumbledore opened his arms. "Come here.

            Remus fell to his knees weeping. Dumbledore sat him down and petted his head.

            "There there, Remus."

            "Master Dumbledore, I have to say that it's unusual and-" McGonagall said.

            Remus wept demonstratively.

            Filch and Hagrid were having a discussion about where to house the new tengu goblins when they heard a wail coming out of Master Dumbledore's office.  

"Oi Remus.  Why is he crying?" Hagrid said entering the room, "McGonagall what's going on?

            Dumbledore dried his eyes for him.

            "Now, my boy.  You made an honest mistake.  It was good that you told Snape.  He came down here and told me right away.  We're you're friends."

            "I've brought shame to the school.  It will be a scandal." Lupin whimpered.

            "Oh." Filch smiled and licked his chops "Scandal?"

            Harry Potter appeared at the door "Professor Lupin you wanted to see me after classes."

            "Yes, You had better sit down."

            "Did Ron make you cry again?"

            "No. I have something shocking to tell you." Remus said.

            "Now tell us Remus.  Who's the mother?  Who is pregnant?"

            Argus Filch approached "What kind off profligate and preevert are you?  You aren't married."

            "A baby, that's wonderful." Hagrid said. "Who's the Mummy?"

            Remus looked up puzzled "But McGonagall told you."

            "Master Dumbledore, I was trying to say..." McGonagall said.

            "She didn't." Dumbledore said.

            Remus lowered his head.

            "It's me."

            Dumbledore blinked twice.

            "Professor Dumbledore, I'm going to have a baby."  Remus began crying.

            "What?"

            The whole room was silent except for Lupin's cries.  A hesitant cough rose.  .

            It was Harry.  He held up his finger "Can wizards have babies?" Harry said.

            "I see.  You're not just a preevert, you're a floozy too. Well I don't cotton to those kind of loose morals."  Filch hit Remus with the bottom of his push broom.

            "Filch, leave immediately." McGonagall said.

            "You think you are pregnant?" Dumbledore clutched his forehead.

"I found out in the Semester break.  From my mating season this May, Early summer.  It's perfect timing. I must be in my first quarter of pregnancy.  A werewolf is pregnant for a year before…"

            Hagrid shook his head "Remus, you silly boy. A bloke can't have a baby. Unless you're a seahorse.  Y'aren't part seahorse are ya?"

            "I couldn't tell anyone.  I was so frightened. It's not safe in this world.  If I can't do magic how can I protect myself? Protect my baby?"

            Hagrid ruffled his hair "No wonder ye were going all white over those werewolf essays.  If you thought you were in danger, why not come to yer friends?"

            "Because.  There's more to the story. I couldn't betray a confidence, I don't want you involved in this mess, Hagrid or you, Minerva.  Dumbledore knows, and Harry, oh Harry I'm sorry."

            Dumbledore was still speechless.

            "I couldn't tell Harry because it would be too much of a shock and…I couldn't even tell you Master Dumbledore.  I thought you'd be ashamed of me. And my behavior."

            Harry ruffled his hair panicked "What could be more shocking then having a baby when you're a man?" Harry squealed.

            "The Father."

            Argus Filch broke his broom.

            "Filch get out of here." McGonagall shouted.

            "The Father." Hagrid gulped.

            "And who is the Father, Remus?" Snape grinned with bitter glee "Give us a thrill.  Who needs the Daily Prophet when we have this happening?"

            "Oh my… Oh dear. Is it…" Dumbledore just looked thirty years older something bizarre occurred to him.

"Well I should tell Harry." Remus looked at the small green-eyed boy in the corner.  Harry held his hand.

"Sirius Black is the father."  
Harry jumped a foot in the air in shock "WHAT!!!!!"

Hagrid held up his finger, fainted, toppled over onto McGonagall and Snape with a thud.

"Hagrid." Snape howled, "Get off of me you lummox."

Harry sunk back into his chair dragging his fingers through his hair. "Unc… Unc…. Sirius!?"  He began hyperventilating. He stuck his head between his knees trying to breath.

"Oh my word.  You, Lupin! How could you even? He betrayed Harry's parents. How dare you bring up that name"? McGonagall shouted from under Hagrid.  Her finger wagged furiously from beneath the giant. The Deputy Headmistress had not been a witness to the events on the Night of the Shrieking Shack.

"Up we go, Hagrid." Snape tried to push him off.

"Sirius Black." McGonagall shook her head.

"No… No." Harry shook his head "Sirius Black, but…"

 Harry paced around.

"Sirius Black."  Hagrid muttered as he came too.

"You and Sirius Black did… well… and he made you pregnant?" Harry said.

"Yes." Remus Lupin seemed to curl in on himself.

Harry looked like a flying mackerel trout had just hit him.  Harry tried to catch his breath again, putting his head between his knees.

Snape got an odd look in his eye he looked at Harry.  He winked at Harry once.  Harry was surprised.  What was Snape doing over there?  Snape walked over behind the werewolf, frail like a wilted flower, frowning as if he was going to wither into dust.

"Oh, of course.  It makes perfect sense."

"No. Snape you can't-" Harry growled.

"Yes. Sirius Black. They even met once, when he tried to kill Potter. Oh yes.  It makes perfect sense.  They are in some conspiracy. I can't believe I didn't see it that night."

Harry hadn't seen anything like that.  They were just talking.  They were proving Black innocent.  But why was Snape betraying him?  Making Remus look evil."

"You can't." Harry shook his head.

"The passion between their eyes, their furtive touches, their long romantic glances. I was there… I should have known."

Remus shivered in fear. His eyes were haunted with shame.  Harry wanted to hold him.  Snape stood behind Remus.  Harry had never hated the vile Potions teacher so much. Not for all the points, not for all the abuse. How could he betray Sirius Black? How could he betray Dumbledore?  How could he be so cruel to Remus?  Harry's fist balled up.

Snape clapped his hands on Lupin's shoulders

"Of course they were 'lovers'"

Harry paused.

Snape smiled "Oh, right, yes 'Sirius Black' is the 'father' of the 'baby.'"  

            McGonagall froze and Hagrid looked closer.

            Remus nodded mutely.

"And the 'godfather' is Voldemort. And whom should we call to be the godmother?  Why I think I have Father Christmas's phone number. Let's call the North Pole and see if he's free."

Lupin looked up at Snape "You don't believe me?  I-I-"

"'I, I, I' You are headed for St. Mungos.  My god, you're crazy." Snape said.

"But I'm telling the truth." Remus said.

"Well, Sirius Black…  I just can't believe it."

"I thought he was a ladies man." Hagrid said.

"Actually, he was." McGonagall said.

"He didn't strike me as all that particular." Filch said "Perfect for the Floozy."

Snape said, "But no, he's madly in love with our Professor Lupin now…  Don't you see?"

"You're mocking me.  I can't…"

"'_You're mocking me._'" Snape whined, "Don't make sick."

Harry Potter stood up, "You leave him alone, Snape.  You nasty old BUZZARD!"

Snape turned his head. 

"He is very delicate.  He's going to have a baby." Harry clenched his jaw.

 "You actually believe him, Potter?  Oh well, I suppose your brains are overrated.  He is either lying to get a headline in the Daily Prophet or simply out of his mind."

"You leave him alone.  If Remus Lupin says, he is pregnant.  He doesn't lie.  And you don't talk bad about Sirius Black either, none of you.  He's an innocent man.  And we all know Remus. He's the nicest sweetest... And if Remus says that he is the father than he is."  

"Harry, you're not angry?" Remus said.

Harry held his hand, "I believe you.  But it's just a little shocking."

McGonagall shook her head. She whispered in Harry's ear. "It is a little farfetched, Harry.  But it's kind of you to humor him."

"But I don't even understand, blokes can't *have* babies." Hagrid clutched his aching head as he walked out.

"In my day if a bloke got himself pregnant we weren't all so easy going." Filch scowled.

McGonagall took to leave "I'm going to my next class.  You take care, Remus.  I'm sure Sirius Black is the father.  You just sit here and we'll go find Sirius Black and tell him.  I'll bet he'll be surprised.  Happy even." McGonagall straightened his robes and left the room.

Snape nodded at his handiwork, "That worked out well."

Harry put his hands on his hips "You…. How could you be so cruel?"

Snape rolled his eyes "You have to ask?  I hate you."  Snape shook the boy off "By the way 10 points from Gryffindor.  I would have added a 't' somewhere in the word 'buzzard.'  But you always had a polite tongue didn't you?  I think that I was worthy of that, for my wonderful performance."

Harry scowled "Why did you say all those horrible things to Remus?"

"Well I thought you wanted to keep your godfather alive, seeing as how he's the father of the 'baby.'  If we try to hide it they'll just find out.  It's not a very believable story."

 "Of course…  You're protecting Sirius." Remus clutched his stomach "If anyone found out that we were lovers they could use me as bait. Now I'm going to have his child…"

"You're certainly quicker on your feet than I am." Dumbledore said  "We confuse them with the truth."

"If we tell everyone who asks that Sirius Black is the father they'll think I'm lying." Remus said.

"You are lying." Snape said.

Remus sat down and grumbled, "I'm not."

"You did like the dramatic turn I added. Just made it all the more nasty when I ripped him apart." Snape grinned.

Remus looked up.

"From what I take of the way Lupin was mooning after that stupid Black mutt, he's one x chromosome away from being the father of his child.[1]  I thank God for small favors. Now at least that vile little twit can't spread on his genetic material to the next generation."

"You can't talk that way about the father of my child."

"Look, I am a mean grouchy pathetic man.  I can speak in whatever manner I choose.  But as for all that business, I don't give a fig." Snape brushed it off, "I care nothing about what 12 years in prison will do to the male libido and why he queered up in there.  In fact I might just take a Dementor's kiss and suck that thought out of my brain."

Snape grimaced at the thought of Sirius Black. "Black is a disgusting, wretched, filthy, buggering… well there must be a reason why his parents saw fit to name him **_S_irius ****_O_rion ****_B_lack." Snape emphasized the first letter in each word.**

"You could have betrayed Remus."

"I don't care about Remus and Sirius's love life. Besides.  The thought of turning in Black on my own is intoxicating."

Remus Lupin threw himself at Dumbledore's feet.

"I know Harry can understand but please. Don't cast me out. Please. Please Forgive me."

            "What? Remus Lupin." Dumbledore said, "You are my friend. I would never betray you.  I couldn't abandon you in your hour of need."

            "You won't."

            "Well it might be hard to negotiate time for your maternity.  First we will have to prove to everyone you are pregnant."

            "No needles, no blood."

            Dumbledore shook his head "We'll just call some experts.  They can tell you if your pregnant or not."

            "Well then.  You just go back to your room and relax.  We'll get someone right away."

            Remus left the room.

            Dumbledore crossed his arms, and shook his head.

            "Well what are our options?"

            "He's not dangerous." Snape said.

            "We've been working on it.  Snape knows a chap in the LOLLIPOP who can send in some experts right away." McGonagall said.

            "Hmmm.  Yes.  I do know a…  Calliope.  Yes charming woman.  She's a very powerful werewolf from the old days.  Likes ballroom dancing.  I'll contact Mrs. Lightfoot, immediately.  You better owl your friend, Severus."

            "Well let's get to it then…"  McGonagall said.

            "That crafty old man.  You're better at this then you let on Master Dumbledore." Snape said.

            "I've had some practice."

Lesson 6a: The further you keep away from Andrew Diggory the better…

            The couple did make it to King's Cross only it was the next day. Fenrir Grieves looked at the many cars unloading into King's Cross.  Only he could see the man, a handsome blond chap with a blond moustache.  He wore a bowler derby, but his clothes were so fussy he had to be a wizard, either that or a rent boy from the 1880's.

            "Lupe, Lovie I think I see someone."

            "What's wrong Fen?"

            "I'll be right back."

           "okay Fen."

            "You're the Wet Blanket."

            "Pardon?"

            "That's what Lukas calls the Iris."

            "Ah at least it's not as bad as some monikers."  The man pulled a rainbow scarf out of his sleeve, the calling card of the Iris.  They were as the rainbow, the message seen by all, to be touched by none.  Under the Department of Muggle Misinformation, it was the worst job in the ministry.  Only the brightest and the best went into it.  Their duty was to give messages and live.  One of the only groups in the Ministry who actually managed this.  There were only two deaths anyone could think of, but Peter Pettigrew had only been a Junior Iris on the All Saints Day incident.  James Potter had been the only Iris to die in the line of duty in 700 years.

            Fen shook himself.  He was home in England and it was nearing Halloween.  He couldn't be helped for dark thoughts.

            "Andrew Diggory." The wizard shook his hand.

            "Fen Grieves."

            "I have two messages.  One from Gwydion Yard, the other from Madame Lightfoot."

            "What would they want?"

            "It didn't seem important.  I'd open Mrs. Lightfoot's.  Charming woman, gave me ginger snaps.  I nearly missed my 4:00 appointment to brush my teeth."

            "Oh, kay." Fen had picked up a few useful Americanisms.

            Andrew continued, "She couldn't contact you at home, and saw fit to conscript the Iris.  She hasn't done that since well I think 1979.  But since Mrs. Greisel the Werewolf Iris, has since retired to America, I was conscripted."

"Oh that's nice.

"You wouldn't know where Key West is?"

            "Yeah it's in Florida, very sunny like Greece." Fen said 

            "Sunny of course." Andrew smiled "I can't help wishing I was closer to retirement.  But the ministry would fall apart.  I couldn't imagine what Fudge would do without his Iris.  Eye of the Pyramid, what?  All of us Aurors and Iris do all the work.  But you don't need to hear that."

            Fen said "Cheer up.  They'll be election soon enough."

            Andrew grumbled, "With Lucius Malfoy in the pocket of every parliament.  The BAp has been on the mend.  People are tried of Minister Fudge. How the WAp chose him to be it.  They couldn't pick someone with brains.  Barty Crouch might have been a bafter but he would find a way to out maneuver the Malfoy fortune.  We need someone with brains."   Andrew was probably the best person to ask about what was happening in the world of English politics.  He was extremely intelligent.  It was the one thing preventing him from being the most powerful man in the ministry. 

            Fen looked up at the London sky.

            "Feel free to read the other on the train.  I'm not used to giving out two messages.  Besides.  I think the sooner you open it they sooner you'll be expected to deal with it."

            "It can't be that bad."

            "You're going to have a rotten vacation Grieves.  That's more than a simple divination."  Andrew Diggory walked behind a billboard and disapparated.

            "Who was that?"

            "Iris."

            "They have them here to.  God.  You're not in the Aurors anymore. You're on vacation."

            "I still am a wizard."

            "If y'all such a ladidah wizard why can't you just take out the trash with yer magic wand." Lupe straightened his jacket out,            "Why didn't they call you on your cell phone? Or on the scrying bowl?"

            "None about." Fen said.

"Yeah they need to learn to use your cell phone." Lupe patted his chest.

"This was too important for Owl post." Fen said "Owls. You really have owls?"

"Yeah."

"You mean like in that movie we saw with Richard Burton, with that hoot owl. Robes long pointy hats.  Yer a regular Merlin are you."

            He opened the seal.

            "There is a chap werewolf who might have Lycanthropy Nervosa.  She wants us to come along and help out."

            "Poor guy.  Well Stonehenge can wait."

            "But you've been babbling… talking all day about Stonehenge

            "This could be serious." Lupe said, "It's been there for 5000 years. It can wait another day for me to see it."

            He opened the Letter from Mrs. Lightfoot.

            "Oh my word.  Look Lovie."

            "Hogwarts Express, straight to Hogsmeade."

            "Where is Hogsmeade?  You seem excited."

            "Come on.  I want to show you something.  These are the genuine article. We couldn't pay a million dollars for tickets to Hogsmeade in America. I thought we'd have to steal a broom."

            "What could ever be so great about a town named after a pig?"

            "You want to see the heart of the Wizard's England, we've got to go to Hogsmeade."

            "So that's where he's at?"

            "No he is not. He's at Hogwarts."

            Lupe began to get a heavy feeling of annoyance "Hogwarts?" Fen grabbed her wrist winked and began dragging her along. "This isn't turn into one of your fixations."

            "I just want you to see what I'm talking about. It's the best school in the world. If they hadn't have burned my letter for being an outed werewolf…"

            "Fen you were eleven years old. You're head of your own PAC, you drive a Lexus and own a speedboat. You're in the English Ministry of Magic.  Honey you're just never getting into Hogwarts."

            "Do you want to help? This is what we're here for. Helping all the English chaps who never got a fair shake." Fen shook his head "Lupe you don't know what it's like for a werewolf growing up in a place like this.  The prejudice, the snide little cuts, the slayers.  There is more hate towards werewolves in this puny island. That poor man is sitting there.  Us English werewolves have to stick together-"

            "Now you're puttin words in my mouth." She straightened her gypsy skirt and silver bangles. "Fen, I'm sorry."

            "Yes it's just a bad time of year…  It brings back too many memories.  Before I met you.  Before Voldemort was dead.  I'm not even sure this was a good idea."

            Lupe scruffed the back of his head "We don't have time to think like that right now Fen.  We got to get to Hogsmeade."

            Fen smiled "Lupe."

            "Well what platform is the train to Hogwarts on then?" she asked.

  


* * *

[1] Or some kind of mental problem, actually.


	5. Chapter 5 Werewolves drive SUVs

Lesson 7: Don't yell at a Pregnant Werewolf!

*******

A group of long black trucks arrived at the gates of Hogwarts.  They weren't the usual trucks but all covered up.  Sports Utility Vehicles.  People began piling out of them.

            "Are they muggles?"

            "They couldn't find the school then."

            A tall man with obsidian hair and beard came out.  He was huge.  But despite this his skin was deathly white.  A lean teenager approaching from the big truck who could have been a seventh year at Hogwarts was black. Even darker skinned that Alicia.  He wore dark glasses.  

            The black man nodded, looking up.  He clasped the big pale guy's hand and bowed slightly.  Most of the other werewolves seemed to bow to him too.  They all seemed to know him.

            "Chief."  
            "Lukas, How's England treating you?"

            "Alright.  Pizza sucks.  But other than that I like London.  Better than Paris."

            Meanwhile the teachers were looking out the windows as well.

            "My god.  Look at all of them.  How many Werewolves does America have?"

            "Enough."

            The tall pale werewolf approached the headmaster.      

            "Mr. Dumbledore."

            "Welcome to Hogwarts, Mr. Grieves."

            The tall werewolf laughed.

            He shook McGonagall's hand roughly.  "This is Lukas Lykus, my attendant, my mate…"

            Harry worked his way down.

            "Who are you?"

            "Oh, well, we're representatives of the Loyal Order of Law-abiding Lycanthropes International Party Of the People."

            Harry nodded, "Are you all werewolves or just friends?"

            Lukas, the black werewolf nodded "Oh, trust us, they all can't be werewolves or how'd we get anything done on the full moon.  But I am."

            "I guess.  My name is Harry Potter."

            Fen Grieves gasped "_The_ Harry Potter.  Well it is an honor to meet you, young man."

            Lukas shook his hand, "You da bomb, man."

            "Lupe, get a picture. It's Harry Potter."

            A woman with long black hair jumped out of nowhere and snapped his picture.

            "Don't be shy, Potter."

            "I couldn't." Harry was reeling from the flash.

            "I'll add it to my scrap book.

            "Why are we taking a picture of him?" she asked in a light Texan accent.

            "He killed the dark wizard, Voldemort."

            "He's just a little kid." She smiled.  Lupe seemed so little next to dark Lukas and the tall, pale Mr. Grieves.  "Lukas, you can go now.  Go explore."

            "Okay, Mrs. Grieves."

            "Harry, this is my mate, Guadalupe Guarez-Grieves."

            "Hello.  It's good to finally see where Fen grew up.  I didn't think there were this many wizards in the world."

            "You've never been around wizards?"

            "No.  I became a werewolf at twenty-six.  They call it being Enraptured.  I still say I got jumped.  I couldn't have believed this crap existed till I met Fen."

            "Old Hogwarts.  Did I ever tell you I almost got into Hogwarts?  The second they found out I was a werewolf they couldn't have that…"

            Lupe rolled her eyes.

            "Well, I went off to the Conservatory in Savannah…  Conservatory of White Arts.  Salutatorian, class of 1976."

            Lupe gasped and snapped a picture of Hagrid "Wow, is that a giant?"

            "Half…"

            "Wow.  I don't believe this.  Go on, Dude, smile."  Lupe began snapping photographs of Hagrid who only obliged the friendly American tourist.  The photos wouldn't develop anyway. 

            "Is this alright?"

            "Make love to the camera, dahlink." Lupe snapped his photo.

            Mr. Grieves, Dumbledore and another blond lady walked off and the werewolves began to explore the castle, taking pictures, making elegant art historical analysis on the statuary and architecture, and all kinds of other touristy things.

            "Alright, you guys.  Don't interrupt.  It's time for classes.  I don't want to get in trouble 'cause you were making too much noise."

****

           Remus looked down the hall outside of the room they set him in.  A tall, blond woman with an old, soft face approaching the room.  She was much older than most of the werewolves he had seen.  Her eyes, of course, were bicolored.  Remus knew he shouldn't panic.  The woman entered the room, held out her hand.

            "Hello, Poppet.  No need to be shy. Me name's Calliope Lightfoot.  Mr. Grieves called me down to help."

            Remus sat down a little at ease.  This was certainly not the white coats from St. Mungo's.  They might actually listen to him.  He had to convince them all he was telling the truth.

            "We just have some questions to ask you."

            Remus sighed uncomfortably.

            "You believe you are pregnant? Am I right?"

            "Yes."

            "If you don't answer us all of 'em how are we going to know what to do?"

            "Oh yes," Remus said.  "I'll be happy to cooperate."

            "Well, your friends say that you've displaying odd behavior.

            "Well, why shouldn't I?"

            "Has yer magic been working?  Weird things coming up when yeh cast yer spells?"

            "I haven't been casting lately.  I don't know."

            "No, you look a little peaked, like you can't sleep.  You don't like you got much of an appetite on you.  You've got to keep up your strength.  Good hearty meals, more meat, I suggest."

            "So. Lessee here.  You got yourself a teddy bear.  Oh just like it.  I had a muggle friend give me a teddy bear when I was expecting my Gordon.[1]  I used to mother that thing.  I made it little clothes.  It was the most darling thing.  They threw it up in the trash.  But, well, Gordon came along soon after."

            "So it's not crazy to have a teddy?"

             "Werewolves all of us have very strong connections, very maternal instincts.  Even in the bucks like yourself.  That's why most Folklore says you shouldn't give a werewolf a teddy bear.  We get very attached."

            "I never even had a teddy.  I had a ball and my favorite stick.  But I didn't have any dolls.  I thought they just did that because they thought I would chew on them."

            "Dogs chew on teddies.  How could anyone hurt a cute little thing like that?"

            "All the nesting symptoms. Have you been dragging around anything like a blanket, moving about your furniture all of a sudden."

            "I moved my desk to the other side of the room.  I just feel this need to make room for the baby."

            "Yes."

            "Like, I don't know, like, I started clearing out my closets."

             Calliope paused.

            "Tell me if you've been having girl trouble, poppet."

            Remus looked down.

            "I won't tell anyone. It's none of their business." She nodded.

             "Perhaps the equivalent."

            "Ahh."

            "Is it your mate?"

            "I don't have a mate.  I …"

            "Come now."

            "I guess you call my lover that… but I—"

            "So there is a special someone, and they took up and stranded you?"

            "Yes, how did you know?"

            Calliope stopped writing down his responses "We only got a few more questions to go."

****

            Snape looked out the window down at the werewolves having a picnic in the sunny meadow.  

            "What is it with these American werewolves?  'Embrace your wolf.'  Makes me sick."  Vector said.

            "It works," Snape said coldly.  He stared down the older Professor  "They have much lower turn over rate as it were.  At least 75% fewer werewolf attacks.  Most of them end up working for the light.  At least two thirds."

            Snape pointed.  "Take Mr. Grieves. He was a top Auror in America.  He's going to be Minority Party leader in the next election."

            "Well, just because a few of them are good," Vector said.

            "He came a few years before Remus.  He didn't hide his lycanthropy.  He had to go to Savanah.  He's a peerless ally of light."

            "It helps to have a few werewolves on our side.  Help us crack the bad ones," Flitwick said.

            "Still I won't feel right till they are gone."

****

            "I never thought I'd be having lunch with Albus Dumbledore, in all honesty, sir." Fen smiled.

            "You embarrass me," Dumbledore said.

            "I wonder how my life would have changed if I hadn't gone State-side."

            Lupe rolled her eyes "Fen never got over the fact he couldn't come here for his schooling."  Lupe cut the meat on his plate.  "I might not know arithmancy from Aristotle, but he's explained it enough."

            "Yes, if there is one thing about England that you need to know, it's Hogwarts, the greatest wizard's school in the world."

            "Besides the horrible pizza," Lupe said.

            Dumbledore laughed,  "I only wish that I could have had the honor of graduating such an honorable student.  I was mortified at the Governor's decision."

            "Yes, but you were the Headmaster to change that.  Remus Lupin in 1978, Sam Gristle in 1987.  Fine Auror Gristle is."

            "Was he that guy who lived in Brooklyn? He's Sergeant to the Chief Auror of all New York," Lupe said.

            Dumbledore smiled , eager to listen to the tales of his successful alumni.  Until the door opened.

            Calliope walked into the room.  Lupe politely deferred getting up and offering her chair.  Calliope sat down.  

            "Please sit down, Mrs. Grieves," Flitwick said.

            "No I couldn't. Mrs. Lightfoot is talking." Lupe lowered her gaze

            "Oh yes.  Well if you feel more comfortable."

            Mrs. Lightfoot was a powerful old werewolf, clearly outranking any of the others in England.  She was Alpha female to several influential packs herself.  Fen Grieves moved aside for her and moved his chair down, bowing slightly.  As leader of the American Lollipop, they were almost equals, so they could sit at the same table.  It was bad manners to sit at a table a higher werewolf didn't invite you to sit at.

             Werewolf hierarchies were quite subtle, but very important.  They always waited for the host to eat.  They always stood up once a higher werewolf walked into the room, they would naturally bow their heads.  They always spoke in turn and in consensus.  It was hard to get an honest opinion from them. Of course the fact that they were all Americans balanced that out.  Calliope motioned Lupe to sit, and the woman returned to her chair, silently.

             Werewolf protocol was a little above the experience of most of the faculty, and they stared at Lupe's bizarre actions.

            "Well Mr. Grieves, Master Dumbledore.  I've been talking to Remus and it's clear to me his problem."

            "And that is?"

            "He is pregnant. Pass the potatoes, pet."

            Snape would have broken his fork.  Calliope took some food on her plate. 

            "It's a rather advanced case." She finished after a bite of her lunch.

            "I'll say, isn't he rather, ah, bereft of the equipment?"

            "Oh not that kind of pregnant, Sparrow.  He had Hysterical Pregnancy."

             "Pardon?" Dumbledore asked.

            "It happens in werewolves about Mr. Lupin's age.  When families are settling down. The First children are being born. Werewolves are very sensitive creatures.  Now the moons have been running odd this year.  Right on top of the wolf mating season. If Remus were to go into season while he was in his other body… then it could start something like this.  That's usually what happens."

            "This has happened before?" Dumbledore tried to clarify.

             "Werewolf men get hysterical pregnancy all of the time." Fen said, "In werewolf couples husbands start acting pregnant before the wives do.  They are very close relationships.  We can only give our heart to one person."

            "But occasionally a girl, usually a Captured or someone without a magical background, will break up with her boyfriend. She'll be in her first heat and get confused.  Losing a mate is so painful anyway for our kind.  So they get confused, their hormones start misfiring.  Oh, it's scared so many boys.  Can you imagine it?  Your girlfriend saying she's pregnant. We've had 13 cases this year of acute hysterical pregnancy in London alone."

            "I still don't see it as quite sound.  A man can't get pregnant."

            "He's been through the wringer this year, from what he told me.  I'd start to think I was Napolean if it were to happen to me.  This won't last more than a month."

            "But it's ridiculous,"  Vector insisted.  "Men can't get pregnant. Be reasonable."

            Lupe glared at him, "Look that's why it's called _Hysterical_ pregnancy.  Get with it."

             "Pureblood, right?" Fen chewed his beef.

            "I don't see how that has any bearing on this situation."  Vector looked shocked.

            "Oh, you Purebloods think werewolves are all growling and biting.  We have other problems," Calliope said.

            "So what will happen?  What should we do?"

"Remus will get over this.  The best way is to get him back into dating.  Of course, he won't want to. He'll start nesting soon.  Give him plenty to eat and don't yell at him.  He's very tone sensitive.  His senses will become hyperactive, and his emotions will rocket all over the place."

            "Why don't you call him in?" Dumbledore said. "I don't want to talk behind his back."

            Remus entered the room, looking much frailer than usual.

            "Remus. Sit down." 

"My name is Fen Grieves. It's good to meet you, Mr. Lupin. Hogwarts Professor, Hogwarts Graduate.  Picked up your book."

            "Thank you."

"Now, I heard you were pregnant.  Such marvelous news.  Congradulations."

            "Hello." Remus said timidly.

            "Well don't let a little case of pregnancy get you down.  Have some beef.  Go on. I never liked the stuff.  I like chicken." Fenrir plunked the smaller werewolf in his seat and let him eat off his plate.  A gesture of respect.

            "Thank you, Mr. Grieves." Remus blushed at the attention.

            "Well so, what are you going to tell the father?  Not too shocking to him I hope." Fen laughed.

            "Oh well… I can't tell the father now."

            "Nonsense," Fenrir said.  "He's going to have to know." 

            "But I really can't, he's not even… I don't know where he is."

            "Trust me.  I know people who can find him if he's left you.  We'll bring him here and…"

            Dumbledore turned white.

            "No.  We couldn't."

            "Remus, you're going to have to trust us.  There isn't a man alive who could escape a whole werewolf pack.  We're born hunters.  Lots of Werewolves end up as Profilers for the FBI.  We can catch anyone. We'll get the bloke here and-"

            "Well I don't know how to say this but the baby's father is… It's Sirius Black."

             Calliope and Fen shook their heads.

            "Poor dear."

            "Of course he is," McGonagall said.

            "Isn't he that guy in the Salem Scryer?" Lupe asked. 

Fenrir whispered to his mate but Remus could hear the words, "November…Azkaban guy… looney."

            "That's the 'father?'  Man, is he pregnant," Lupe whispered. 

            But that didn't put a damper on the lunch.

***

            Lukas Lykos had been Cassim Mubarak Wilson.  It was an ordinary boring Muslim name.  But Lukas, he had seen the word in Greek and really loved it. His name was a reflection of the Wolf that he had become.  He couldn't forget that night.  The ebon wolf man staring at him asking him again and again, as if he hadn't heard him right.

            "You can't want this. You can't"

            "Please."

            The second the saliva sunk into his blood like ice and fire at one. He felt everything more.  His vision expanded into two dog blue eyes, his nose, his sense of touch.  He couldn't imagine being human anymore, when this could happen.

            He had become a werewolf on the sole principle that he was always a werewolf.  He always had the wolf inside of him.  He had always been afraid of the dark, afraid of eyes in the night.  Now as a werewolf he could see nothing behind their cold shadows.*[2]

            Needless to say many of the Wilson Wizards would much prefer to pretend Lukas didn't exist.  After he became Enraptured they took him out of Salem School of Witchcraft and sent him straight to the Conservatory for White Arts, hoping to knock this Wolf garbage out of his head. 

              It was there he met Miss Victoria Maitland, and of course Mr. Grieves.  He had been such a dumb lonely kid.  But becoming a werewolf had changed that.  He was a real man now and about to begin his career.  Just like Mr. Grieves, fighting the scum of the universe.           

            He and Fen walked into the English Ministry of Magic, and flashed his charm, past the gate.  He was surprised how many English wizards wore robes and pointy hats.  He had never been in place where wizards could live without running into muggles.  That was the English for you.  They could all crowd on this tiny little island and still manage to pretend nothing was wrong.

            But from Fen's looks, Lukas could tell there was a lot going on here.  A lot that couldn't be ignored.

            Right now it was only one crackpot, a fugitive on the lamb since last year, July 1993.  Sirius Black had made every paper in the Wizarding world.  In the Madoushi Mainichi, The Salem Scryer, Daily Prophet, the Magus all had splashed his face across the front page.  Anybody who could catch a guy who could hide from Aurors and Dementors for a year, would become an instant legend.  He had even tried to kill Harry Potter.

            Maybe it was better to think of it that way.

            A tall chilly auror squeezed past him. She had dark hair and ice blue eyes.  Poured into a golden robe with poofy room riding jodpurs.

            "Auror Grieves.  So good you got the message."

            "Hi."  
            "You" She took a long look at his trenchcoat, brooks brothers' slacks and muggle adidas sneakers "must be Auror Lukas." 

            Lukas knew this was going to be different.

"Welcome to Black Commission, Mr. Lukas."

            "Yeah. Thanks."

            "We're glad you could get here so swiftly by aeroplane." Polaris said.  "I wouldn't trust the portkeys now.  We had a bomb smuggled in someone's cauldron, a hat bomb, on the inside of a familiar toad and someone's broom riding boots.  4 bombings in the last 4 months."

            "Death Eaters."

            The woman sighed.  

            "I was called off when the AD of Committee on Experimental Charms died sputtering and drowning in a bowl of water cress soup at the age of 33.  He died of natural causes.  Always natural causes." She scratched her head.

            "Sounds rough.  It looks like you need the extra manpower here."

            "Yeah." She looked at Lukas. "You keep your mind on Sirius Black, Mr. Lukas.  We're not interested in letting some rookie getting cruciated, scarred and spilling state secrets."

           She opened the door.  "We need better hunters on this team.  The trail to Black gets colder every second."

            She got an angry look on her face, "Every second he waits out there is an affront to Justice.  Sirius Black must be caught and destroyed."

            "You sound serious…. I mean…"

            "I won't rest till I know he gets exactly what he deserves.  But then again I wasn't planning on getting much sleep this weekend." She sighed.

           Lukas and Fen entered the room with four or five Aurors.  The special Crimes unit was in full swing.  The Aurors waved at the departing woman.  

            "Hello Polaris."

            "Hello Auror Black."

            Lukas looked around.

            "That is one of the rarities of Auror HQ.  The Polaris Black. Inspector Javert meets Bette Davis."

            "The sister?" Grieves asked "I heard that Polaris was still in the Aurors." Fen Grieves said

            "She's trying to arrest her own brother?" Lukas said.

            "No, she testified at his hearing.  Said he should get the Dementor's Kiss."

It couldn't be very good. 'What kind of guy is this Black?"

"Sirius Black, if I only knew."  The profiler was blond with a blue headband, probably to cover her inner eye.  The message said that she was a touch empath.

"Let's start our debriefing." Amanda the profiler said.  "Our new friend here is Auror Lukas from across the Pond, and most of us know Fenrir Grieves."

"You ever chase a dark wizard, Lukas."

"Not like this. I've worked with some serial killers, but this is my first non-vampire in four years.  Sometimes I feel more like a slayer than an auror."  They gave him masochistic station house coffee.

            Lukas and the others were listening to the briefing.  The team was pretty professional, younger cops, most of them profilers and desk jockeys.  Trying to sniff out the clue that would unlock the puzzle.

            It had never been that way for Lukas, he couldn't help seeing it as a hunt.  It fit him very well.  He wanted the scent of his suspect in his nostrils, he wanted to feel his feet on the ground.  There were few times he felt better chasing down a perp.

            He spent a lot of time being lead through the material by Auror Amanda, and looking at much too much forensic evidence.  Like she said, it was so old there was no scent left, nor the psychic residue she could read and analyze.

After much deliberation and reading they began branching off on their private projects.  Amanda was staring at crime scene photos.  A skinny guy was looking at blood samples under a microscope.  

The guy staring into a microscope was arguing with an auror in gold. "…Even if he had gotten into Hogwarts there was no counting on being any good.  Voldemort went to Hogwarts." 

"Look at this."

            He was handed a magic year book.  This was the first picture that they had seen.  Sirius Black's year book. The rest were mug shots and artistic renderings.  A tall broad shouldered boy with a sleek black ponytail and ice blue eyes.  His picture winked unknowing at them.

"Sirius Black. Class of 1978."

            "Yep.  The motorbike. 1969 Triumph Trident, with the letters BB on it.  We thought it was his Muggle Girlfriend's name and she died in an accident or something." Amanda the profiler grinned.

            "A flying motorbike. Kick ass."

            "Every girl in Slytherin wanted a piece of him." The profiler drawled.  "He was in Gryffindor."

            "What?" Lukas said.

            "The House system.  The Cunning and Learned go to Ravenclaw."  The microscope guy waved, not looking up.

            "The Loyal and Hardworking for Hufflepuff."  The auror waved.

            "Black was in Gryffindor.  All of them were that whole gang."

            "Gryffindor was for the Bad guys?"

            "Course not. Courage and Bravery."  Amanda the profiler winked "We were all Slytherins. The Sneaky, Conniving, Ambitious weirdoes." She waggled her pierced tongue at Lukas.

            Fen could sense the Profiler was flirting with the tall dark Lukas.  Of course Lukas was only 23.  Maybe she'd have better luck next year.

            "God, that's so unfair.  What ever happened to diversity?  If you have all the problem kids in one house what's that gonna do?"       

            "I thought you might be interested."

            Lukas continued looking at the boy.  The boy winked at him and held up a peace sign.  Into the frame came some other boys.  They waved at him, laughing.  It was kind of strange, that the pictures could be so happy, and kinetic.  No wonder they weren't useful as evidence.  They moved around too much.

            "Sirius Black, James Potter and…"

            Fen paused.

            A shy red haired boy was dragged into the frame by a blond one.  
            Lukas would recognize that coloring anywhere.

            "Remus Lupin…." Fen looked up.

            "Lupin knows Black.  I thought he was just hysterical."

            "What are you talking about?"

            "I'm sure it's nothing." Fen smiled.  "How about we get a cigarette?"

  


* * *

[1] Forgive me…Gordon Lightfoot

[2] Lycanthropy- a condition where the subject believes they are indeed a wolf, often accompanied by pursuance complex (being watched by the evil eye), sleepwalking and such.  God bless the DSM-IV

guest starring: Polaris Black, She is the brain child of the lovely Elspeth, aka L Squared, go read "Not all scars are visible" and "Black Hole"


	6. Chapter 6 Cuisine for the Gestating Homo...

Lesson 8- If you give a mouse a cookie…         

            That night at dinner when the werewolves had drove away. The school had almost returned to some semblance of normalcy, but that night at dinner.

"I would like to make an announcement." Dumbledore stood up.

            "We would like to congratulate Professor Remus J. Lupin in his wonderful news.  The LOLLIPOP has informed us that he is going to have a baby."

            The dining hall actually sat quiet.

            "Mr. Lupin will continue to teach until it becomes convenient and necessary to take his maternity leave."

            Harry smiled, "I can't believe it… Can you believe it?  It has to be a miracle."

            "I wouldn't doubt it if he was pregnant.  Pregnant women are scary." Fred said.

            Harry said, "It will be so cool when there's a baby about.  Remus will be a great father."

            Hermione shook her head  "I mean he has been mothering things.  Like my old dog.  She used to pull up blankets and cuddle my teddies."  

"Hey, He had a teddy. Do you think that he was practicing for his puppies?" Ginny asked.

            "Yes and the way he's been wandering around. Looking for strange places to nap."

            "He must be acting like a wolf."

            "Can a man get pregnant?" Parvatti said "That sounds just messed up."

            "Well he does change his body into a big wolf.  Maybe he can change his parts into a woman." Lavender shrugged.

            "That's like changing a tortoise into a teakettle."

            "I've just never heard of it." Parvatti insisted.

Hermione said, "It happened before in 1834. Darryl P. Maxwell.  Since they didn't have anywhere for the baby to come out, they had to do a Cesarian section." Hermione picked up her dinner roll. "Like this, the diagrams showed. Cutting him from his belly button. To his-"  She tired to cut her dinner roll with a butter knife.  "Then across his stomach…."

            Ron gulped. Lee Jordan fainted.  Even Harry covered his midsection.

"Gives you boys a lesson in birth control." Hermione said, scooping out potatoes graphically.

"He's such a tiny fellow.  They can't do that kind of surgery on him." Ron said.

            Harry hadn't considered how dangerous it could be for him.   But that was over a hundred years ago.  They might have found some safer way… on the other hand, people hadn't researched it in 300 hundred years.

            The Gryffindor table was a buzz with conversation.

"It's impossible…  A man can't have a baby."

            "He can if he wants too."

            "No he can't."

            "Yes he can."

"How is the baby going to survive? Without a womb."

            "Where's he going to put the baby, in a box?[1]"

            Harry listened to the many heated conversations at the Gryffindore table as her finished his supper.  This was certainly going to make a lot harder and Hogwarts for poor Remus, and Sirius was no where to be found.  Perhaps Harry should inform him.  Sirius would have to find out.  

            But on the other hand, Remus should be the one to tell him.  He was the baby's mother.  Harry resolved to send him an owl right away.

***

            Meanwhile, far away from the faculty table, Remus lupin was in Hagrid's hut. 

Hagrid placed a large plate in front of Lupin.  

"Here you are, Remus.  Now, Mrs. Lightfoot said lots of good food for you."

"Hagrid I can take care of my own dinner.  I can just eat in the dinning hall."

"Oh yeh need someone to take care of ya.  I like making dinner and the animals like you about.  It's certainly more pleasant than making it for the harpies."

Remus looked at the slab of scorched red meat on his plate

"Now you need extra protein.  So you just eat up everythin on your lil plate there." Hagrid smiled.

"Mutton." Lupin looked at the plate with worry.  He didn't like beef or mutton except on certain occasions.

"Yeah.  Just the thing for a mommy."

Remus looked down at it.  A big bloody hunk of red meat, practically mooing.  He poked it.  There was something different this time.

"It looks fabulous." Remus said with surprise.  He tucked into it.

"I thought you would like it." Hagrid left Lupin to get him something to drink.

Lupin had already his teeth around the flank of the mutton

"Ha then.  That's the spirit."

Lupin didn't speak while eating.

Hagrid scolded his table manners "Now big bites. Don't chew it too much. There's too much flavor.  Try not to chew, just tear it off."

"This is fabulous." Lupin smiled, "I don't even like mutton.  You are a good cook." 

"Hah.  This'll do you good I think.  I think you're just a little puckish."

Lupin grabbed the tankard and drained it, without looking at it.

"I don't like milk. It gives me gas… I think I'm…lactose intolerant."

Lupin wiped it off his mouth and his milk moustache.

"Probably your digestion is changing a bit.  You just wait."

            Lupin had nearly tucked away the entire plate of mutton, by the time Hagrid walked back.  Boy that boy could eat.  How could he stay so skinny. 

"A nice salmon steak."

"I couldn't."

"Just the thing for a mommy wolf."

"Ooh I couldn't… well since you cooked it."

Remus poked at it and put his wooden fork in his mouth.

"Just think you're eating for two now."

"You know I'm not so hungry."

"Rubbish I know you are.  Now, what's wrong then?"

"Well it's hard and hot and I want it cool.  Do you have the piece that's not cooked?"

"Oh certainly."

He walked to the fridge and pulled out a big slab of salmon.  He placed 

"Defrostorium." Hagrid snapped.

The slab of raw fish sat on the plate.  Remus sighed.

 "Gotta get your blood …"

            "Eww blood.  Not so much.  Could you rinse the blood out?  It's yucky."

            "Come on eat it, blood's good for you." Hagrid poked the fish.  Remus swooned covered his mouth.

            "Is there anyway you could rinse off the blood?

"In nice cold running water.  We'll just leave it sit."

Hagrid grabbed the plate and walked to the sink. He turned on the faucet and rinsed the salmon till it got soggy and the pink drained out. About twenty minutes passed and…

            "No blood."  He put it in a paper towel.  "A nice raw, uncooked, bloodless, salmon steak."

            Remus took a tiny bite

            "It's kind of soggy now. Will you trim the soggy bits off?"

            "Well of course it's soggy," Hagrid said practically  "I washed the blood off."

            "I don't want to be a problem." Remus cowered.

            "No, no.  I'll trim the soggy bits off."

            "You will?  Thank you, Hagrid."

            Hagrid took out his knife and snipped all the soggy white bits of fish.

            "There you go now. A nice bloodless, raw, uncooked, salmon steak with the soggy bits trimmed off."

            Remus smiled and tried to bite it.

            "It's too cold.  It hurts my teeth."

"Well, it is raw." Hagrid tried not to laugh or shout.

"I don't need to eat it if it is cold.  I can just let it go."

"No we've got to find some way to heat it up.  Since it's not cooked."

"Could you put it in the microwave oven for 10 seconds? So that the skin gets warm and the flesh is cool."

"Micro what oven?"

"Microwave. It makes things hot fast. I have one in my apartment in Manchester.  But it doesn't burn stuff like magical fire.  I don't want to pick off the cooked parts."

"We don't have anything like that in Hogwarts.  All the house elves cook everything."

"But I don't want it cooked, I want it warmed." Remus pounded his fist. 

"I don't… you're going to eat it." Hagrid was getting a little frazzled.

"They have them in petrol stations." Remus began to beam.

"Petrol Stations?"

"Yes.  I remember you go in and they have burittoes.  You buy Petrol for Bike don't you."

"Yeah.  Thirteen miles away."

"Great.  You can go warm it up and I'll wait. And get me a buritto too"

"Thirteen miles away?"

"Yes. But only for ten seconds. More than that and it will cook the flesh."

            "Alright."

Hagrid walked to the stables got on his bike with the salmon under his arm.  He drove for 20 up to the petrol station in the bike.

"Do you have Microphone oven."

"You mean Microwave. No, but the 'Gas and Gulp' has it down the road.  Bout 10 miles."

Hagrid mounted the bike.  He could smell the salmon already.  It was leaking onto his clean overcoat.

He saw the gas station up ahead and said a short prayer.

He finally arrived at the Gas and Gulp, propped his bike and walked in.

"Do you have a microphone oven?"

"Micro what?  No.  That's for paying customers."

"Oh, alright."

"And none of them gold gag coins those boys up there at the school give me. People trying to pay me in solid gold. I'll get fired."

Hagrid checked his pockets.

"I thought I had a pound somewhere."

But alas he remembered he left all the muggle money in his sock drawer at Hogwarts."

"Come on man. It's solid silver." Hagrid said.

"No gag coins.  We do everything except Euros."

"I don't have any muggle money."

Hagrid drove the 23 miles back to Hogwarts.

"Unbelievable the cheek on some people.  He wouldn't let me use the microwave unless I bought something. Wouldn't even let me use wizards money..."

"Oh. You didn't use the microwave." Remus sighed.

"Well no."

"It's alright I'm not hungry, you shouldn't go to so much trouble…"

"It's no problem."

            "I just won't eat it."

            "No I'll just go up and get my muggle money and drive back and then I'll microwave your salmon and drive back."

            "Thank you Hagrid." Lupin smiled.

            "Can I use your microwave now?" Hagrid told the clerk.

"Sure.  You have to buy something."

"Let's see I got a pound here somewhere." He put the pound note on the counter.

He took the salmon and looked at the microwave oven.

"I'd like a frozen bean burrotail or whatever."

Hagrid lifted the salmon

"Hey you what you doing?"

He shoved the salmon in trying to fit it into the tiny box.

"You can't cook a whole fish in there." The clerk said.

"Well where else am I supposed to microwave a fish?" Hagrid said sharply.  He took a deep breath and put the salmon in the microwave.

The clerk looked as the big guy fit a whole salmon inside the microwave.

"You press ten.  There is no ten second button."  Hagrid scratched his beard, "Popcorn, burger, coffee.  No salmon button.  How do you make it work for ten seconds?"

The clerk stared and pointed at the button.

Hagrid watched the wee black box and carefully inspected.

"Oh no it's cooking.  Take it out take it out."

            Hagrid opened the microwave oven door and blew on it.  "I'll just cut it off."

            He grabbed his bean burro tail, seeing as it was almost ten at night and he hadn't had a bit of food in his own stomach.

At the end of his long drive he opened the door to his hut.

"Here is your salmon all microwave warmed, delivered by bike, bloodless, uncooked salmon steak with all the soggy bits chopped off."

He took another tiny bite.

"This fish is cleaned."

"Yes I spent all last night cleaning it."

"Well, I don't want it cleaned."

"I only got two salmon and I cleaned them both."

"Well where did you clean the fish?"

"In the pumpkin patch.".

"Why don't you get all the scales you scraped off and put them in a cup and then we can pour them on like a sauce."

            Hagrid rose to his feet again

"Okay."

Hagrid went outside to his backyard with a small cup and he grabbed the glops of dead fish scales all over.  Putting them in a tiny cup.  He walked back in his hut, where inside Remus Lupin sat patiently sat. He sat down, poured the dead fish scales on the piece of microwave warmed, delivered by bike, bloodless, uncooked salmon steak with all the soggy bits chopped off.  He collapsed on the table completely exhausted.

            "Enjoy your dinner, Remus."

            Remus smiled brightly, "I don't mean to be a bother."

Hagrid looked at him.

            Remus looked at the steak.  Grabbed it in his hand and shoved it in his mouth with one bite.  He licked his fingers and settled back.  

            "That was yummy."

            Hagrid looked hopelessly at his friend.

            "Ooh can I have a bite of your burrito, Hagrid." Remus said.

****

The next morning, Remus woke up rather early so he would have time to move his painting to the far wall, and move his chiffarobe to the opposite end of the room.  He began on the couch.  By then there was no time for breakfast.  He rushed down the hall to his 1st year class.

On the way to Defense against the Dark Arts, Remus Lupin was stopped by feeling an eraser chucked at his head.

            Peeves was outside the door of the class.

            "Floozy Loopy Lupin. Got knocked up."

            "You detestable creature, get away."

            "I hates you. Your baby too. I'm gonna get your little puppy cub."

            Lupin clutched his wand.  "You do and I'll call an exorcist."

            Poltergeist were generally just bothersome creatures.  But their favorite crime was stealing and eating babies and replacing them with Changeling demons.

            "You kept away from my child."

            "Poncy Pansy Easy Sleezy Floozy Loopy Lupin.  Watch your baby's crib."

            "Peeves!" The Bloody Barron and Nearly Headless Nick appeared.

            "Your Bloodiness… I was just… just…" Peeves ran off.

            "They act like this never happened before.  Humans." Nick shook his head a wee bit so that it flopped the other way.

            "Well it hasn't, exactly." The bloody Barron put his had to his hip assertively.  "But Lupin in the eyes of the church is a disgraced woman… Even if he is a gentleman."

            Meanwhile the paintings were discussing the news among themselves.

            The Fat Lady said "Remus Lupin.  I sensed something was wrong, but such a studious and polite creature palling up with that rogue Sirius Black?" the Fat Lady hated the criminal and had only recently been attacked by him "That Sirius Black was a no good egg from the beginning. There was only one time Remus ever got any points taken off, I'm sure it was James Potter's fault."

The North Tower knight, Sir Cadogan appeared "Forsooth, we shall find the rogue who take Lady Lupin's Honor and castigate the foul fiend."

            The Fat Lady shook her head "I am not explaining it to him again."

***

Later that day Remus was in his office.

"Professor Lupin."

"Come in here, Harry."

Harry 

"I want to tell you. You've been very good about all of this."

"Yes well.  You are the nicest teacher I ever had and I guess it would be good to have you have a godfather-in-law kind of."

"I've decided.  If my baby is a girl I'll name her Lily, Lilith maybe, for the papers."

"After Mum."

"Yes. She was a lovely woman but never the less completely unique."

"Lillith Lupin-Black, or just Lupin.  I feel like I've got little sister coming."

"Well I suppose I have to chose a name.  Sirius did have a pair of love birds named Aldeberan and Bossa Nova.  He has no head for naming things. He'd probably want to name her Cassieopea. He'd probably name a boy Beetle Juice if he could."

"Remus, you will be a great mum and dad.  You don't need to worry about that."

            "Thank you, Harry."

            "One day I'll call you Uncle Remus."

            "How about you call me Uncle Mooney.  The other sounds like Brer Rabbit.  But not until…"

            "Of course not Professor Lupin."

            "Lil will be a lucky girl to have you in our family."

***

"I don't think I could handle another night of that."

"Oh Hagrid, you are so selfish. He is in a fragile state." McGonagall scolded him.

"I spent 2 hours driving to a muggle petrol station to warm his fish.  I don't think I can handle tea with him.  I might say something I'd regret."

"We should be sensitive."

"I'll skin your rabbits for a full week.   I'll get you more unicorn hairs than you can imagine."

 "Very well.  I'll take tea with Professor Lupin." McGonagall said "If you must be so full of yourself."

            "I can't help it.  It's just it makes me so very sad, for Poor poor Remus."

            "What are you talking about?"

            "Well think about, Hagrid?  The baby?" McGonagall said.

            "Sirius Black's love child.  Think on that.  Her father's a criminal on the run.  And he's a poor innocent man."

            "What are you talking about."

            "Remus told me everything at dinner…  It's enough to break your heart.  Poor Black innocent, and now his poor little girl and Remus, left alone."

            Hagrid began bawling and sniffling "The baby doesn't have a Daddy."

            "Oh Hagrid.  Remus is having a fit.  He's having a small episode, because of all the stress he's been under.  Regardless of Black's innocence, I can tell you that with 100% certainty, Remus is not bearing the love child of Sirius Black."

            "But Sirius didn't do it."

            "It's just.  You know that, I know that, Even Remus might now that…  But the baby doesn't do know that."

            Minerva took a long puzzled look at Hagrid "If that made any sense I might be worried about you."

She picked up her book "I'll see Remus for tea."

"Thanks, Perfessor." Hagrid blew him nose, "I won't forget this."

***

            Minerva walked to Lupin's quarters.  Over Professor Lupin's door Peeves was writing deflammatory comments on Professor Lupin's character and morals: "STRUMPET!"  He climbed the ladder, chuckling maniacally, trying to spell out "Libertine".  

McGonagall crossed her arms "Peeves."

            Peeves looked at McGonagall and vanished.

            "Honestly."

            She kicked the brush aside.

Immediately four baby house elves appeared and whispered.  Then they climbed on each others' shoulders and erased the s. And nodded satisfied with themselves. They skittered away before Lupin opened the door.

            Remus Lupin opened the door.

            "Is Peeves back?"

            "Yes. But I scared him off."

            "He wants to get my baby.  You know how poltergeist are."

            "I wouldn't trust Peeves as far as I could throw him."

            Remus looked up "Why did he write 'Trumpet' on my door?"

            "I have no idea." 

            "Oi, you four.  Will you please fix that?"   

            "Yes, Professor, Sir. It be our favoritest pleasure." The elves piped

"Thank you." Remus nodded uncomfortably.

McGonagall walked in Remus's room.

"Now, Remus, it's good to see you."

"Have some tea? It's Darjeeling, decaffeinated."

McGonogall nodded.  Remus poured tea into his maple leaf tea cups.

"Oh, so how is the child?"

"Oh, she's doing all right."

"It's a she?" McGonagall paused.

"Yes. A mother knows." Remus looked down."

McGonagall coughed. "I'm sure she'll be a very sweet and pretty little girl."

"Oh yes, all of Sirius Black's sisters were beautiful. Altair was a little sweetie. Polaris had some nice features when she wasn't scowling."

McGonagall stirred her disbelief into her tea trying not to look too sarcastic. 

"I'm an only child, after all.  Oh, I always had an envy for people with their own brothers and sisters."

"There were six of us.  We could have been our own Quidditch team. Diana and Artemisia, Minerva , Vesta, and then of course little brother Adonis and Bambi."

"Bambi?  The Slyther-slut?   I remember her. Damn.  She was your sister?"

"I haven't heard that name in ages."

"I'm sorry.  It's just, I can't imagine you two related…"

"I can only thank Providence that I taught her for only one year. She fulfilled her requirement quickly.  After she got Azrael Bale fired, DaDA is cursed, isn't it. She went on to Love Potions."

Remus sipped more tea.

"Whatever possessed our parents to have five girls?  They weren't Catholic." 

            Remus Lupin looked at his tea.

            "Always squabbling over who gets to the butter last, always scurrying around. Always tearing at each others' hair. Who got the second hand broom?  Who got to go out and who had to babysit.  Who got to listen to the TV, who got their pretty green dress first…"

Remus began glazing over.  His eyes became liquid.

"Oh, Remus, don't cry.  You mustn't."

Remus was bawling into her chest.

"A baby needs brothers and sisters. She'll grow up so lonely. And sisters teach you so much about living.  She's my only little treasure. I'll never be able to have another."

"Oh Remus it's not."

Remus howled.

Minerva tried to pat him on the back.

            Snape began walking down the hall.

            "Where is Miss McGonagall? I have to talk to her about revising the lesson plans while Lupin is recovering his wits."

            "She is taking tea with Mr. Lupin today."

            "Fabulous.  It'll be a darling baby shower." Snape rolled his eyes. "I'll go talk to her myself.

            Minerva and Remus were both crying demonstratively, and began pouring over photographs of the McGonagall family.

            McGonagall shook her head, blowing her nose.

            "Donis was killed in a bizarre Apparating accident.  Foul play no doubt, he was always nosey.  He was a Treasure Hunter for Gringots."

            "It's okay, Minnie darling." Lupin hugged her. "You have a good cry."

            "I have to go send an owl to all my sisters." McGonagall squeezed Remus and walked off.

            "You do that, Minnie Mouser. I've got to go."

            "Now don't hurt yourself, Remus."  Minerva bawled into his shabby red robe.

            "I won't, my friend.  Oh."  Remus whimpered.

            What on Earth? Snape thought to himself.

            He had known McGonogall for decades and still he couldn't call her Minnie. Snape frowned as the dour tightlipped woman, was sniffling and bawling like a witch with a skinned knee.

            "Oh Severus. Excuse me." Minerva shook her head.  She blew her nose.

            "What are you crying on, McGonagall?"

            "It's just tragic, how fragile a family can be.  Poor Remus. Poor dear Remus. He's so alone in the world.  He can't even tell his mother. She'd kill him for sleeping around and getting into…  I just can't think about it… I-I-" She threw her arms around Severus

            "I think his condition is spreading." Snape disengaged her, tried to stand her up on her feet.

            "You better keep away from Lupin." Severus said.

            "I promised Hagrid I would take tea with Remus." Minerva said.

            "Well get someone else.  You're a mess.  Listening to Lupin can't be any good. Look at you Minerva." Snape brushed her tears off "Why did you never show me any family photos?"

            "You know them already…  Why would I have too?  Vesta was in Slytherin, if you've forgotten already."

            "No, of course not.  Any red blooded man would remember her…  Even the green blooded and the yellow blooded ones remember her…"  Snape said, the oddest look on his face "Now that is a woman. Vesta McGonagall."

            The pensive look on Snape's face was punctuated by a catty raven, whistling like a wolf , "Hubba hubba. Vesta."

            Minerva glared at the raven.  She never liked that bird.

"I'm just pointing something out.  You never showed me photos of you as kids." Snape said, "Don't get so defensive. And you know your sister is a bit of a beauty.  Have you ever had anyone tell you differently?"

Minerva crossed her arms "I know she knows how to manipulate stupid men."

"Of course, It'd be a shame for it to go to waste."

            "Well if Remus wasn't having 'Sirius Black's' baby, I was going to set him up with one of them."

            "You never set me up with your sister." Snape cocked his head to the other side,  "I wonder what Vesta is up to now.  I haven't owled her in a long time.  I wonder if she's changed owls yet…" 

McGonagall glared at him "Do be quiet, Snape."

"What were we talking about… Oh yes, Lupin." Snape shook his head, "Well there has to be someone else who can help you?"

"You're right.  I might be a little too emotional for Remus…  Perhaps we should find someone who isn't so affected by his poor suffering.  Oh Poor Remus."

            "Well you do need someone to visit with him to prevent him from going crazier." Snape said "Someone who makes good tea perhaps, someone won't fall apart when he starts talking about his stupid fake baby. "  Snape said straightening his robes. 

            "I believe I shall ask Mr. Flitwick."

            "Well I won't protest.…  Flitwick."

            "Yes."

            "But you never asked…"

            "Thank you Severus but I couldn't risk him." McGonagall sighed, "He'd probably rip off your head."

            "Why am I always out of the loop?" Snape said to the closed door.

  


* * *

[1] Life of Brian


	7. Chapter 7 Aristotle's Definition of Trag...

Lesson 9- A very important line from Kevin Smith's "Dogma" (restated by a character played by Alan Rickman)

           Snape and Dumbledore were walking down the hall when the door to Lupin's quarters sprung open, with a sniffling Phineas Flitwick trudged out.

            "Professor Flitwick?" Dumbledore said stunned "Are you alright?"

            Flitwick didn't answer he nodded and walked down the hall, whimpering.

Instead of a photo album, Flitwick brought out all of his collection of teeth from his dead uncles and aunts.  It was more efficient.  Goblins did have a tendency to whack each other off. Apparently there wasn't a dry eye in the house.  Everyone who entered Remus Lupin's room left bawling hysterically.  It was a good thing Snape wasn't his friend.

Flitwick sniffled "I have to go send a letter to my mother.  Excuse me. I'll be all right.  Not like poor brave Remus.  What will he ever tell his mother?"

            Snape shrugged.

            "It appears that Mr. Lupin is not quite himself.  Perhaps we should get someone cheerier," Dumbledore said wisely.

            "I'm not going in there.  People cry when they come out," Snape said.

            "I was suggesting Madame Hooch," Dumbledore said.

            "Her?  But she's annoying."

            "But she'll put Remus in good spirits."

            Madame Hooch, who had very little contact with the DaDA teacher, sat quietly.  But she wasn't all bad.  There was a rumor that Hooch had tried to become an animagus, but had gotten a little lost along the way.  She ended up not changing back for a good while.  Her birdy eyes were kind of unsettling to anyone who didn't know her.  Not to mention the little head jerks.

            "This is Darjeeling?  It tastes a little off."

            "Decaffienated."  Remus smiled.

            Hooch grabbed a macaroon and rolled it in her mouth.

            Remus took a sip.

            "So I heard you had a bit of a roll around with another bloke, eh?"

            Remus blushed, "More cookies?"

            "Like I care. Phaw.  Look, if you're a good wizard and the kids like you, well, I can overlook things. You're supposed to overlook things.  That's the way things used to be.  We're English."

            "It is shocking."

            "No." Hooch handed him the plate, he was about to take one when she moved it, "But I won't forgive you if your chap wasn't as handsome as the devil."

            Remus looked away. "He was… is."  Remus's eyes began glazing over.

            "I see it.  Oh, Remus. Don't cry little friend."  Hooch patted him.

            "He was the only man I was ever with."

            "A handsome chap like you?  Rubbish. You look like that American doctor show hero.[1] You're a sweet boy."

            "I just was… a joke to him."

            "It was his fault if he left you.  They all leave."

            "He had to leave. It was a matter of life and death."

            "They all say they have to leave, too."  Hooch frowned.

            McGonagall dried her tears.

            "I was supposed to meet Remus for tea," McGonogall whimpered

            "Madam Hooch is in there," Dumbledore said.

            "She's covering for you," Snape said.  Dumbledore sighed at Snape's caustic remark.

            "Thank God."  McGonogall shook her head.  "I'll be off to the Owl Post."

            "Well, I see Mr. Lupin will feel better."

            Madame Hooch was blustering.

            Hooch said eating a macaroon.  "Oh. I know that speech too well.  It's all my career.  I don't have time for another person in my life.  I need some alone time. It's not you; it's me.  You're a lovely woman… But what they really mean is I'm off to boff off this 22 year old chick."  Hooch scowled.  "Hand me those marshmallows, Remus."

            Snape looked at Dumbledore and whispered, "She had a fellow. I always thought she played for the other team."

            "What?"

            "You know, the _other team.  The …all girls Quidditch—oh you know I'm not good at double entendre. I thought she was a lesbian…"_

            "Do not eavesdrop, Severus."

            Hooch exited the door.

            Snape and Dumbledore pretended they were having a conversation.

            "So I think that will be excellent for a Goblin repellant, Severus."

            "I'm glad you approve Headmaster Dumbledore."

            Hooch shouted into the room,            "You take care, me boy.  Thank you for the marshmallows."

            "No problem, Xiomora.[2]"

            Hooch took one tight look at Snape and Dumbledore.

            "Men! Gay, Straight, Bi, Thai, all you can think about is yourselves.  Ooh, I could just…"

            She tore the bag like an angry parrot. The marshmallows exploded all over the place.

            "Remus, you find yourself a sweet girl.  I'm going to class."

            "All you men are the same." Hooch's vicious eyes flashed, absolutely cruel.

            Headmaster Dumbledore, in his wisdom and experience, knew better than to cross that boundary.  When a woman said that men were all the same, you nodded quietly and hoped she left the room before she hit you.

            "Except for Mr. Lupin, I take it," Snape whispered.

            Dumbledore shook his head.

 ***

            "Are there any questions? On how to finish the Engorging Potion?" 

            Dennis Creevey raised his hand.

            "Mr. Creevey?"       

"Why are you wearing a steak over your eye? Is it a part of the spell?"

            "I am wearing this for two reasons. One because of the lovely black eye, given to me by Madam Hooch."  
            "Cool." Jerry Jenkins nodded.

            "What's the second reason?"

"Dennis, how old are you?" Snape came unusually close to him.

            "Twelve."

            "The second reason is very important and you must remember this all your days.  When you're all grown up."

            Dennis nodded.

            "Women are insane.  Now let us move on…"

Lesson 10: 

The owlrey was buzzing with activity. Students and faculty were immediately inspired by Remus's personal struggle to declare all their true feelings and forgive all misunderstandings.  Padma and Parvati came together even though Padma had in Parvati's strange universe tried to steal her new boyfriend (though the Hufflepuff didn't even realize that Parvati liked him, seeing as they had never spoken.)  Amanda and Roger Davies had a tearful reunion (even though Amanda had told Mum all about the little incident with the Hufflepuff girl Bridget Evanson.)  

"Dear Mum, Sorry I ate Binky. Let's have lunch sometime, Bonko Flickwit."

"Dear Mum.  Sorry for… well, 1982 onwards," Fred was sheepishly scribbling "it won't happen again.  We're naming our new magical whoopee cushion teddy after you.  The Molly Bear!"

George blew his nose."We have a good Mum,"  He said tearfully.

Ron came in and gave his two brothers and bear hug "I love you idiots."

"Ron. Our little brother."

In his office, Dumbledore wiped the corner of his eyes. "Aberforth.  This is Bussie.  I'm sorry I referred to your lovely Euthimalea as your 'Pet' goat, She is a very lovely creature. Please forgive me. Your Brother Albus."

Snape looked into the room.

"Yes. Severus."

"I am writing to my brother.  Severus, there are some events that make you re-evaluate your priorities."

Severus stepped back "Oh my God.  You had tea with Professor Lupin.  You've become one of them."

"Oh Severus.  He is in a very pitiful situation. Even if it is… strange…."

"No no no.  You aren't brainwashing me.  He's a crackpot.  I'm not listening to you."

"Now Severus."

"You're going to start convincing me he _is_ pregnant.  That Sirius is the father.  The Ghosts are planning to go out and find Black.  The Bloody Baron is leading a lynching party.  The Fat Friar is boiling ghost tar and Sir Nicholas is plucking all the ghost chickens on the grounds. I don't know how effective it would be against Black unless he was a ghost.  But it's the gesture that counts."

"That is almost amusing," Dumbledore said.  "Remus is one of the favorite teachers at the school."

"All the house elves keep erasing the horrible messages on Remus's door. Somehow they changed the last word into 'Strawberry Torte'  I don't know how."

"That is impressive.  I always thought House elves couldn't read very well." 

            "I'm going to get out of here."  This place is insane."

***** 

            Remus was invited to Mrs. Sprout's quarters.  He had trouble finding the entrance into Hufflepuff.  The stairs lead him about in the wrong direction for ten minutes.  Then he couldn't even find the secret passage.  It wasn't until some first years pulled the big red lever under the tall statue of Helga Hufflepuff that Remus could make his way into Hufflepuff.  He was rather embarrassed.  You didn't need a password or secret entrance when all Providence and Coincidence seemed to protect you.

            He finally arrived.

            "The stairs always are moving around.  Especially when no one is looking."

            "Well thank you for inviting me."  Remus smiled. 

Mrs. Sprout handed him a basket.

"Oh, you're not getting enough vegetables.  You eat those.  It will help with back aches, heart burn, all the typical complications."

If anyone would have something to say about any question of morality, it would be Sprout.  She was the oldest teacher there other than Binns.  He hadn't looked forward to this visit.

"I couldn't leave a former student out in the cold when he's in his hour of need."

"I thought some of the older teachers would balk if it were after hearing my situation."

"It's not the first time that this has happened, poppet, no.  Oh dear.  I remember when you were here.  There was a young Ancient Runes Professor, I think.  She wasn't 22 and a little bun in the oven. But Dumbledore, bless him, he set her up in the finest hospital."

            "But the circumstances are a bit strange…"

"Remus Lupin, I've been a teacher for 50 years including the 60's.  Nothing is strange anymore.  I can spot a boy whose a little light in the loafers thirty miles away.  And the way you used to carry a torch for Mr. Potter, you weren't fooling anyone."

"Really?"

"Oh yes.  I was surprised it took you so long to figure out.  It must have been your condition," Sprout said "People flirt more in herbology than they do even in _potions_ class.  Trust me.  Stephen Pembroke and Sirius Black found no less than four hundred different phallic vegetables."

Remus smirked, "I remember some of those."

"You get older and then it becomes less important." Sprout said

            "Well yes." Remus said.

"Shocking scandal it is. Having a baby and not even marrying the bloke.  A few hundred years ago they would have found that rogue and given him a wand lashing. 'Course you can't get married under Muggle Law.  Muggles are absolutely ridiculous sometimes.  That's why you've got to buck up. For the baby's sake."

"Yes."

"Hmmm, sweethearts come and go. But the real things last."

           Sprout poured him tea.

"Oh, who is this?"  Remus looked at the picture on the coffee table.

"That is Mister Allen Mossberry.  An excellent Muggle gentleman, he has been calling on me ever since I changed Nurseries to get my rare orchids and man eating plants. Venomous Tentaculas.  He named a lily after me."  The witch let out a pleasant chuckle.  "The finest man, wizard or no, since Mister Sprout, that I have ever met. Every fortnight I drive a muggle car down to his shop to buy my flowers."

The picture was of the two of them the previous year in Alahambra, one at the Taj Mahal in the early eighties.  There was even one of Mrs. Sprout and Mr. Mossberry at the Eiffel Tower in 1974.

"I think I saw him.  Long moustache.  Bright blue eyes, always wore coveralls."

"Oh, he's a persistent one.  Over 30 years."

 "Oh that's so wonderful."

            "He even asked for my hand in marriage.  I had the honor of turning it down. Twice.  I love that man."

            "But you love him?  That's wonderful.  Why didn't you marry him then?"  

"Oh, but it would never work out. I'm a widow."

            "Well, that means that you don't have a husband. If you love him, why didn't you go for it?"

"I could never…  I'm a witch and he's a muggle."

"And he never caught on all these years that you were a witch?" 

"I could never tell him I'm a witch.  He thinks I'm a Unitarian from San Francisco."

"Thirty years and he never figured out?"

"In our day and age we were polite.  We didn't go poking around.  Like the tabloids with Miss Spencer and Prince Wills, and Prince Charles. He never asked twice about what I was doing with three hundred Venus Flytraps.  He is the best gardener I ever met.  I never even used a memory charm on him.  He always was so kind and thoughtful."

Miss Sprout began tearing up.  

            "He's a dear man."

            "Oh, Mrs. Sprout, are you crying?" Remus asked.

            "Oh no, it's just, I wish…  that it could be different."

            "If he really loves you, then you can't just lock away your emotions.  You have to accept them.  And he'll have to accept you, if he really loves you."

            "Remus, you're such a good boy.  But…"

            "But what?  I know Sirius loves me somewhere.  Loved me once at the very least.  That's enough," Remus said.  "If you are frightened, just do it for me and the love I can't have."

            "Oh poor boy.  I just don't know what to do," Sprout began whimpering.  She grasped Remus and began crying.

****

            Charms class began with Flitwick pulling a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.  The class applauded.  He followed this by an amazing scarf trick

Flitwick smiled.

            "Sleight of hand is a useful trick to enhance everything from your ability to hide your wand, cast charms and hide yourself from inquisitive muggles."  Flitwick pulled the scarf from his ear.  The class clapped, "Now you will be paired up to practice some scarf tricks."

            "I don't see why we have to learn this stupid slight of hand," Draco said.

            "You just don't like it because you're not good at it," Hermione said.

            Hermione pulled a scarf from behind Ron's ear.

            "Yeah," Ron said, pulling the scarf out of his nose, pretending to sneeze it up.

            "Stop being gross, Ron."  Hermione hit him.

            Harry scratched his chin.  

            He looked at Neville.

            "Hey, Neville, old chap what's that you got behind your ear?"

            "Nothing."

            Harry put his hand behind Neville's ear and counted. In a slow contorted and clumsy flick his pulled out a scarf and waved it.

            "Taa da!"  Harry said weakily.

            "That wasn't very good," Neville said. "I saw that coming."

            "Look at him." Draco laughed.  The Slytherins enjoyed Harry's failings.

            Harry blushed "I don't understand."

            "You're supposed to be good at magic," Neville said.  He coughed and it appeared the scarf came out of his mouth.

            "I can't be good at everything." Harry stuffed the scarf in his sleeve.

Harry walked over to Hermione.

            "Say, Hermione, old chap.  What do you have behind your ear?"

            "I'm not a chap, Harry," Hermione glowered.  "It's obvious from a mile away."

            "Keep practicing, Mr. Potter," Flitwick groaned.  "Perhaps you can try something simpler.  Like the card trick."

            The deck of cards fell out of his sleeve. Flitwick laughed uncomfortably and walked away shaking his head.

            "Maybe you should give up, Harry," Ron said.  Harry frowned.

            Harry trudged to class feeling very stupid and nearly worthless.

            Remus Lupin was at his desk writing away before class.

            "Hello, Professor Lupin.  What's that behind your-"

            Lupin tried to smile encouraging Harry.  "Ooh A sleight of hand how nice. You're going to pull that scarf in your sleeve away from my ear."

That twisted the knife into Harry's heart.

            "I give up." Harry plunked down in his seat.

            "Ah, Card tricks.  Scarves, flowers, disappearing coins. I remember all that."

            "I'm not very good." Harry said.

            "Usually purebloods aren't." Lupin smiled.  I'll bet it would be easier for him to conjure up a charm then pretend too."

"Really?" Harry said with a air of hope.

"Except for your father.  He was amazing at sleight of hand.  Too bad you can't get an OWL for snazzy coin tricks."

            Harry looked down at his green scarf.  This thing must have either come from the devil himself, or been jinxed by a Slytherin.  Green was the devil's color after all.[3]

            A plate of cookies sat next to Professor Lupin.

            "Chocolate chip cookies.  I made them myself when I couldn't sleep last night.

            Ron nudged Harry.

            "Why are they green?" he whispered.

            "Take one. There are plenty for the whole class," Professor Lupin grinned.

            "I'll save mine for later." Harry said.

            "Oh come now it's just a little cookie." Lupin shook his head.

            The cookie seemed to cough purple sparks as Harry touched it.  Harry jumped. He folded it in a napkin.

            Ron didn't want to disappoint professor Lupin again.  He was expecting and all.  Ron grabbed a small cookie and lifted it.

            He looked up at Lupin.

            He took it put it near his mouth. In one bite it was gone.  Harry couldn't believe his eyes.  What was going to happen to Ron?  He didn't think anything that was green and purple (other than eggplant and grapes) could be good.  Harry took a step back.

            Ron smiled.  "These cookies are smashing, Mr. Lupin."

            "Thank you Ron."  Lupin smiled, flattered.

            "You're a good cook," Ron said "Yum."

            "Oh I'm not it was just a tube of cookie dough.  With some extras mixed in."

            Hermione swallowed the cookie in one bite.

            "Yummy."

            "Mr. Malfoy.  Have a cookie."

            Draco sniffed the cookie.  He couldn't waste the opportunity to suck up, besides maybe he would get less detention.  The Slytherin took a small bite out of the cookie.  

            He turned yellow.

            "Oh dear, too spicy.  I shouldn't have added those green chiles."

            Draco turned grey.

            "Or maybe the mandrake root or the fried sausage.

           "Don't tell me what else?"  Draco covered his mouth "It's really… unique.  Indescribable."

            ****

            After class when Lupin was out of sight, Hermione pulled the cookie out of her hair.

            "Man.  That was close."

            Ron pulled his from behind his back.

            Harry shook his head.

            "You two are getting too good at that," Harry said.  He covered his Salsa cookie with wastepapers, so Lupin wouldn't know he'd thrown it away.

            "You mean you didn't eat yours?" Draco was still green, crawling on his hands and knees.

            "Are you daft?  He's pregnant. His tastebuds don't work."

            "Serves you right for sucking up."

            "You know if I could see through this double vision I'd pop you one, Potter."

            "I'm not Harry." Parvatti said.  "Harry is standing over there"

            Neville managed to hide four cookies in his robes.  He was a bit of a whiz.

            "Maybe someone should take him to Madam Pomfrey's.  Before he throws up."

            "Look, he's turning navy blue."  Pansy smiled and applauded rather than helping him up.  
            Remus Lupin walked out of the classroom.

            "What is Draco doing?"

            "He twisted his ankle.  He's going to Madam Pomfrey."

           Lupin grinned.

            "Are you all right Remus?  You aren't going to start…"

            "Start what?"

            "Oh crying…" Harry patted him on the shoulder, "It's alright.  I can understand.  I mean it's not your fault that… that… Sirius had too."

            Harry began to sniffle.

            "Harry are you crying…"

            "Noooo." The boy swallowed his sobs.    

Remus gave him a hug"Buck up Harry. It's all right."

"I just…" Harry cut off 

"I know," Remus shook his head, "I don't understand why everyone is so maudlin and depressed.  It's just that time of year."

            "It's just, we were all worried about you," Harry said.  "You've been so sad."

            "What?  Me? Why would I be sad?"

            "Well.  You're crying all the time.  And you make everyone else cry," Harry sniffled.

            "Oh Harry, no I'm very happy.  It's just, I enjoy a good cry.  Like when you read a sad book or see a Greek tragedy."

            "But…"

            "I have many friends who care about me, I have a good job.  Why should I be sad?"

            "You mean you are making everyone cry on purpose?"

            "Maybe a little.  Maybe everyone here needed a good cry."

            Harry's deep sad green eyes stared back at him. Remus looked at James's face, sad and tempered by wisdom and suffering.  He could see something of James in him, none of the lightness and carefree joy. James was the most joyful person he had ever met in his life.  Every day he knew James, the boy had gotten the most out of life.  It was so cruel that one so innocent and happy could be destroyed so easily.

            Harry would never be James, carrying the pain of loneliness in soft green eyes, and the guilt of survival.  James would be someone he would never forget never stop loving.

            How could he hide it?

            Remus thought about James.  His shag of wild black hair and his saucy innocent eyes.  Remus had spent hours gazing into them.  The time when the Slytherins had messed with one of the charms on Remus's broom and sent him to Madam Pomfrey, James swooped into the rescue.  Carried him all the way to the infirmary.  James wrapped his arms around his waist.  He touched his back to support him  By the time James carried him down to the infirmary Remus had turned gay.  He was quite proud it had happened so quicky.

Remus hadn't even acknowledged sex existed until he was 18 or so.  Apparently that was even a little young for most werewolves.  Of course, his last year at Hogwarts had been interesting, harboring a crush on the Head Boy.  He thought he had been subtle and long suffering.  He had only confessed the depths of his obsession to Peter who promptly decided he wanted to deny it.  

Sirius had ribbed him about the journal of bad love poetry for three years.  Remus at times had wanted to cram the whole book down in his throat.  Everyonce and a while hummed the "Rain in Spain" song.  Remus wanted Sirius's head to explode sometimes.  James never exactly figured out what the joke was behind that.  Sirius never told James, this is why Sirius Black was not paralyzed from the waist down.

            He remembered it.  Hogwarts days, when he was completely clueless and young, and his first inklings of confused attractions began surfacing.  Strange dreams with James sweet whispered conversations.  Of course Lily always ended up stabbing him at the end of the dream and they involved exploding animals and naked teachers…  His mind was not a healthy place when he was 18.  It must have been the hormones strangling his brain cells. 

            That one day Sirius was camped in his bunk.  Remus bristled for a second.  He was very possessive.  He didn't exactly learn how to share very well.  Everything he had was labeled with little plastic labels his mum had picked up in Muggle Dorsett.  His books, his private boxes, his trunk,  not many people labeled their pillow cases.

            "Get off there, that's my bed." Remus said.

            "Sorry." Sirius didn't look up. Didn't even attempt to move.

            "James is with Little Miss Prefect.  I'm looking for some extra curricular activities.  The Transfiguration is a joke.  I think even Snape could do it."

            "You don't have to touch my stuff.  This is my bed.  Just hurry up.  I want to sit there."

            Sirius patted the bed "Plenty of room for two."

            "I'm tired. Why don't you just go somewhere else?"

            "Pah."

            The only vengeance worthy of Sirius's intrusion was inversion. Remus sat on Sirius's bunk.

            "Well you're in my bed…  So I'm in yours."  Remus wiggled around and puffed the pillows and rolled on his stomach. As an animagus, Sirius had just as strong a territorial instinct.  Everything of his was monogrammed, but it was the same idea.

            Sirius glowered "Fine. Be a stupid animal."

            "You started it." 

            Remus understood Sirius all too well.

            "What are you looking at?" Remus said.

            "Poetry."

"Oh. Who?"

"Sounds like Shelley.  If Shelley had no talent."

Peter walked in.

"Sirius, get off Remus's bed."

"He gave me permission for reading.

            "Peter why did you let him on my bed, anyway?"

            "What are you doing on Sirius's bed?"

            "I don't know.  You don't seem to care about people's property.  I thought you were going to be in here."

            "I'm sorry Remus."

            "Leave him be Remus," Sirius began sniggering.

            "What is so funny? Remus looked at the ceiling on top of Sirius's bed.

            "This is really bad stuff.  I can't believe it.  Do you want to hear?"

            Sirius stood up and cleared his throat.

"O the Woe I Live in is very deep, 

The rain is pain and my solace is sleep"

            Remus shot straight up.  His eyes mowed Sirius Black down.

            "Nice Villanelle, Moony.  I think they have twenty lines. Or was it nineteen"

            Remus gasped.

            "You… What are you?"

            Black snapped back his own private journal with poems inside shut.  He had stolen his book.

            "Black.  Give me that."

            Black seemed to drop it then read another section.

            "The rain is sprained, then?"

            Remus trembled.

"Oh Oh I have woe.  I stubbed my toe.  And now I walk slow.  And so I must go." Sirius saluted him."

"That's funny." Peter said.

Remus wasn't speaking.  He just began twitching in rage.

 "The Rain is Spain…  Stays mainly on the plain," Sirius began singing, exactly in the smarmy lower class accent, with his tuneless and awful voice.

Peter sniggered.

There were few times that Remus's werewolf nature was obvious, the scene that followed, when he lifted Peter off his feet with one hand, was one.

"You told him, Peter.  I'm going to die."

Peter struggled, "Moony!"

"Hey hey."

"I am going to kill you. Then I'll die."

"Remus, I didn't tell you."

"How could you, Peter.  I hate you.  I hate my life!  How could you tell him about my crush?"

Sirius began laughing "Take it easy."

"He'll go and tell James. And then my life will be over."

            "Really then.  Just like that you'll drop dead?" Sirius crossed his arms.

            "Shut up, Sirius!  You're not allowed around my stuff. You are banished from my bed." Remus gave him a swift push with his free hand.  Sirius picked himself off the floor.

"Like I care," Sirius said. "All these years you looked down your nose on me for being weird and horny.  And now you are writing this awful poetry to some bit. "

"Can you let me down, Remus?" Peter croaked like a toad "Please?  I like to breathe."  

Sirius said,  "Next time you want to declare your love for someone, just write them an essay.  You're good at that.   Not this crap poetry." Sirius handed it back to him.

Remus snapped back the journal. He clutched the journal to his chest.

"You can't tell James.  Nothing.  Nothing.  He can't ever know how I feel."

"Oh come on, James couldn't care three figs if you have a crush.  He's in deep for Evans he doesn't know what time of day it is."

"But it would…  I can't… " Remus shook his head.

"Why do you even care about James?"

Remus slammed his book shut.

"All he cares about is Lily. Is it about Lily?  I could see it now.  Best friends duel over a girl-"

"It is about the only person I've ever loved.  I'm just cursed."

"She cute?" Sirius asked.

"The only…" Remus looked down. "Boy I could ever love."

Sirius cocked his head, bit his lip then responded, "He cute?"

Remus looked at him.  He never thought anyone could even hope to understand.  He never expected Sirius to act like that.  On the other hand, nothing human was evil, and nothing sexual was uninteresting to Sirius Black.  He could understand sex.  Always.

"I don't want to hear this." Peter said "I'm going to get some candy."

"You do that." Sirius nodded.

He sat on the floor under Moony's bed, "Look James is a mate.  He'll understand…"

"I can't put this burden on him." Remus said "I must carry it alone.  So you can't tell him."

"You mean…" Sirius stood up.  He looked in Remus's eyes, "You like _James_?"

"So I can't ruin his happiness.  He's made for Lily.  He's happy.  He's going to ask to marry her after graduation next month." Remus said.

"Oh Jesus." Sirius clutched his forehead "You want Prongs?!"  Sirius tried to imagine some situation in which this made sense.  Dry doofy James Potter.  I mean sure he was the head of the Marauders and nice but…  Sexy.  Why did Remus find him sexy?  Sirius thought he was the looker of the group at least.  James was the sort of leader, and Remus was the brains except sexy.

"Yes.  He's… He's wonderful."

"We are talking about James Potter, scrawny noodle boy.  I mean he is kind of pretty but come on.  There are guys much more muscular and handsome.  I thought you would like a big cut burly man."

"I can like whomever I want." Remus said "Just cause I don't go for the Aryan poster children like Andrew Diggory."

"But he seems like an average... guy."

"It's not just his looks, it's not even his smell.  There is something unspeakable about him.  Something so nice…  and warm."

"Yeah he's a great but…"

"He's so happy.  So normal."  Remus smiled, "I always wanted that.  It just makes me feel so good to be with him."

"Yeah he is fun.  But I just don't see it."

"You don't have any taste.  You'd probably go after anybody who said Hello." Remus glared mock seductively at Sirius "Helllloooo baby."

Sirius's eyes glazed over., "Oh wow. Remus.  Lick your lips when you say that, it's really turning me on."

"You are impossible." Remus shoved him

"Isn't it marvelous though?"  Sirius put his hands behind his head.

"It's good to realize I'm not the most pathetic creature in the world.  At least I'm not praying on a poor stupid boy.  All I want is nice boy.  James or something and I can't even… My life isn't worth it."

"Maybe you just like James because you know you can't have him."

"What?

"It's the oldest crush in the book.  You know that James will never love you that way, so you can love him without hurting him, and wallowing in pain."

"You're…"

"Oh come on.  It's the oldest trick in the book.  It's in a lot of books. And it's happened to me.  Happens to everyone.  You're afraid of a real relationship somewhere.

"That is easy for you to say.  I really love him."

"But how long can this kind of thing.  Not very long I bet, when you meet someone cute who really wants you."

"What do I do then?" 

"I'd watch out for Lily.  She thinks that it's cute when she hits a big man, but she is a monster.  She gave me a bruise once the size of a bludger.  If she thinks you are trying to get her man."

"Why don't you find someone else…  Come on.  It's got to be better than moping with Peter.  Come on sling back your hair, put on some tight trousers and lets go cruising. I bet we could pick up some real hot babes. I know your love for James is unique.  But you'll forget his name in thirteen minutes."

"Is that your solution? A pub crawl."

"You bet it is." Sirius said, "Unless you want to stay here and construct some juvenile device to James to sleep with you and Lily to fail at stabbing you."

"I'll never fall in love again.  You know."

"Oh yes of course.  James… James is special, okay.  But are you going to ruin your whole life because he is nice to you."

"You don't know how rare that is."

"Look Remus.  You are your disease.  And some guy or or werewolf is gonna come around and sweep off your feet and you are going to be so happy.  I'll be there, okay.  I will be so happy when you find him.  You deserve like someone really really…"

Remus smiled "Really?"

"You know what I'm saying."

"Yes yes I do Padfoot. You're beginning to make sense for once."

"Great.  Come on Beoch…  Let's go find'em."

"Sirius, thanks, mate," Remus hugged his shoulders,  "You're so smart about these things.  You just know people.

Sirius shurugged

"You'd think you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or something other than Bike."

"Hey!" Sirius held u his hand, "Bike is much sexier than anything."

"Yeah.  I'll say," Remus said.

"You little tramp.  Werewolf lolita" Sirius said shaking his head, "Trying to get me to do things.  You know. I'm not above rebound sex…"

            "Come on, Remus."

            "You realize, Sirius.  I'm not getting on a bike with you like that again… Not like last time."

            "Come on…" Sirius coaxed him.

            "No.  You pervert…" Remus said.

            "What's so perverted about what I want?"  Sirius said, "You seem to want it too kind of."

            "No no," Remus shook his head.

            Remus and Sirius passed Peter who was listening at the door.

            "You didn't kill Sirius."

            "Peter?  Come on. Pub crawl.  We're gonna liquor up a werewolf and try to get him laid."

            "Do I have to come?  The girls always go after you two and James when Lily isn't…"

            "Come on pal.  We're taking Bike?"

            "Bike… but but but..."

            Sirius sighed, "See Peter's not coming.  Sorry Pete.  Remus.  I order you to come with me."

Maybe it will be good for you, Remus, get this crazy idea out of your head.  Fall in love with James…" Peter said.

"Come on dear.  Get a move on."

"Goodbye Peter. We'll be back soon."

Bill Weasely smiled.  The cheerful second year stared at them.  He straightened his rather sad looking sunglasses.  Just hoping they would use bike and talk to him.  Remus felt weird around Bill.  He idolized Sirius like unto a god.  

"Hi Black.  I made sure no one touched the bike.  Where are you going?  Where's Potter and-"

"Bill go back to bed or something." Remus said, "Don't you have homework?"

"He's having fun. Aren't you minion?"

"Yessiree, Black," Bill nodded

"Now this is Secret Marauders business. I'd tell you but I have to kill you."

"Don't tell James you saw us." Remus said.

"It'll be your job to cover it up," Sirius told the eager red headed weasel boy "Wink wink say no more," Sirius nodded at the boy.  Bill and Sirius were so sweet sometimes.

"Okay.  He'll never find out," Bill said.

"No go do homework," Sirius shooed him off.

"Good Luck Black.  See you Remus."

            Bill quickly scuttered away at Sirius's command, his hair trying to grow past the lame little rat tail of hair into a real ponytail.  Poor silly Weasely.

Remus parked himself behind Sirius curling up behind him.

            "You little tramp.  Already on your next victim. You ever do this before?"

           "See, I've seen you and Steven flirt. I wish I could flirt."

"Trust me that little arse of yours does all the talking for you.  You don't need to say a word."

"You are a pervert," Remus said.

"Well, you are too, underneath it." Sirius smiled.

            "You're very warm." Remus said

            "That's it?  How come you didn't fall for me?  That way we could go off and have some fun."

            "It's more than your looks, Sirius.  I can't just fall like that.  You and your damn lantern jaw and baby blue eyes.  It would get annoying.  You piss me off and you sit on my bed."

            "Don't worry.  James is going to miss a wild ride. You are a babe, if a guy can be one."

            "What's so special about me?" Remus said.

            "Other than the Lycanthropy?" Sirius asked.

            "Yes that…  I don't think anyone is lining up around the block to date a dark monster."

            "What charm, kindness, brain, having a delicate bone structure and a dynamite ass, doesn't mean anything these days?  You can't just be cute and sexy?"

            Remus laughed, "Crazy…"

"Don't say that about yourself. I'm not very mature.  I don't know why you think you can come to me about all this.  You seem to have a better head," Sirius said, "I respect you.  You are a good person, and you're a lot better than you can see. And I know if I tired anything on you like that, you'd see right through it.  So I don't."

Remus rested his head.

"So whatever happens I'm just glad you're here now.  Because I'd never ever make you do anything that made you feel uncomfortable or dirty or evil."

"Sirius. You really mean it?"

"No. Of course not.  If had the chance I'd shag you on the steps of a cathedral."

            "You are just trying to get into my robes, Sirius Black."

"Peh.  Come on.  I'm a red blooded youth.  And you…" Sirius felt the fingers twine on his stomach "…have very nice hands."

"Thank you Sirius."

"Let's get out of here."

Bike took off into the sunset.

  


* * *

[1] Noah Wyle

[2] or Rolanda

[3] I found this on a Harry Potter is Evil website…


	8. Chapter 8 We don't need no stinking angs...

            Lesson 11: Polaris Black is not Tommy Lee Jones.

            Polaris Black briefed all the Aurors on the Black Commission rigorously.

            "Sirius Black was seen in the Surrey area within as small a distance as 300 square meters away from the no fly zone.  In other words we have confirmation of his whereabouts."

            She pulled down a map of the greater metropolitan area, and snapped her pointer at the Surrey no fly zone. In the three block radius of Privet drive."

            "You're not serious?"

            "Could we refrain from that joke for three seconds?"  Polaris pulled out her steel point and pointed it in Amanda's face.

            "This means he is coming within the magical wards, set up so carefully by Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall.  This means we may yet get him."

            "All this work and he just appears out of nowhere."

            "Andrew Diggory has been scent to activate Madame Figg so that she might help you."  

            The Aurors couldn't believe their luck.   
            "You have your orders gentleman and ladies. I want every inch of this town swept.  I don't care if you have to ask muggles to let you into their garage.  You will find him.  If he's hiding in a pool or a tool shed or in a pumpkin pie."

            "Yes Ma'am Sargent Ma'am." The Aurors shouted.

            Polaris "He is a brilliant criminal mind.  I only hope we can match him. Sirius Black is a dangerous and sophisticated criminal who will evade capture at all costs.."

***************

            He looked up from his food, took a swig out of his bottle of lager.

            "Here's to you buddy.  My new com-compatriot and boon companion.  I donnknow why why you are doing this for me," He slurred, "Truly the milk of kindness is in your soul."  

            Sirius took a long swig of the lager, tipping his head past his back.         

            "Yeah that's it.  My god I didn know…  He has good beer for muggle. What might I ask is your name my fine feathered friend?"

            Bark.

            "Thas a good good name."

            Sirius Black returned to the high grade kibble he was afforded smashing his face into the bowl.

            "I'm so bloody hungry man.  This is better than rats."

            The small Jack Russell terrier looked questioningly at the man eating his food.

            "You are truly a good spirit, to take… me in…" Sirius said between chomps "I am the scum of the universe."

            The dog stood up and barked.

            "So, Did I ever tell you about my dad?  He was a good man.  A lil man but a good one.  I wanna be a good dad."

            He hugged the dog, "But I am a deadbeat dad.  My dad would never leave…me.  Even if Mom was a blooooke"

            He used the poor thing like a kerchief "He'd say Ellen.  I love you.  I'm sooooo happy.  He would have never left Mom flat I tell you that."

            Sirius felt his stomach lurch.  He put Bosco down.

            "I think I'm going t'stick my head on the outside of your house, so I won't be sick inside of it.  Excuse me."

            Bosco stood up letting his guest use the outdoor facilities.

            "I can believe I even fit in here."

            The dog cocked his head trying to listen to the man's ravings.

***

            Berney Catcher was washing his aluminum siding outside with a long rubber house.

            He saw his wives little jumpy dog come out of his door flap towards his dog house

            Berney wandered back inside his house.

"Darla.  What is your dog doing with all my lager in his house?"  Berney asked his wife thoughtfully.  She was wiping the dishes and watching 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' on the 6 inch telly in the kitchen.

            "What would Bosco do with your lager? Maybe you drank it?"

            "Honey he's carrying it outside in his little mouth.  I'm watching him now."

            "Don't make up stories." The wife threw her towel at him.

            "I'm not.  This is the third time he's done it.  I've been watching him for an hour."

            "Just cause you drink it up so fast… Berney." Darla grumbled.

***

            In the doghouse, Bosco dropped the bottle at Sirius's feet.

            "Remus… Remus.  Wow.  Did I tell you about Remus?  Why I had to leave him?"

            The dog sat down as if he expected a story.

            "Mmmm.  Yep got that smell that just drives you wild.  I didn't know it could happen.  Ahhh he's a werewolf, and I'm just a puppy, a worthless useless excuse of a wizard. Half dog. Half human.  Halfblood All bastard…."

            Sirius licked beer off his lips.

            "It all began in March. Remus's condo in London."

***

            Sirius was on the couch in his bathrobe.

            He had turned it onto another channel with the remote.  It was the one with the stupid cat.  Stupid cats were great.  For some reason he became more endeared of the animation form ever since he became an animagus.  He could never fully appreciated the art form and the humor had escaped him before. But seeing a cat smashed by a waffle iron and covered in dynamite pleased him in an unspeakable way.

            "That mouse."

            Sirius heard the door open.

            Thin white fingers clawed into his hair. 

            "Hello baby." Remus said mussing his hair.

            "You're back."

            "Look dinner is in the oven.  Just get out the eggs and ketchup you got out of the store."

            "You made dinner?"

            "Well someone had too.  Did you get a dozen eggs or eighteen?  What did I put on the list? I thought you were getting marmalade or chocolate syrup, eggs. Ketchup…"

            "We have ketchup."   Remus began working his hand down Sirius's shirt.

            Remus had forgotten it again.  He had ever pinned a list to his sleeve.

            "Well where is the groceries Remus?"

            "I was just feeling lonesome at the store.  I missed you."

            "At the store.  Ten minutes ago."  Sirius looked up at Remus's lust crazed face.

            "Uh huh." Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius's back.  Remus embraced him.

            "Well if dinner's all made … then we can…"

            "You're insatiable." Sirius stared at him in a kind of awe and respect.  They had just spent all last night doing this, and he was ready to go again.

            "Good for me." Remus snapped his teeth, nipping at Sirius.

            Sirius protested softly.  He lied out on the couch "Go ahead have your way with me.  If that's all I am to you."

            Remus frowned.  "Don't be mean Sirius.  You don't want to make love to me."

            "Well."

            "It's that time of year…  I am in season.  Where my sexuality is reaching a high peak, and you are my mate."

            "Oh lucky me."

            "You aren't tired, baby?  I could always go entertain myself. I've done as much before…"  Remus stroked his belly.

            "Remus." Remus blushed.

            "I'm very resourceful.  I bet there are things I could do with a stalk of broccoli that you would make your brain collapse and eat itself."

            Sirius yelped "We… don't…. have… um... any of… those."

            Remus kissed him.

            Sirius accepted his kisses.

            "You say this will happen every year?"

            "Yes." Remus eyed him like a flank steak.

            "I could get used to this," Sirius said, grabbing him.

            He kissed Remus, "Now. Let me turn off TV…"

            Remus threw the remote behind the couch and he slammed Sirius against the couch.

            "Leave that bloody thing on.

***

            "Did I mention that my Remus is double jointed?"

            Bosco yawned.

            Sirius looked at his beer that was empty.  He shook it

            "Did I also mention that Remus can put his entire fist in his mouth?  My entire fist in his mouth?"

            Bosco laid his head against the ground and put a paw over his eyes.

            "Well anyway, Remus gets a little enthusiastic."

***

            They fell off the couch.

            THUD.

Remus straddled him and he thrust up into him with his hips.

            "Oh Goooooooooood…. I want to have your baby…"

***

            Sirius finally set the beer down.

            "If I would have stayed conscious for much longer I might have responded with more questions.  Now, Remus is always saying something, usually something I can't understand, 'Oh Padfoot, give it to me…' 'I am so hungry.' or certain verbs with four letters and certain appellations.   He'd used the word Baby before.  But the 'oh Baby harder' kind of baby."

            "Remus seems strangely fine, he lets me pass out.  Without one slight to my virility or stamina.  He can be quite catty you realize when he is in peak season.  He has awesome recovery time.  This time he actually let me sleep."

            "So next morning we proceeded to do business as usual."

***

            Remus made pancakes and placed crumpets in the toaster

            "Breakfast."

            "How you doing?"

            "I feel very good.  Very, Very, Very laid," Remus said

            "You got dressed," Sirius pointed.

            "This morning, when you dead and twitching."

            "Twitch? Never." Sirius shook his head.

            "You did and you were mumbling about quasars." Remus grinned.

            "You forgot to turn off the TV."

            "hmmm"

            "The shows were over for almost a day."

            "I'll turn it off next time.

            Sirius pulled Remus to his lap.

            "I'm almost sorry your season is ending."

            "Oh, you've been so good." Remus kissed his neck.

            "If we would have a baby."

            "Oh yes, little baby would be pretty.  Little golden eyes and dark black hair." Sirius said lightly.  "Course we'd have to explain a few things."

            "All the Lupins have blue eyes though.  I don't know if she will have them." Remus said. "Yeah.  You've got sisters don't you?"

            "Yeah?"

            "When we would have a baby, it might be a girl."

            "Yeah?"

            "Yes a little girl…"   Remus hugged himself.

            "Remus you okay."

            "When we have a baby I-"

            "Remus this is a question of what if, not when.  I can't really get you pregnant."

            "Well…" Remus lowered his gave demurely.

            "Oh don't get cute on me, Lupin.  This is case of what bleeding _if_."

            "Sirius…. My love."

            "Oh no." He retracted his hands.  "You never call me my love unless you want something. No one ever uses that word unless they have some heavy emotional blackmail coming up."

            "I think something wonderful happened last night."

            "Well yeah.  I am a stud…"  Sirius grinned and scratched the back of his head.

            "That was more than anything.  You really, I'm surprised I didn't pass out.  It was so fierce and passionate, and yet loving and tender…  I don't think that was normal."

            "It was fabulous.  I agree.  I haven't ever been able to do that kind of stuff with anyone else.  I don't think I ever want to make love to another person again." Sirius said.

            "I know you're going to leave.  I just wanted to…" Remus embraced him "Sirius, I think you did something to me."

            "Oh yeah. Course I did." Sirius grinned. "Three times."

            "I can't make you stay. I just feel so different inside.  We're not just friends anymore.  We really are mates.  And I don't want you to go."

            Sirius cradled Remus for a second

            "You said that you would let me go.  You wouldn't let me take up the slack.  You wouldn't die for me.  I'm sorry.  But I have to protect you if I love you."

            "I lied….  Sirius, I lied.  I'm a vicious liar." Remus wiped his crying face against him. "I think you did something to be… My heart won't stay still.  It's like it has two beats."

            "Remus have you been drinking…  I thought that was my job." Sirius sniffed and tipped his head to one side, regarding Remus with a confused expression.

            "I think… I think… Sirius…"

            "Now Mooney, you aren't saying…"

            "Sirius."

            "You are tired.  You don't want me to leave.  You're talking crazy."

            "Sirius, please just listen to it.  Listen to my heart.  It's like…"

            "I think I'm going to…."

***

            Sirius rested on his elbow. 

            "I thought to myself, thought Maybe he's straight and didn't tell me… but considering last night… Maybe's he's bi.  This is what I had hoped.  So I decided to pack a bag and storm out. Be big and dramatic so Remus would want to dump me."

***

            Remus blocked himself in front of the door.

            "Put your clothes back in the drawer.

            Sirius covered his mouth, "I can't stay here, Moony.  It's not good.  I can't torture you and bother you like this."

            "Sirius."

            "I have…  I better get lost.  The Aurors will have my trail any minute."

            "Sirius, don't go.  I need you to listen. Listen to the two heartbeats.  She's-"

            "She? What she?  Now I'm beginning to hope you're just straight and didn't tell me."

            "You can feel my heart." Remus grabbed his hand.

            "No two heart beats as one.  No no.  No beating of the hearts two as one.  I got to go get some air."     

            Sirius squirmed past Remus.  Out the door down the stairs and onto the street.

            "I knew it couldn't bloody last…  I knew you'd find someone else….  Fine go ahead.  Thanks for the shelter."  Sirius said not even looking over his shoulder.

            "There is no one else.  Now there's only her. Now   You and Me and her and"

            Sirius slammed the door.

            Remus ran out of the apartment onto the balcony.  Clenching his fists around the railing and shouting so the whole neighborhood could hear.

            "Goddamn you, low class Cockney Halfblood mongrel bastard!  You can't leave me. I'm going to have your baby."

            And at this Sirius Black began running faster then he ever had in his entire life.

***

            Berney had actually waited watching the fridge until Bosco came back. "Why is the dog bringing out my beer to his house?" Berney grumbled "Lousy Jacky.  All he does is steal and run around like a moron…  Trying to eat the squirrels on the bird feeder."  
            Berney followed his dog outside to his house.

            Bosco placed down the beer.    Then Berney heard a voice from within.  Could the dog be doing that?

            "You took a long time, Bosco."   A man blubbered. "I have to tell you about my mummy.  I miss my Mummy!"

            The dog barked 

            "I don't talk about your mum."

            The dog barked again.

            "No he is not a tart!  You take that back. You're taking it all out of context. Remus is not a-"

            The dog continued barking.

            "He's not a-  wait.  Well maybe you're right there…"

            The dog growled and yipped.    

            "You know Bosco old buddy you… certainly got a mouf on you when you drink."  The man said "I'll take for granted ya drank too much, you soddin jacky."

            Berney looked at the man.  He was hanging upside down. With beer bottle hanging out of his mouth.      

            This man was talking to a dog.

            "Um Are you drunk sir?"

            The Man pulled himself out of the dog house.

            "I came in 'ere drunk and I'm goin to leave 'ere drunk." Sirius said.  "You got a problem with that, mate?"

            "Uh…"

            "I'll be on my way soon enough.  I drink any more lager me brain is goin to shut… down.  But Bosco's been knockin them back, eh jacky?"

            The dog barked with a slur.

            "Honey."  The man said running inside to get his wife.

            Sirius rested on the side of the dog house drinking his beer.

            "I love muggle Surrey."

**

            "A crazy old bum is in our dog house.  He's the one stealing the beer."

            "Well then call the police Berney.  I love to here you half hour tirade about how a dog is stealing your lager."

            "Now we don't need to do that. He's completely bonkers.  He's talking to our dog. "Of course Berney didn't want admit to her that the dog seems to have started it and seemed to be talking to him as well. "I'll give him some change.  Maybe he'll go away."

            Berney stuck his head in the Dog house.  The grimy man returned.

            "He returns anon." Sirius mumbled. "Whence did thou come stranger?"

            "Could you please.. not be here?  You look… horrible?  Why don't you go to the shelter or something?"

            "Nope, they'll find me there.  So-"

            "What if they find you in my dog house? Because I believe they exist too. I don't want no one to get hurt. Live and let live.  Here I got a few pounds why don't you just go find someplace else to sleep."

            "But I like this place.  It's one of the American jobs.  All plastic.  Much nicer than a forest glade.  I-"

            "Look please.  It's rather obvious.  If I were looking for a bloke I'd pay attention is a guy was sleeping in a dog house."

            "Alright.  I wouldn't want no drunken sod in me 'ouse either.  You're a good man… man.  What's your name?"

            "Berney Catcher."

            "If you will excuse me.  I have to go see a man about a horse."

            The man looked around, pulled a leather pouch out of his pocket.

            He placed a bag of sickles in the man's hand.

            The coins jangle. They were solid silver.  Berney yelped.

            Berney ran into the house.

            "Honey, Darla, look it's-"

            "For god sakes, Berney, it's just a bloody beer.  Now shut up. I'm trying to watch this.  She's up to 125,000 dollars."

            Bosco walked in staggering drunkenly he fell over.

            "Well Bosco, I guess she doesn't want to see my treasure..."

***

Lesson 12:  The people we are mean to are the most like us.

            Remus Lupin stood at the head of the class.

            "The best defense if you should come upon an invisible phantom is to eject a stream of powder or in this case a fine steam so that the light rays bounce off of him.  This is an ineffective strategy should your opponent be non corporeal, but it will work well on Unicorns Wraith and Phantoms of the non-ghost persuasion.

            Neville was invisible.

            "Neville has an invisibility spell upon him.  So he does have mass."

            "Yeah little butterball has a lot of mass." Draco said "Must weight 300 pounds."

            "Malfoy."

            Draco got swatted on the back of the head.

            "I knew that was you Longbottom.  Come here and fight me."

            Neville laughed.  "This is so awesome."

            "Well now it's time for me to show the class where you are. You must enunciate the spell.  Nebulosa Incantate."

            They waved their wands.

            Thick jets of steam ejected from their wands.  Soon a hazy human like shape appeared.

            Remus pointed his wand "Nebulosa Incantate!"

            And at this a huge torrent of rain fell upon them.  In every corner of the classroom was wet.  All over the classroom.

            The students were drenched from their robes to their skins 

            "Uggggh."

            "What on Earth?"  Remus cried.  "Class are you alright."

            Neville complained from an unseen region "Professor Lupin.  I got milk in my hair."

            Harry shouted "I can't see.  Oh god…. Something is on my glasses."

            "This is milk." Hermione wiped out her eyes.

            "What?" Ron said.

            "Milk is Lactase Intolerato!"

            A big steel milk can fell from the sky as soon as Remus mentioned the words.

            Remus looked at his wand, shook it.  He muttered spells to himself.

            "Accio Notebook."

            A half gallon jug of milk appeared.

            "Expecto Patronum."

            A glass of milk appeared.

            "Mr. Potter may I be so kind as to borrow your wand."

            "I can't see." Harry moaned trying to wipe off his glasses with his milk soaked robes.

            Remus took Ron's wand out of his hand. "Winguardia Levosa?"

            A cow fell out of the sky on the other side of Draco Malfoy.

            "Dwahh!"  The Slytherin held his heart.

            "I think I should dismiss class now."

            Harry still was trying to clean his glasses. 

            "Does anyone have any old newspapers and ammonia?"

            "Draco… you can go."

            Draco only shivered in his seat as the cow mooed. 

            Hagrid arrived with a box of potatoes and half of a lime, in little sections like oranges for Remus's snack "Dang Nabbit.  What did you do here Remus?  I heard a crash from upstairs."

            Draco looked up "Cow… McGon...mugga mugga."

            "Oh.  Well that's expected.  Your pups outta be coming soon."

            "It's in Lowry-Berrington's Lives of Werewolves. Page 324."

            Remus wrung the milk out of his robes, picked up the book.

            "Oh really funny.  This is a book on Dog breeding.  You scamp."  Remus frowned. 

            "Well you could have gotten it on someone's spectacles."

            "Why is all of Remus's magic producing milk?"

            "Oh my god.  He's really convinced himself he's pregnant.  He's to the milk stage." Snape looked all around shaking his head.   He tried not to do anything so gauche as laugh until he had to leave the room.

            McGonagall cleared her throat and straightened her glasses.

"In the last stages of pregnancy the bitch will produce large quantities of milk."

            Everyone began sniggering.

            "I'm not that bad.  Snape, would you please finish my lesson.

            "Mr. Snape.  Do you have any toxic chemicals, which I could clean my glasses with?

            "Just…Snape cover my classes.  I have to go turn my mattress.  I can't think of anything else to do."

***

            Remus paced about in his room.  He'd locked the door a few times already.

            "Someone's in here?"

            "No deary." The Fisherwoman said "You're being paranoid."

            "I just keep on feeling like I'm being watched…  I've got to find some place to be quiet.  Safe.  Where no one will know where I am."

            "No one is in here." The Fisherwoman said.  "Now sit down and drink some tea."

            "I know just the place.  Don't tell anyone where I left.  Sne dHagrid down when he gets here with my pizza?"

            Hagrid knocked on his door.

            "Remus your pizza.  Just like you wanted. Pineapple ham peppers.  And a bottle of butterscotch topping."  Hagrid pursed his lips trying not to sound disgusted.

            "I couldn't find a can of whip cream so I got a tub of it."  Hagrid tried not to become sick.

            "Where is Remus?"

***

            Snape stood at the head of his seventh year Sound Glamours class.

            "No to make to make the Talent Glamour.  You must pay close attention.  You must and I repeat must be precise in all of your procedures so as to fend off the most disasterous of explosions."

            "Pizza."

            If there was something that could drive Snape into a rage it was the thought that one of his students would ever be so callous so low minded so thoughtless as to interrupt his class for personal business.  He could tolerate a person going to the bathroom or raising there hand to ask inane questions.  But there were some things he would not tolerate.  There had been an oral legend that once he threw a student out a window for bringing a walk mage.  Of course he had only thrown the device and sent the student into a year of detention.  There was also the rumor that he had eaten a cellphone that went off during one of his lectures at one of his lectures at the Symposium of  Alchemical Studies.  How they found out about it at Hogwarts he would never know.  But he hadn't swallowed the bloody thing.  Just crushed it with his teeth.

            Snape yanked the pizza from Hagrid's hands.  The giant ran away

            "He's going to eat the pizza!"

            "PIZZA?"

            The class began trembling… clutching each other.  Starinbg with catatonic eyes.  Hoping it would be swift. 

            "There will be no Pizza in my classroom."

            Severus began hitting the pizza over the desk, smashing the box with his fist/

  Who ordered this wheel of cardboard and wax?"

            He through it on the floor and jumped up and down on it."

            He finally bwegan to stop stomping it.  He caught his breath. He lifted one finger. I demand to know what fool thought that this would be alright to order a pizza in my class?"

            The students gasped.

            "Ooh goody it's here."

            From behind the safety shower, popped out Remus Lupin's head.

            "I'm sorry did I interrupt you."

            "Ye-ee----he—e- s."  Snape said holding up his hands like claws.

            "Well I wanted to sit in on your class. But I got hungry.  So I asked Hagrid to bring down my lunch."

            "Whaaaaat?"  His fingers were still contorted into a throttling shape.

            "I didn't think I would upset you.  Oh I have."

            "Professor Snape.  He put butterscotch on his pizza." George whinced.

            "I'm willing to share. "  He slapped a glop of whip cream on the slice.  I couldn't possibly finish it.

            Lee Jordan ran to the lavoratory turning bright green.

            The students began gagging.

            Snape began changing colors himself

            "That is it.  I can tolerate no more."

            He zapped the Pinaple and Butterscotch pizza and stormed out of his own class.

***

            All the teachers heard someone thundering down the hall.  They peeped out of their classrooms.  To see a black cape and fierce look on his face.

            He slammed open the doors of McGonagall's office.

            McGonagall was frozen in her seat as she saw the infuriated Potionsmaster stomping into her office.  All the other teachers were coming into her office from the hall to see what had happened, and possibly how to protect the students from it."

            "Professor Snape. Are you well?  Your eyes are…  um… Hi." McGonagall stammered.

            "He ordered a pizza in my classroom." He hissed through his teeth .  His fists were red.  A huge vein had started throbbing in his forehead.  His jaw set in a fearsome leer.

            McGonagall tried patting him on the shoulder.  She cringed.  She was surprised he didn't bite her.

            "Well… Severus is the person who ordered the pizza still alive?"

            "Remus LUPIN!  I want him out of my classroom."

            "Oh… well."

            "Get him out of my classroom."  Severus growled in her face.

            Flitwick and Sprout began huddling together. Even Hagrid gulped.

            "Buck up mates, at least Snape didn't kill him." Hooch said "Eh, maties?"

***

            Minerva knocked lightly on the door to the classroom.   

            "Yes.  Remus. Are you alright in there?"

            "I'm hungry.  Snape killed my pizza."

            "Remus!"

            "Go away.  You just want to hurt me."

            "Pet this is a classroom." McGonagall said "Professor Snape's classroom.  He feels put out."

            "But…."

            "Oh Remus.  How are they going to have potions class if you lock yourself in the room?"

            "He could cancel class."  Ron said exstatically.  
            "We're getting that werewolf out of here."

            "You can't upset him.  He could do something stupid?"

            "Stupid.  He ordered a pizza in my class.  He's barricaded himself in there. He's gone beyond doing anything stupid."

            Snape closed his eyes, "But I've got to calm down.  I'm in a moonlit meadow.  The crickets are chirping in the summer heat, the frogs are croaking singing love songs to each other. A lithe silver cat hunts cicadas and moonbeams.  In the distance the rustle of deer feet from behind the pine tree.  And the flash of a hares tails.  All is peace all is calm… All is right in the world.  I'm in the happy place."  Severus rubbed his aching head.

            "What are you doing?"

            "I learned this in Anger management class, so I would stop punching people in the face and busting furniture over their heads." Snape said.

            "And it works?" Minerva snorted.

            Caius the raven popped out of the woodwork. "Cricket Cricket.  Moon lit meadow. Cricket"

            "Why must you mock me?"  Snape tried to shoo away his bird.

            "Oh my god it seems to have worked." Minerva realized as Snape's breathing became softer.

            "Now we need a plan."

            "Well now at Least I can tear his stupid teddy bear into small bits.  Caius would you like a chew toy?"

            Caius flapped his wings loudly –"Kam'ron –R-AAA-AT!"

            Remus poked his head out. "What?  How di you get my--"

            Severus grabbed him by the arm and judo flipped him out of the class room.

            "Students quickly now."  The fourth years began running inside.  Remus groaned.

            "See ya Latah. Suckah" Caius shouted.

            Remus made an indignant shriek. As he made a dash for the door.

            Snape slammed the door in his face.

            "Let me in."

            "No." Snape said.  "And I'm letting Caius play with your teddy bear."

            "He's a collectors item.  You can't do this to him."Remus pounded on the door.

            Snape let the pounding continue.

            "You can't keep me out forever! I need some place to hide." Remus pounded on the door.

            Inside the classroom the class waited for Snape.  Snape clutched his forehead muttering about a mountain brook in the moonlight.  The fourth years all stood very still.  Harry, Hermione and Ron listened at the door.  Inivisible Neville Longbottom began to gaps in anticipation.  Draco bit his nails.

            "He appears to be gone." Snape said.  The class began to breath.

            "Goyle, would you please make sure that Professor Lupin doesn't break into my classroom and try to build a next again?"

            "OOooh Would it be extra credit?" Hermione said "Cause I'd be happy to do it.  Is it, Professor Snape?"

            Snape walked over to the wall "I'm in a moonlit mountain meadow I'm in the happy place…."

He looked up.

            "Yes.  Why not?"Snape rubbed his temples. "Hermione, you are in charge of keeping the pregnant werewolf out of my laboratory.  I'll see what I can do."

            ***

            Hermione did a great job during the day, it did mean the Weasel and Potter were there with her in his classroom, and he had no excuse to take off any Points for Potter.  But he could always hope.  And if one infusion of Cheerful Gryffindor teacher ruined his mood and classroom what could three Gryffindors do?

            When they went up for Dinner, Lupin snuck in.  

            The wolf crept on light padded feet and locked the door behind him.  Then he barricaded it with a desk an a grade three cauldron.

            Snape knew it was too late when he heard Harry Poter whining.  It was almost too precious. Lupin locked the door on his precious Potter.

            "Professor Lupin you can't have your puppies in there." Harry said

            "Snape will be mean to them." Ron said.

            "Their growth will get all stunted from the chemicals." Hermione looked up from her Werewolf book.

            "It's the safest place it the schools."

            "But Snape will be mean to the puppies."  Ron said.  

            "Bloody heaven Weasely. I'm not going be mean to Lupin's imaginary children."

            "They might start taking after him." Ron whispered to Harry.  "I once read a book where and elephant sat on a nest and it turned into a baby Elephant."

            "Ron, that was 'Horton Hears A Who!'  That can't happen." Harry said.

            "15 points from Gryffindor. For volume control mostly." Snape grumbled "Now get out of here."

            "Wow.  I didn't think he'd be that kind." Hermione said "We must have done a good job."

            Snape sighed. "You tried as hard as a Gryffindor may when they are trying to mess up their precious little friends.  I'll give 30 thousand points to whoever helps me cover up the murder."

            "Professor-"

            "I was kidding, Potter.  Get a sense of humour. Lets see.  Minus 15 points for each of you plus 5 more for Potter. That's 50 points for the lot of you."

            "Only 50 points off.  We must be improving."  Hermione whispered to the others as they went up to Gryffindor Tower.

            Snape levitated the cauldron out of the war and walked into the classroom. He finally managed to open his door. Snape looked at Lupin. Lupin was sleeping and drooling on a desk.  The poor thing was run ragged.  He'd be really easy to throw out now.  Of course he wuld come back once he got rested.  It looked like he was puppy sitting again.  Perhaps if he was drugged.

            "You are sleeping here now?"

            "It's safe here.  I could just…." Remus rubbed his face "I need some place to hide."

            Snape looked at Lupin haggered and black eyed.  Was he going to knock him unconscious and drag him out?  He'd work on the first part.

            "Well you could come into my parlor for some tea, Professor Lupin?"

            "Tea?" Lupin lifted his head.

            "Tea."

            "Tea?"

            "Little cups of hot water infused with herbs.  A little cream.  Small cookies. Tea. Don't be so damn dense.  I make tea.  I do excellent tea.  And I don't entertain except in extreme circumstances.  So I suggest you follow me and get something in your stomach."

            Remus stood up

            "I would like a spot of tea.  I feel tired."

            "Come on 'Mummy.'  I can even make it herbal.  No caffeine.  Wouldn't want to hurt little 'baby.'"

            "Because you're not throwing me out…" Remus struggled pathetically.  He was getting quite sick.

            "I've practically been commanded by the Ministry of Magic not to upset you."

            "You're just like him."

            Snape put him on his couch. "Well that's good to know…" He nodded dumbly.

            "You don't know who I'm talking about." Remus frowned.

            "And I don't care, too. What a coincidence!  I think I have some Ginger snaps?"

            Remus was plunked on the parlor couch.

            "Wait right here."

            Snape produced a tray of black cookies with green frosting in the shape of Satanic ritual signs.

            Remus grabbed one.  They looked so dark.  This one was in the shape of shape of a Sephiroth and a tree of life.  He pushed it aside. Perhaps later.

            "He said that.  He said. It's in your head, Remus.  You're just making it up. You just want attention." Remus wept.  "I don't want this to happen."

            "I know you're making it up.  So we don't have to discuss it."  Snape patted him on the head.  "Now don't vomit on my couch."

            He grabbed a goats head symbol.  "Try them."

            Remus took a bite.  He became weak in the knees.  It was utterly fabulous.  He'd never had fresh ginger snaps.

            "That's a ginger snap?  You should call them Ginger Snapes…"

            Snape ignored the joke.  He'd only heard it oh a few thousand times."It's the molasses actually.  It adds a darker texture to the ginger flavor.  The frostings a simple butter cream but it's fabulous to decorate with.  Course had I been informed earlier I might have bothered with my white chocolate frosting."

            Remus grabbed another cookie.

            "You just couldn't understand.  You've never been in love like this.  Your ambition in life is to give students D's on papers.  I'm a little warmer than that." Remus said, "I am a man of passions and desires."

            "And neuroses," Snape said, sipping his tea.

            "I just have to wait for Sirius to come back." Remus said rolling his head about, weary of life.

            "Oh yes.  When your baby comes. Certainly. I'll bet you'll make the picture of domestic tranquility.  Murderer father, Werewolf man mother, and any Dementors that happen to want to bop off your husband."

            "I don't know what I'll do if Sirius leaves me." Remus wept into his cashmere pillow.  

            Snape pulled it away and moved in closer "There ther."  He poked him with his finger.  Remus turned. Snape gave him a cheap cotton pillow. "Don't cry then.  I'm sure he'll come back if he doesn't die or have his soul taken away.  After all it's not like anyone is stupid enough to date him."

            "I need Sirius. What will I do?"  Remus tried desperately to grab Snape.  The Potionsmaster stood up quickly.  He almost had been hugged.

            "You can always give them up for Adoption.  Put an add in the Daily Prophet. Puppies: Free to a good home, Parentage: Questionable."

            "You're an awful man." Remus through the cheap pillow at Snape.

            "So I have been told.  I have to keep myself occupied in some fashion…" He muttered into his tea cup… "Until it starts to work."

            Remus looked up with heavy eyes, "What workssss?

             "Right, the potion ought to kick in right about now."

            "Me…" Remus zonked on the couch.  The snore was deafening.

            "Hmmm.  No sleeping in my class. You're going to stay here in the parlor."

            This was a much gentler sleeping spell.  He could always pop him some Draught of Living Death, but it seemed like it would ruin the tea, when Shimmer Sleep would do.  Besides, he didn't want him howling and whimpering about a headache.  Snape was sure that nothing could be worse then a male pregnant werewolf with a nasty hangover from sleeping drugs.

            He picked up Remus and laid him out so he could rest comfortably. My word even after all the attention and all the meals lavished the werewolf, he still could pick him up.  He was a wretched little waif.  No wonder the paintings planned to tar and feather the bloke who did this to him.

            The wet gargling of Remus's large nose was softened when he laid on his side.

***

            Auror Lukas and Auror Grieves sat on the park Bench of Kensington Gardens.  Hopefully none of their colleagues would hear their planning here.  They didn't want to get anyone's hopes up.  The second they knew a werewolf was involved they would call the Magical Creatures Division, and Lupin would be in danger.  They couldn't depend on anyone not overreacting.  After all, Polaris Black was on the war path.

            Fen threw bread into the duck pond."

            "Remus said the father of his baby is Sirius Black."

            "You mean the Ivory tower of Hogwarts is besmirched?  You're saying that they know something about Black at Hogwarts."

            "I gave that guy meat off my own plate.  He was banging a killer."

            "Fen, what is up?"

            "Remus and him were buds in school. Do you think that…"

            "Why don't we just go ask the others in that group?"

            "Harry Potter,  Halloween 1981, Lukas…"  
            "Oh. Right."  
            "What about this guy?"

            "You don't understand.  That was the wizard he killed. Peter Pettigrew got the First Order of Merlin."

            "I can't believe a skinny little dork like Lupin would be involved."

            "It was 1981 Halloween.  It happened after The Potter incident.  It was as fair and foul a day as there ever was.  The nail in their own coffin."

            "So you're going to read into this.  You think that Remus is hiding him."

            "I haven't pulled myself out of the gutter by bad instincts.  Remus is not for the Dark. He certainly wouldn't have told us who Black is."

            "Then why is he with Sirius Black?"

            "He could have fallen with the wrong crowd.  They were buddies at Hogwarts, and if Remus Lupin is right… they are mates."

            "This is the kind of thing that happens when you think with what's between your pants."

            "Let's go out to Hogwarts tonight then.  Talk to Remus. Check on Potter."

****

            Harry Potter arrived at dinner, with his two friends on his arms. when Albus Dumbledore approached him.

            "There you are Harry.  I tried everything to stop them."

            "What's going on Headmaster Dumbldore?"

            "Dementors?"

            "Voldemort."

            There was nothing I could do.  But I've come to warn you." Dumbledore looked over his shoulder."Harry Something has happened."

            "What is it?  Is it Lupin?  I would have felt if it were Voldemort."

            "No Harry don't open that door." Dumbledore cried out.          

            Harry walked into the dining hall.

            All of sudden he was pounced upon by tall Hufflepuffs with moustaches and press passes underneath their robes.  Bulb flashes left him blind and grasping.  He wished he had gotten the milk off his glasses.  The scratching of quick quote quills.

            "Oh I have failed." Dumbledor clutched his head.

            "Mr. Potter, The Magus.  How are you coping with the return of Sirius Black to England?"

            "You aren't Hufflepuffs." Harry hissed.

            "Reporters are forbidden in this part of the school.  Please.  I will not turn this event into a circus." Dumbledore said, "Kindly wait outside the castle gates.

            "They were pretending to be students. You people are insane.  I don't wan to talk to anyone."

            "Is it true that he is your own Godfather…"  The Salem Scryer witch was pushed away.

            "I know Harry.  But I'm afraid the cat is out of the bag.  Sirius Black is returned and the Aurors are on his trail." Dumbeldore said.

            "What can we do?"

            "Nothing I fear…  What's worse I think that Minister Fudge will exploit this situation to further his public image.  If he should send one dementor onto school grounds…"

            "That won't be necessary."  Two big burly wizards appeared.  "We've been sent by Minister Fudge to protect young Mr. Potter.  He knows that you didn't fancy any of them dementors.  But it's the least he could do.  His private bodyguards."

            "You mean I have to be guarded from my own godfather.  I don't think so."

            "Well it's the Minister's orders.  We're ordered to take you to the safety of your room."

            "But I haven't even washed my glasses yet.  I'm hungry."

            "Misiter Fudge's orders."

            "Master Dumbledore."  Harry shouted as on of the Hitwizards slung him over his shoulder.

***

            Snape and Hagrid had gotten into Remus's quarters and Hagrid was content to carry him.  Hagrid had decided it be best if someone watch him sleep.  He'd already made it through most of the night when Hagrid knocked on SNape's door.

            "Well I'll be heading to bed myself.  Ye gonna stay here to make sure Lupin's all right."

            "It's not the strongest one.  He'll be up in the morning.  Bounding back to my classroom."

            "I think he trusts you to want to have his puppies in your class.  I wish he liked me that much.  I only do all the hard work.  Not even a bloody thank you."

            "Ooh maybe he'll make you Godfather instead of Voldemort."

            "Now I have to work on his snack.  Fish heads and chocolate sauce."

            Snape began to look around the chambers.

            "You should go.  Go on."  The Fisherwoman shooed him away.

            He saw a strange copper bowl.

            He had seen only one like it at Hogwarts.

            This was a pensieve.  A copper pensieve.          

            Snape touched on the edges of the pensieve, saw everything so horrendously clear.  He was in a dark room.  A stone room.

A mother and a father.  His pie faced sweet mother with black hair, petting his head and kissing him on the cheek and on his wrists.  There was pain in her face, despite the gentle smile. Remus looked up at her.

Then the manacles.

"Mummy what are these?"

"This won't hurt. You're a big boy now.  Can't leave you locked in the room. You might break out. "

"They probably will hold you in."  Father said, giving his son a buss on the top of his head. 

"Remus."  The manacles clanked against his wrist.  "You be a good boy.  I love you."

"Mummy what are you doing?"

She moved away.

"Remus.  I'm going to go now.  I have dishes and…"

"Where are you going Mummy?"

"You be good."  The father turned away.

"Don't leave me Mummy.  Please. Give me someone to talk too. It's so boring. Can't we play chess or something."

"I'll be right here outside the door if you need anything.  You just-"

"But Mummy please. Come on.  It won't hurt you."

"Remus.  I will be right out here."

"Mummy, Stay…."

Remus grabbed her skirt and pulled her over, "Why don't you stay a bit…"  Mummy ran out and slammed the door.

The door shut.  Remus could see in the dark.

            Snape let go immediately.  The closet was coming back.  The cool the dark the small he shook himself off.  The feeling of his own's fathers hand on his collar, shoving him in.  Bruises were undignified, scars unfit for a son of Snape.  Father was proud he would never stoop to hitting a child, as his own father had. Caligula Tiberius Snape could stoop much much lower.

            Snape was frozen watching inside of Remus's head this time.

            He could have never imagined what it was like, except watching it.  The blissful darkness closed in.

            The time shifted. Remus, maybe ten years ago.  The manacles were twice as thick, connected to an iron chain and on his feet as well.

            A little old lady, grayer in hair, stood there with a nice tray of biscuits and tea.

            "Remus.  Please stay here.  We can take care of you. We've always have.  You just need to get back on your feet.  It can't be easy with all your… well not all.  We'll keep you here…"

            But he couldn't hear the words.  Was he inside Remus?  Had the pensieve taken inside the wolf mind.  Her words vanished just sounds and air.  A feverish haze of emotion. Hatred… Loathing/anger/lust/hunger/pain.

            Snape, the helpless watcher could do nothing.  Watch this creature rip his own mother to shreds.  More anger more anger….

            "No."

            The old lady fell down with the tray and the tea spilt against the wall.  Once again fear was in the beast mind.  He jumped back in the corner.

            She jumped back.  She fell, not as spry as she used to be.

            Remus's body jerked forward pouncing deadly. Snape, the watcher, winced.

            He stopped.  Pain Pain pain.  In his hand.  The chains.  Blessed chains.  Salvation. Rebirth. Remus screamed. He knew that scream.  He made that scream.  The scream of death, when there was no other scream to do.  The last scream.  He screamed that way when Caligula Snape died.  When Voldemort broke his soul.  He knew the scream

            The old woman cried.

            "Come closer Mummy."

            "Remus, punkin.  You're not thinking right."

            "Closer Mummy."

            "What do you think they would say if they could see you?  Peter and James are dead, but you are alive.  Now please Remus. Just calm down."

            "Get over here." Remus shouted.

            "What would your friends say?  Remus please…  Please."

            "Come closer Mummy."

            "I love you Remus.  I do."

            The old woman took up her robes and walked away.

            "Mummy please let me out.  Please.  I promise.  I won't hurt you.  I won't…HURT you, it won't hurt."

            "Don't you want to give your little son a kiss. Make it all better."

Kay Lupin buried her head in her husbands chest and closed the door.

            Remus put his hand on his shoulder.  The now Remus and the Remus in the pensieve merging and fading. 

            After that, Snape learned better to ask for another's pensieve.  Everyone has their own life, their own dirty laundary.  More of it was the same.  He could remember the own pain of his childhood cloistering, for being nothing more than noisy.  And yet Remus in lonely agony for his condition.  It could make one weep if they could have tears.  On the surface an image of Sirius Black began surfacing. Snape knew it was better to leave it alone.

            There is two ways to tell if a man has seen hell.  If he is very worried, very angry.  If his heart is cold and his eyes are blank, or he's very happy.

            "What are you doing?" Remus raised one eyebrow.

            Snape was rather breathless.

            "How long have you been using this thing.

            "Just for a minute."

            "It's ten AM."

"My word.  I wasted the night in there."

            "I'll get you a drink." Remus said retreating to his next room getting a glass and warm brandy.

            Remus sat him down.  "Take a sip."

            Snape took the glass and downed it.

            "I needed that." He coughed.

            "You like my new Pensieve?  It's rather deep.  It takes you into the mind of the user."

            Snape sighed accepted another sip and placed down the glass.

            "Now.  Lets see… Yes what are you doing?"

            "Snooping for something scandalous that'll get you fired," Snape said.

            "You should have checked my sock drawer.  I don't think casual matricide is quite what you are looking for." Remus said.  He pulled back the glass, "Oh by the way Mummy's quite fine." Remus smiled, "Sent a scrying bowl to me yesterday."

            "Well then I'll leave."

            "All right.  I was just thinking working out a problem.  I have to drain off the stronger memories first.  Or they will overwhelm me."

            Remus swirled the bowl around.

            "I think it was here.  Look."

            The thoughts dripped from his fingers. Remus looked up, smiled at Snape.  The vision with Sirius was becoming stronger. It looked like the 70's.  It became to clear for Snape.

            "Is that the Shrieking Shack?" Snape asked.

            "Yes 1975.  Fifth year when…"

            Snape scowled. "I remember ever moment of that night."

            Remus frowned and continued scrying. What was this?  What head games was the werewolf pulling? Why was Lupin toying around with such memories?  Was he rubbing it in?  They had almost killed him and Dumbledore protected them.

            No that wasn't Remus Lupin. He was probably pretending that he was sorry. Lupin was wallowing in indulgent guilt.  As if he had anything to do with it. Lupin had no idea about anything.  He was a werewolf and as helpless to control his rage as anyone.

            Snape stopped his thoughts before they became too soft.  Remus Lupin had tried to eat him.

            Snape remembered the moment in his own eyes but he was seeing it through the eyes of the wolf mind of Remus.  Human screams so indifferent.  James Potter stamping in… a haze…  It was much hazier when you weren't touching it.

            "I didn't know they made them this deep."

            "This isn't good one.  Have seen Dumbledore's? That's a good Pensieve.  This may be too powerful for me."

            "How did a Professor afford one of these things?"

            "My father worked in at Barrington's Scrying Bowls and Cisterns Factory for forty years.  He was a salariwizard. My father bought it for my birthday.  He got a decent company discount."

            Noise was radiating off the bowl.  

            "Stop it." Snape couldn't bear to hear his own screams.  Sirius Black's repugnant voice trembling "Oh hell.  Remus stop it!"

            "Don't kil me please…."

            "No I'm looking." Remus winced,  "I've been thinking very hard on that day.  Ever since he came back I have.  I wonder what evil was in us to make us do that to another person for fun."

            Remus got a genuine soft look of shame.  All were common and natural to his pointed little face.  Snape was hit with pity.  How could it be?  What was it like? To be trapped in the werewolf body to do such violence and never realize it until it was too late… No.  Snape gritted his teeth.  He could not yield.  He tried to remember his careless claws in the moonlight.

            "You're sorry you almost killed me, then?"  Snape snorted, "Well I was the one who almost got killed.  So you can feel all the guilt you want.  I hope it almost kills you."

            Snape turned on his heel snapping his cape

            Remus stared into the liquid swirling around. He didn't even look up as he asked the question. "Do you fear me?  Do you fear what I would have made you?"

            Snape paused.  He hadn't expected that.  Snape the werewolf.  That was probably the only creature in existence who could have been more pathetic and loathsome than Snape the man. 

            How close had he been to Remus that night?  How close had he come to the reluctant brotherhood of werewolves?  The forced brotherhood of Remus Lupin.  They would have been bonded forever in some ways.  He'd like to see how James Potter would have treated him then, if he was Remus's chylde.  They certainly wouldn't have pulled the infamous Armadillo incident in 7th year transfigurations class.  

            "I think you'd be better at it then I am."

            "Really fascinating." Snape lifted his head.

            Snape turned around "If you would tell no one I always wondered what kind of werewolf I would have made.  There is always something back in my head that asks what would have happened.  I guess it's just morbid curiosity."

            Remus took his hands out of the pensieve.

            "How can you forgive me?"

            "I don't, Lupin." Snape said with no bile in his voice.  How it wavered, when someone looked at him so warmly.  So kind.  He was going to get in trouble.

            "Snape, there are only so many divisions evil can make.  I will get you to forgive me.  I don't care what I must suffer.  There are debts that must be repaid."

            "And debts that cannot be repaid." Snape looked coolly at Remus, "I do not forgive."

            "Nor do you accept forgiveness I see.  When you make a true friend, nothing can break that.  I've seen your loyalty to Dumbledore, to this school.  Your loyalty is strong, you've forgiven already."

            Remus looked.

            "Friendship is dangerous I must admit.  It's intoxicating, it is love. It is.  Just as dangerous and deep.  I think if I had been in the wrong house at the wrong time, I would have turned…  No one can understand that."

            Snape had never heard such rubbish of course.  That level of kindness should only be reserved for men like Dumbledore, not simpering werewolves scrying a pensieve. Why was he so damn sweet?

            "Oh give me a break. You? You're about as fearsome as a chipmunk."

            "Werewolves are creatures of Darkest Magic.  If I had not found the friends I did….  I don't fear any blood.  You would make a good werewolf.  I would have made a deadly and terrible Deatheater."

            "You're very dear Snape.  You'd do anything for this school.  And I know if there is an attack… you will protect it with your life."

            "How do you know that?"

            "You said so didn't you, when Sirius Black showed up last year." Remus smirked.

            "Oh." Snape was silenced. "I said so?"

            "Sometimes, I feel so deeply for you. You were seduced by friendship and love into your own doom."

            "What do you know of that?"

            Remus "Because I have friends that have betrayed me. Peter betrayed us efficiently, turning to Voldemort, betraying our secret, when he became the rat. James and Lily left me without a thought. And Sirius."  
            Snape turned around.

            "For 12 years Sirius Black had betrayed me, he still betrays me.  First it was easy because I was right and he was in Azkaban.  He killed Lily and James. He killed Peter. but now… we are betrayed by fate."

            Remus looked with wise gold eyes down on the Pensieve, he placed it on the shelf.  

            "Snape I do suggest you stick to your own pensieve.  Mine is rather deep." Remus smiled.  "Thank you for the Wolfsbane."

            "Just don't break your wrist again."

            "Snape I suggest you work on your Patronus.  I have a niggling feeling in the back of my head."

Lesson 13:  Harry Potter is hardcore.

            "Okay just hold on the broom I'm not an expert."

            Auror Lukas had never even seen a magic broom before tonight.

            "This is cool."  Lukas was riding side handle in a few minutes.  Swooping and dipping on the broom.  "Hey Chief check this out."

            "Lukas chill out." Auror Grieves said.

            The young auror looked around "Yeah I was just testing it out."

            "You know if they taught broom craft up in the Conservatory... like they did at Hogwarts."  Fen muttered.

            "Yeah well I was kind of learning how to defeat evil."  Lukas said.

            Fen could ride fast, but most of the other Aurors were much swifter.  It would give him and Lukas a chance to talk to prepare to meet the Boy who lived.

            The two werewolves arrived at Hogwarts Castle.  The boy was surrounded by hit wizards.  This couldn't have been that serious. 

            "Minister Fudge sent us down here to protect Mr. Potter from Sirius Black."

            "Auror Lukas."

            "Auror Grieves."  Grieves shook his hand. 

            "Can I go now?" an exasperated thick accent floated out of the room

Harry Potter came to the door.

            "Well Mr. Potter we have some questions for you?"

            Harry was a skinny little kid, shaggy hair and green eyes.

            "Sorry I'm not feeling very talkative tonight."

            "We're here for your protection.  If Sirius Black."

            "You're chasing the wrong man.  He didn't do anything.  He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

            "You seem awful sure of that.  This guy tried to kill you." Lukas said.

            "You weren't even there.  And I don't have to incriminate myself." Potter was a hard nut.  Where had the kid gotten this much nerve?

            "He wouldn't hurt me.

            "No I don't believe it."

            "You-"

            "No.  If you really think about it makes no sense."

            "I-"      

            "Why would Sirius Black try to kill me?"  Harry Potter looked up at that.

            The Aurors paused for a second.

            "He wants vengeance. Anyone who lived through Azkaban might be slightly unstable.  He's probably gone insane."

            "Yet he's cogent enough to break out of there and develop an air tight alibi, to stalk me for a year and buy me a Firebolt 500.  Bloody unlikely.  That's unbelievable."

            "Look you are taking a big risk thinking this way."

            "Well then why do you need to talk to me?" Harry closed his mouth. "I'm not talking to anyone who wants to hurt him."

            "Harry you've got to help us.  We've got to catch Black."

            "I'm not helping you do anything to hurt Sirius."

            "Harry." Grieves tried to put on his most plaintive face.

            "Puppy dog eyes only work on adults. You're going to arrest him.  You're going to send him back to Azkaban or worse to the Dementor's kiss. I won't let you."

            "Why are you trying to defend the man who tried to kill you?"

            "It was Peter Pettigrew.  Peter Pettigrew was the Ministry Secret Keeper. Not Sirius Black.  He was only a Junior Auror. Sirius wouldn't turn to the dark, it never made any sense."

            "Well, it was a shock but lots of people turned."

            "Peter was an Iris.  He was passing information for months, he learned a lot then.  That's why he was such a good spy."

            Harry handed him a folder.

            "My friends and I have been working on it. Trying to build up our case."

            "Black was an Auror?

            "Why would he become an Auror just to get everyone, when the traitor wanted information?  Why wouldn't it be a messenger? An Iris."

            It sounded plausible.  A government informant who turned rather than a low level Auror.  Black was only an Auror Officer at the time of his arrest.

            "Hermione checked the records."

            "The only two leaks that could have been were my father and Peter.  They were the only people who even knew about the Fidelis charm.  But since my father is dead…"

            "Peter must have known before.  He would have caught wind of it." Grieves scrunched his brow.

            "What are you guys talking about? 

            "We got faxed copies from Bagshot, computer files from the MOM public records.  This stuff is as much hard evidence as we could get.  All proving that Peter was an Iris, and that Black was an Auror.  It's almost enough to put to trial."

            "Hard evidence?" This kid was 14 and thinking clearer than an Auror.

            "Mr. Grieves, Mr. Lukas.  I want you to take it.  I can't do anything with it.  I can't prove anything.  I can't get Sirius a trial.  I'm just a dumb kid.  But you- You are important, you are Aurors.  You can get something done."

            "I'll tell you everything I know.  But you must promise to look at my evidence.  You've got to."

            "I can't do that.  My duty is to bring him in." Lukas said.

            Harry looked up at them "Please, I can't…"

            Fen looked down at the boy.  He took the file.

"But I can."

            "What?"

            "I'm retired after all.  An elder statesman now." Fenrir said.

            "Harry, are you sure this is real evidence?  This file could save or destroy Sirius Black?"

            "I have copies.  It's mostly records. Anyone could have compiled them with time."

            "I'll look at it Harry."

            Harry smiled, "Thank you." The boy shook his head, "All right.  Close the door."

            The scrawny little kid sat down on his bed

            "Yes.  Remus told me that he and Sirius, well they are mates, I mean mates, mates. Not, well, mates. 

            "Like his boyfriend." Lukas cut him off "I get ya."

            "I was kind of surprised.  Okay, I kind of hyperventilated."

            Harry shook his head, "No, don't get me wrong. I mean, I love Remus. He's the coolest teacher I ever had.  He taught me how to stop Dementors.  I guess it was the thing that you know; Remus could be good for Sirius.  He needs someone.  I just never met any…"  Harry whispered the last two words, "gay people." Harry gave a bemused frown.

            Lukas rolled his eyes.  Where had this kid been raised? "I think they know they're gay." Lukas said.

            "My Uncle Vernon would say something nasty, but he doesn't like anybody, immigrants, single mothers, and magic folk. I guess that's part of it. That's really why it doesn't bother me.  Uncle Vernon doesn't even like me." 

            Harry darted up.

            "I don't know.  I just don't think it's anybody's business.  If they are happy and aren't hurting anyone, and they are in love, I mean if you can be…If that makes me gay, well I guess I am a little."

            "What rubbish is that? That doesn't make you gay," Lukas said  
            "Really?"  Harry asked hopefully.

            "I think you're mature." Lukas said.

            "I bet you think I'm weird now.  I know how muggles feel about it."

            "You don't know how every muggle thinks about it," Lukas said.

            "You can't hurt Sirius. He's the only person I have left in the world who knew my father.  He was going to adopt me.  He was."

"I don't know where Sirius is now.  That's all I can tell you.  Remus may.  I mean he saw Sirius before I did."

"You don't let a guy like that go back.  He'll die before he goes back to the Dementors."

            The 

            "He could still be lying.  I can't believe that Hogwarts would do something like that."

            "Maybe we should call that Bumblebee guy…"

            "Dumbledore.  He should know. But I have to be sure.  I won't turn in fellow werewolf if he's on our side."

Lesson 11a:  The Aurors are not Hare Krishnas

            At the Catcher house over a nice dinner of cod stew Berney had just about had it here to his wife's suspicious accusations.

            "I'm telling you.  Where is he then?"

            "Darla.  The Dursley's are annoying sure.  They might let their crab grass get into our lawn.  Vernie's car alarm might go off at all hours I can tell you one thing with the utmost certainty.  They did not kill that boy."

            They had too.  I mean he lived their and they only have a two bedroom house just like ours.  So then he just vanishes."

            "He could go away at school."

            "They're hiding some secret.  I didn't even know the kids name.  Do you think they were running something with child pornography?"

            "You are a suspicious old woman Darla Catcher."

            "You said the dog took your beer."

            Before anything could be mentioned yet another interruption.

            A woman with dark hair in a bun was behind the door.

            "I need to look in your garage."

            "Sorry Ma'am. We're Christian.  We're not Hari Krishna or Hindu or…  No no no."

            "Darla they came all this way.  At least let them in.  
            "If we're nice to them they'll just come back to try to let us join there cult."

            The woman looked down at her black and golden robe "Cult?"

            "Auror Black, mind your manners.  We have to be more polite then that."

            Mrs. Figg walked in.  A woman from down the way with too many cats and silly welsh accent. "Mrs. Catcher.  We just need to look in your garage real quickly?  Won't take but a second, poppet."

            "Mrs. Figg have you joined a cult." Darla asked.

            "Nope. We're looking for a fellow. Dirty, dark hair, blue eyes goes by the name of Sirius Black.  Like this one here."

            Polaris sniffed "I have no brother…" her voice was gravelly, flinty and filled with angst.

            "Sure we haven't forgotten that Black. Of course you don't have a brother.  I was just explained to Darla our situation."

            "But I-"Black was cut off.

            "Auror Black, go in and check the garage." Mrs. Figg said.

            The woman ran into their garage.

            "Hello Bosco."  Mrs. Figg kissed him on the nose.

            The dog looked green.

            "Hangover."  Berney said.  Serves him right."

            "What's wrong with you?" Mrs. Figg repeated.

            The dog barked slurred and began wagging his tail sloppily.

            "You're drunk." Mrs. Figg gasped.

            Arabella picked up the dog and smelled it.         

            "You gave your dog beer?" Mrs. Figg glared at Darla.

            "Bosco." Darla shrieked.  "What happened?"

            "He's but a wee creature.  You are animals you awful person."

            "I didn't give him any beer.  He stole it out of the fridge." Berney said.

            The Jacky rolled and vomited.

Arabella Figg pursed her lips. "You're off my Christmas card list Darla Catcher.  You can't treat a dog like that."

            "It's not Darla's fault.  See if I let you check my mail while we're in Greece this summer." Berney grumbled.

            "I never did it until the last day anyway!" Mrs. Figg admitted

            Finally the broad in the yellow robe came out of the garage.

            "He's not in here.  Have you seen Sirius Black?" Aura Black as her name was said.

            She held up a poster.

            "Yeah, I saw a bloke.  He was sleeping in my dog house.  Hair to his bottom.  Crazy looking cook.  He went to the air port. Just take Treacle Road down to Privet Drive and you'll come on the Expressway.  It's only ten minutes…"

            "Airport?"

            "I'm sure you can catch him."

            He actually left 5 hours ago and went west towards the train station.

            The weirdo cult members didn't even say goodbye they ran towards their green car in the street and jumped in like in one of them cops shows."

            "I didn't know he was serious about being chased."

            "Why'd ya do that Berney?  They'll just come back in a week and try to sell us magazines and flowers. You have to scare the dregs away."

            "I don't think they were in no cult."

            "Well why did you tell them anything?"

            "Well he gave me the money.  He didn't seem like a bad guy.  I wouldn't want those crazy culties to get him."

            "You know if we had an alarm system like the Dursley's we could turn it on fer the solicitors and whoever wants to break in our house."

            "Here we go again.  Always babbling about them…"

            The dog passed out.


	9. Chapter 9 Peanut Butter and Infidelity, ...

Lesson 14: People make Mistakes

(or Trigun is the Bomb Biggity)

            Hermione smiled, she presented her surprised DaDA teacher with a large box.

            The other students hovered around in a wide circle.  Draco Malfoy even hovered around the edge curious to see.  But the second the other Slytherins in class noticed he was, he snorted, trying to maintain his cool.

            "We got you something, Professor Lupin."

            "Yeah it was Hermione's idea."

            "It's a quilt."

            "A quilt?"  Remus Lupin wasn't exactly sure.

            "Oh yes.  I had a dog and when she was going to have her puppies.  Well I thought you might want to have something soft and comfortable."

            "Oh it's lovely Hermione.  But Why white?"

            "Because I had everyone in class sign it." Hermione smiled.

            Remus Lupin beamed "You didn't."

            The quilt was covered in signatures and elaborations.

            "Dear Remus, I can't believe your going to have a baby!  It's cool. Get Back Soon before Snape Eats Us. Ronald Weasley"  He always wrote his name out in cursive.

            Ginny's curly heart laden cursive "Congradulation on Your Puppies ^___^ Ginny Weasely."  In the corner there was a very tidy almost Slytherin print.  Only one SLytherin he knew didn't write in cursive. he could recognize from his werewolf essay "Get well Soon. Good luck… DM"

            Draco frowned and tried to break eye contact with the professor.  God forbid a Slytherin ever show his emotion.

            Remus smiled at the untidy scrawl of Lee Jordan "LUPIN ROX!  SNAPE BLOWS!"

            Severus glowered at the back of the classroom.

            "What is all this about, Remus?  Lupin I thought Professor Dumbeldore-"

            "The class is all your's, Severus."

            The Slytherin shivered.  Did Professor Lupin call him by his first name?"

            "I'm just saying goodbye." Remus said.

            "Goodbye?"  Professor Snape had trouble conceptualizing the fact that, he a teacher, liked his students and wanted to be their friends.

            "Well you better give me a pen."

            "You want to sign it Professor Snape?" Hermione looked stunned.

            "Correct it.  Yes 'Snape is weirdo'  is ei not ie for weird.  And last time I checked the dictionary Mr. Longbottom Horrible has no 'u'  ah yes and Professor Snape eats … Shit-ake mushrooms."[1]

            Later that day when Snape returned to his potions classroom Remus was their reading a book. Snape sat in his laboratory knowing the looney werewolf had planned to take over his laboratory.  Serve him right whatever happened to him there.

            Caius, the raven, regarded Lupin more seriously now. Considering he was intent on becoming part of the geography, Caius better learn to exploit him as part of his territory

            "Wolf." He said.

            "Yes very perceptive." Remus said adoringly "Do you remember me Caius?"

            "Raaat?"  The bird rubbed against him.

            "Excuse me?"  Remus raised an eyebrow.

            Caius said. "My word…"It said in an eerie echo of Snape's voice.

            "Caius.  He usually gets adulation for showing off his ability to speak."

            "Perspicacious. Garrulous, Talkative."  Caius blinked at him.

            "The more words he says the more likely he is to be fed." Severus said putting the book back on his shelf.

             "Raaaat."

            "Don't give him anything to eat." Severus wagged his finger.  "Even if you think it's not edible…  he might."        

            "Does he really speak Or is it just mimicry?" Remus asked.

            "He might as well be a Goth Parrot.  He has vocabulary of rounding 340 words, unless he's hiding them from me.  Ravens can do that. Leave. Leave."

            Caius flapped his wings.

            Snape opened a jar and pulled out a prinkly nasty ball.  Remus thought it looked like a rather tiny mace.

            "Go play with your pricklies.  Leave me alone. I have work to do."

            "Pricklies. Prick Prickety Prick prick prick." Caius shouted.

            "If I ever found out who taught you that…"  Snape tossed it in the air.

            "What are those?" Remus Lupin asked.

            Snape rolled his eyes.  He knew this would happen.  The second anyone saw you working on a new potion you had to do an itemized list of everything you were using and doing, so they could be entertained as well.  Now Lupin was so entrenched down here, he'd demand such attention.

            "It's sea urchins." Snape said trying to effect the tone "It's none of your business"

            "Don't they have sea urchin powder now?" Remus asked.

            "It doesn't work as well." Snape said coldly.

            Cauis tossed the urchin in the air.  The raven caught it in his beak and balanced it.  He was enjoying himself.  Snape let out only the tiniest smile as he rolled his eyes.

            Remus hid his own smirk.

            Of course real urchins were better for potions, not to mention that adorable ravens couldn't play with powdered sea urchin.  Snape would be loathed to admit any sort of affection to anything alive or dead, Remus thought to himself.

            Without watching Caius too closely he flew across the room with his toy.

            "Prick."  Caius threw the ball at Remus's face.  Remus ducked and covered his head. The spine stuck in his hand.

            "Ouch." Remus said pulling the urchin spine out, tossing it away, "My bloody hand.  What was he--"

            The raven laughed.

            "Don't worry it's not as poisonous once it is dead.  I'd never let him play with anything that could kill him."

            Remus didn't know who was more obvious the cranky brooding mysterious raven, or the bird throwing the urchins at him.

            "He snaps them in half. He likes to break off the spines."

            Caius began crunching the urchin in his beak.

            "Couldn't they hurt him?  Poke his tongue."

            "He never complains.  He can eat wingnuts and screws whole.  Once I saw him crack a steel nut and bolt in two pecks.  He could burglarize muggles if he so desired."

            Caius tried to sneak up on the ball, probably pretending it was some tasty animal.

            "Bytheprick-ing of me thumbs some-ing wick-ed this way caaaames."   

            "He remembers his Shakespeare. What a smart bird."

            "He's been off color.  Caius is on a strict diet of chicken with no bones and live lizards." 

            "Sensible diet." Lupin said.

            "He's had horrible colic since, he ate that box of chocolate frogs.  When he saw them moving he thought they were real.  Didn't you, you silly bird? He's so silly."  Snape itched his head.

            Snape could have been talking to the bird affectionately, like one would coo at an owl or parrot.  But Snape would admit no such tendencies. If ravens could blush he would have.  He threw the urchin in the air. Caius took to the rafters. Being petted in public was something that now male creature could abide.  . 

            "Besides with Midterms around the corner who knows what they'll feed him to get at me.  Posioned rats, hexed frogs.  One year the Gryffindors glamoured him with a red and gold stripe on him during the Quidditch Cup.  He was mortified."

            "Lion baaaaaaad."

            "No one would try to hurt a familiar." Remus asked.

            Snape didn'tlook up, "Just ask the Weasely's about their fake exploding familiar joke."  Snape looked down. "Maybe if he's better this weekend I'll get some duck."

            "RAAAaaaat." Caius cheered.  "Bony Bone… Feefye fo fum. I smelled the bones of an Englishmun"

            Snape scruffed behind him wing bones.

            "Ravens are a lot more omnivorous than you would think. They'll eat anything you will.  Course they won't touch beer."

            Lupin was content watching the raven's antics.

            "Prick Prick Prick Wolf. Prick wolf." He said.  "Prick wolf."

            Lupin was surprised. "Hey there… Is he calling me a-"

            "Wolf." Caius said. He kicked the urchin "Pricklies Pricklies." Caius gave an innocent look to Lupin. Then cackled to himself.

            He never expected an owl to curse at him, let alone cover it up.  He was pretending to talk about something else. These Ravens were something else.

            "The problem with having two people in a room is that eventually one of them will talk."

            "I don't have to."

            "Oh but you do Lupin."

            "You just…"

            "Well maybe I don't want you staring at me." Snape waved him on.  "Give me the love story."

            "The love story?"

            "You Black.  Ad inifitium. Ad nauseum.  You've got to explain it to me."

            "No I don't."

            "Is it as I thought?  You and Sirius falling in love at Hogwarts. Innocent crush. Schoolboy shenanigans.  Sigh.  It could be a serial in Witches World Weekly.  The witches would love it."

            Remus groaned.

            "It's such a pretty thing.  Kisses under the bleachers, notes in class, scromping in the showers.  Midnight bike rides.  Oh how precious. I could just be sick." Snape smiled "It makes me just want to gag."

            "Sirius? The Male Gryffin-whore.  I had better taste than that. I wasn't dating anyone then."

            "Well then I can't excuse your lack judgement for your tender age.  Didn't anyone tell you werewolves mate for life? They have one mate?  Why did you waste that chance on him?"

            "I was a late bloomer. I was thinking about Arithmancy tests and Quidditch and Gobbers and music.  I wasn't thinking about sex."

            "So why don't you tell me when this all began?  The moment you lost your mind and decided to mate with Sirius Black," Snape said. "I could use a nice horror story."

            "Well it was about 1980, I think. Everyone told me that werewolves mate for life. I was working at a Girls Academy, Twinklebotts Academy for Young Ladies. I wasn't in a werewolf pack and had no intention of selling my soul to he who must not be named.  That was when all those English Werewolves turned to the dark, turned to him.  That was well known, but it wasn't common knowledge that lots of Werewolves on our side were targeted.  Most of the ones for the Light fled to America."

            Snape almost felt his arm burn "I remember it.  I knew."

            "You can't convince me some of the Higher up Death Eaters weren't targeting them.  They did such awful things. I came out okay.  Deatheaters killed a lot of werewolves, too.  You won't hear that."

            "I know that too." 

            "It was all of a sudden.  There was a big conspiracy by the Ministry.  A few less werewolves in the world might have been a good thing.  It was April when I got a fork bomb from the Deatheaters. They never found out who sent it."

            "Fork bomb." Snape looked out the window.  It was not a question.  Few people realized it was a haunted memory.

"You've heard about the fork bombs?"

"It was a brilliant device.  It could pass any detector.  But the spell hurled silver and iron shrapnel…" Snape crossed his thumbs "It was a really advanced amalgamation, the charm activated a residual potion."

  "It was undetectable, harmless and then brutal.  A wizarding genius came up with it." Remus continued.

            Snape looked out the window, "53 werewolves died, even werewolf children.  The last fork bomb was sent to Jennifer and Herman Pierreson, before they were brutally ripped apart by Death Eaters, with silver implements.  There were only a handful of people who knew they were more than simple muggles.  The Ministry hid that secret well enough.  No one ever would admit what they were, Werewolf Martyrs who had given their lives to the side of Light."

            Remus didn't listen to the darkness in Severus's voice.  He continued to talk and not listen. He looked at him "If you know that, you know enough about silver and Werewolves.  I almost was killed by that fork bomb.  But I was cleaning under my desk, that very second I got the call from Sirius.  The most extraordinary miracle."

            Snape looked at him, "You were lucky.  If you had taken a silver fork in your eyeball, you wouldn't be here."

            "I was okay.  I stayed in my office for 5 hours afraid to move.  The Headmaster wondered why I was late to the staff dinner and came down to see if I was sick. The explosion gave the Headmaster of Twinklebotts a two-inch scar above his eye."

            "That is a miracle." Snape frowned.  The weight of dark words upon him.

            "When the Headmaster found out I was a werewolf, he didn't want werewolf professor teaching young ladies.  I couldn't argue.  After all what if Death Eaters attacked my classroom?  Of course he was more upset that I had lied on my application than the safety of the girls.  My parents wanted me back home, father was still at Berringtons and I could have gotten a nice factory job.  But Sirius had other plans.  He was a Junior Auror, and saw it as his duty to protect me.  So I stayed in London, looking for work and moved in with Sirius."

            "There was the mistake."

            Remus didn't answer.

            "So when did you get it in your head to mate with him?"

            "I never should have.  I should have just waied it out.  I was such a stupid kid.  I couldn't remember a time without him, so I couldn't imagine the world with out him.  He was so patient and sweet.  And he was always there.  I tried to give it a proper go.  Dated a few girls.  Of course it didn't work out.  A few boys, even worse."

            "Wait a second.  1979, fall October. Were you still seeking a mate?" Severus sat up all the way and grabbed the edges on his chair.

            "Yes."

            "I knew it. You took me out that lunch that one time, you were very excited discussing convulvus root…  Oh my God.  You were trying to get up into my apartment weren't you?"

            "Maybe you were my backup.  You were dear Severus and you were always civil to me. Considering certain things…"

            "I really thought you wanted to see my muggle record collection." Snape said disappointed.

            "Oh Snape please." Remus frowned, "No one wants to hear all 12 of your stupid Kinks albums.  Schoolboys in Disgrace… " Remus spit.

            "I feel disgusted.  I'm tempted to sic my raven on you."

            "I think it was the pony tail. You could fill turtleneck sweater very well."

            "Ah.  Remind to wear robes until I die." Snape said, 

            "Forgive me, Severus, I was just an emotional hormonal child."

            "Peeves is right. You are a floozy who hates Ray Davies." Snape sneered "Caius, if Mr. Lupin moves to close to me, call for help. No grab my quick dissolve potion."

            "Wolfy Wolf." Caius wolf whistled.

            "Shut up.  You are my familiar, not the peanut gallery," Snape said

            "You see how desperate and foolish I was," Remus said.

            "Taken." Snape waved him off  "Let us never speak of it again." Snape clutched his forehead,  "Where does The S.O.B. fit in?"

            "SOB SOB SOB SOB." Caius sang spinning on his perch "Essobee."

            "You taught him that, didn't you?" Remus crossed his arms.

            "No I didn't," Snape said.

            "It sounds like your voice." Lupin said.

            "But he enjoys it so much." Snape grinned.

            Remus continued.

            "Sirius. He was so patient.  I knew it couldn't have been easy for him.  I left him very unsatisfied.  I was a tease.  Then I got it in my head to start sabotaging his relationships. Hanging up on girls I knew liked him, slipping unsubtle hints he was married, or had chlamydia."

            "You said he had chlamydia?" 

            "Once I even pretended he lived with his mother."

            "Didn't his mother die when he was a child?" Severus made a disgusted groan.

            "He never realized it.  He couldn't know how important it all was.  He was just so happy he could get his hand down my pants.  We were so stupid."

            "So then you mated before Halloween, oh how sad you're new mate turned evil and fouled everything up, and spent the next twelve years pining for him until the Shreiking Shack."

            "Of course not.  We mated last summer.  He was too immature.  We didn't even get past third base."

            Snape sat back down.

            "Then what was that useless maudlin pathetic story about? To frighten me and make me doubt my heterosexuality"

            "You told me to fill the air. You wanted a love story.  I'm sorry it's not very good.  But it's mine."

            "I knew it. It must have been prison." Snape said, "Anybody who would mate with you would have to be criminally insane."

*****

            They had spent most of the night traveling by the Muggle Bus back to Gwydion Yard.  Damn Lukas had to try a barnroll and alert the entire region of Northumbria and parts of France where they were.  They sat on the bus  looking out the window.

            "Harry could still be lying.  I can't believe that Hogwarts would do something like that."

            They came to a stop. The driver lady announced into the speaker, "D___ on M___ Watch your parcels.  Won't be leaving for another fifteen minutes. We're going then whether you're on the bus or not."

            Lukas and Fen stayed on the bus finally free to talk about the case. They were alone. Lukas's nose caught a whiff.  Ah ale and vomit cologne.  He plugged his nose as he passed the bum sleeping on the seat, but now he was sitting far enough away.

            "Maybe we should call that Bumblebee guy…"

            "Dumbledore.  He should know. But I have to be sure."

            There was a loud demonstrative snore from the bum after that.  At least they could drown out any noise.

            "About what.  We've already established that Black and Lupin are connected."

            "Well if we have Lupin we can use him to get Black."

            "I won't turn in fellow werewolf if he's on our side."

            "He is kin.  But not clan.  Why do you care?  He might be Sirius Black's lover.  He might be his accomplise.  If he helped him escape I'd shut that pregnant dork in Azkaban myself."

            "We don't get Azkaban.  They will put him down."

            "He's a human being.  They can't put him down."

            "Not in England.  This isn't America.  They've always hated our kind here."

            What I want to know is how come he isn't a werewolf?"

            "This is the nineties Lykos?  Safer sex.  They might not even do it.  It could be a cover for his accomplise."

            "Could be perfectly nice masochist who just likes dating dark wizards.  Like Fonzy or Hannibal Lechter." 

            "Fonzy never blew up a gas main."

            "You know Voldemort had quite a following amoung"

            "Gross…"

            Fen Grieves opened the door to the bus's bathroom.

            "They said that following Black is like dancing with death.  You get to close and you see a big black devil hound."

            "That's ridiculous.  It's just his form."

            "It's poetic though."

            "Well being a big black devil hound myself, it doesn't sound too strange."

            "Where is Stinky going?"

            "Yeah he forgot his luggage."  Lukas kicked the beer bottle he left behind. 

            Lukas froze. It was a butter beer bottle.  He ran up to the front of the bus.

There had been a wizard on the bus and they didn't even realize it.

            "Where did that guy back there go?"  He demanded of the driver.

            "I told him 15 minutes… But he had to go out and take a leak."

            "What's gotten into you…"

            Lukas tossed Fen the butter beer.

            "Stop this bus." Fen said, "That man is a fugitive of justice."

            "We-"

            On the side of the road a tall stranger waved at them. Immediately the image of the young boy in the year book popped into mind.  Those pretty baby blue eyes.

            Fen spun out his wand and hexed the door open.

            "What on Earth? Get back in here!"

            He jumped out the open bus door.

            "Sorry, about that." Lukas waved.

            Their werewolf bodies were pretty sturdy and at least.  They ran down the night road bickering as they sped after him.

            "He was snoring wasn't he?"

            "Did he hear us?"

            "Did he look wizard to you?"

            "People don't look wizard with they are covered in ale.  I didn't even give him a second look."

            They followed Black off the road into the meadow, into the copse.

            "Oh crap crap crap crap."

            Lukas tripped over a tree root.

            "Ouch." 

            "He's heading for cover."

            "Let split up." Fen said running ahead.

*****

            Remus was wrapped up in his new quilt on the couch.

            "Snape eats Shitake mushrooms?"

            "I can't believe they made that for you." Severus grumbled.

            "It's wonderful isn't it?"

            "The only thing a student ever made for me was a voodoo doll with a large nose and pins in the stomach and the feet."

            "Did it work?"  

            "Ask my chiropoedist.  He's about to have me assainated."

            "So what do we do now?"

            "There is only one thing to do.  When you're mentally and emotionally drained.  When the world has abandoned you." Snape gestured.

            "We're not going to get drunk, are we?"

            "Okay… I'll think of something else." Snape said.

*****

            Lukas had found a cave within seconds of leaving the main road.  His keen hunting ears picked up motion at the back of it..

            "Is something there?"

            A large dog appeared.

            "Hey boy.  
            The dog whimpered.

            Lukas was a rather skinny werewolf but big in his own right, so he felt comfortable around big dogs.  They usually could be understood.  He couldn't write a Dog to Werewolf to Human dictionary.  But it was easy to guess.

            This was not a dog underneath his skin.  This wasn't a dog brain.

            "Who are you?"

            The change was instant.

            "SHIIIIIII-"

            Lukas screamed and flung a fire curse into the cave. Screaming the man jumped out of the way.

            Lukas flamed the entire cave. But the man disappeared in a shag of rotten black hair and robes.

            How on Bloody Earth could a guy half drunk off his ass manage to run faster than a 23 year old werewolf?

            Lukas looked about in the night.

            "He's gone." Lukas shouted.

            He quickly ran out of the cave shouting for his partner."Fen.  Fen."

            The older werewolf was still looking

            "Any luck?"  Fen asked coolly panting himself.

            "I saw him."

            "You did."

            "Sorry SOB. He changed into that goddamn dog." Lukas said.

            "I guess the reports are right… ANimagus." Fen said.  He tapped Lukas on the shoulder, "We gotta call for back up.  Prepare to meet the 8th animagus in a century."

            "Welcome to the Aurors.  Travel to Exotic places, Meet interesting people and kill them."

            Fen scribbled on a piece of paper and aparated it to HQ

*****

            The two professors lay on the floor next to the chocolate chip cookies.  Severus continued his discussion.

            "Now when you start your vacation you have to be specific."

            "I'm in a moon light meadow in the the alps."

            "Cricket cricket." Caius taunted.

            "A baby fawn laps up water from a silver stream.  The shimmering chirp of frogs.  The soft summer breeze."

            "Cricket cricket."

            "The bird has been eaten by an owl." Snape gritted his teeth. 

            "I want to go to the beach. The French Rivieria."

            "Where?"  

            "I'm in Cannes? Monaco!"

            "Balderdash.  No one goes to Cannes this time of year."

            "Alright I'm in Saint Tropez."

            "You harlot.  Looking for love already? Sirius Black not even cold in his grave."

            "I can imagine I'm in St. Tropez okay. And your coming with me." Remus closed his eyes.

            "I hate the beach." Severus whinged.

            "All Right.  We are on the Beach of St. Tropez?"

            "Yes."

            They all closed their eyes again.

            "The gleaming tans of the Sunbathers like golden suns.  The hot Mediterranean sun baking down…  Are sure you aren't too hot?"

            "No.  The sun will do me good." Remus said, putting his hands behind his head.

            "You feel the splash of the sea.  Salty and warm. A Swedish Bikini model throws a Frisbee and it veers off course into your… no wrong audience for that detail."

            "This beach certainly is crowded.  With all these bikini models. Maybe we should have gone to Monaco." Remus drawled.

            "Nah.  Too crowded there too. With us and every other guy on the beach?"

            "My towels getting wet." Snape grumbled.

            "Oh sit on my mat, here. It's bamboo  It's too small for a towel…" Remus said.

            "The sun is Tangerine and brilliant and hot.  You can feel it bake away your worries." Snape said.

            "We have to come back here soon." Remus sighed.  "Even if the sand does feel like a dungeon floor."

            Hagrid stared at the professors lying on the ground. He placed the raw potato and lime juice salad in a bowl on the table.

            "Beeeeeeeach.." Caius said to Hagrid.

            The giant stood silently.

            "Is the bird still dead?" Remus asked.

            "Yes it was carried off by a giant Aegean squid." Snape nodded.

            Remus laughed.

            Hagrid decided to walk out of the room at this point, before they realized he was there. They were taking on of those odd 5 minute vacations, just lying there togetheron the dungeon floor, peacefully.

            Hagrid always knew Snape was more bark than bite, if anyone would give him the chance.  Maybe considering how much time Remus was spending down here they'd be little friendlier around each other.  He still hadn't killed Lupin over the Pizza Incident, nor Hagrid himself.  And it appeared that now Snape had made some kind of friend.

            Hagrid tiptoed out of the room and smiled.  He knew that Snape was more bark than bite.  You just needed to prove yourself to him and he'd become as sweet as a mama dragon. Hagrid closed the door.

            "What was that? The waves crashing on the shore."

            "And the buoy, floating in the cape."

            The two men began to ding.

________________________________________________________________

Lesson 15: A fluke ain't nothing but a sun fish

            The owl returned. Fen held up his arm.

            "Apprehend suspect.  Bring him in alive.  A contingent of Dementors will meet you at the rendevous."

            Grieves read the owl's message.

            Lukas sat down.

            "Like I said the big time." Fen shooked his head

            "Dementors.  God I thought… well I didn't think…"  Lukas got a cold feeling.

            "Yeah you don't have to worry this much in slaying."

            Lukas sat down putting his head between his knees "People go to the Dementors.  People go to Azkaban.  That's why it is there." Fen said "He cursed 13 people to death.  He tried to kill Harry Potter."

            "Harry doesn't think so." Fen said.

            "I think its cause he escaped." Lukas leaned back.  "It doesn't work. Man my muggle uncle was in Jail five times."

            "Azkaban isn't jail."  Fen said.

            "I just want to kill him."Lukas shook his head.

            "Lukas that is the wolf talking.  We are human beings.  We are Aurors.  We'll bring him in or die trying." 

            "Or kill."

            Lukas shoved a clip into his nine millimeter. He holstered it in his pocket. 

            Fen rolled out his wand case. "There is nothing to match a good English wand."He opened a tiny black case.

            "Lukas."

            Lukas turned around. "Huh?"

            "Can you use a wand?"  Fen asked him

            "I didn't train with one.  I learned the finger zapper technique. But I could try."

            Fenrir nodded.  Yeah I heard the taught that in America.  Just think of the wand as an extension of the finger.  The power in your finger channeling into a perfect beam of energy."

            Lukas picked up the wand.  And eery golden light surrounded him a wind blew "Sweet."           

            "This one is for you."

            "Really?"

            "I don't know.  Normally the wand choses the wizard.  If It works it must have been made for you. Try it."

            Lukas holstered the gun completely. A brightness came over him, his blue eyes glowed.

            "Kicking."

            He pointed at a stone.

            "Accio Stone."

            The stone zipped quickly. Lukas was surprised how must easier it was to focus with a wand. He was a pretty good draw.  He was Captain of the Dueling Squad back at the Conservatory in Savannah.  His speed already tripled with the wand in his hand, rather than his puny finger.

            "Man.  That's great."

            "It's a good wand. A lot like mine.  Oak, for strength and one Storm Dragon Scale. My father brought two from the East when I was little.  One for his son, one waiting for the right kind of guy to pick it up."

            Lukas looked at the wand. "Thanks Chief."  
            "Lukas. I love ya chap.  You're like my son."

            "Yeah."

            "Lukas, If anything should happen…"

            "What's going to happen? This guy is not going to escape you.  You're Fen Grieves.  You are the best.  You-"

            "This is if anything happens.  If I die, If I go wolfy or pregnant, I want you to become Packleader."

            "What?"

            "Lukas. You're a good kid.  Take care of the Pack."

            "You know I will."

            "And keep Lupe safe okay, and Penny and little Pablo."

            "All right.  If you promise to stop talking about it."

            "Now lets get going.  We've got a rendevous."

*****

            Remus began rustling in his quilted cocoon.

            "What do you want?  Sleeping potions.  I-"

            "I can't relax.  My eyes won't shut."

            "Let me get you something."

            "I couldn't sleep anyway.  You just get to bed."

            "I can't sleep with you here awake.  I can barely sleep with someone else in the room.  I always hated slumber parties.  Until everyone was asleep I had to stay awake."

            "You sure that wasn't just Slytherin parties?"

            Severus began rooting through his medicine cabinet. "Do you want me to rub you belly until you pass out?"

            Remus blushed "I had no idea you swung on that vine?  Here I thought you were straight as a Roman Road."

            "Oh grow up, Lupin! Didn't your mother do that?"

            "Mum wasn't a hair toussler type.  She was the spit in a napkin to wash muck of your face kind of mum.  Dad always tucked me in.  He spent a good 5 mintues making sure I was asleep and stuff.  He might have worked to hard, but he tried to see me in bed every night.  You can't expect Slytherins to be demonstrative I suppose."

            "Your father?"

            "Mother.  I'm the product of an average family.  Workaholic Ravenclaw, Frustrated Slytherin Housewife.  It could have been a case study by Betty Friedan. I'm the only real tragedy in their lives."  Remus smiled "What about yours?"

            "Go to sleep." Severus laughed sly grimace on his face.

            Remus closed his eyes. "You know my mother gave up coffee, alcohol when I was born. familiars, garlic and polite Pureblood society when I was enraptured.  When I came out she gave up the dream of Grandchildren, and now I can't even tell her about her bloody grand daughter."

            "Mothers are wonderful people." Snape just wanted him to shut up.

            "She was an over possessive, obsessive compulsive, angry, bitter, amoral irrational Slytherin beauty queen who could have been anything she wanted to be had she just given up on me and my problems"

            Severus sat down.

            "I love my mother."

            "She's sounds like a peach.

            Remus began to bury his head. "What Am I doing, Severus?"

            Severus knew he had to try something.

            "You are sentimental twat aren't you?"

            "Hmm?" Remus ignored the insult."

            "Lupin you are a kindhearted little git, who doesn't belong in this school. Open up a kindergarden…" Snape needled him half heartedly.

            Remus sighed "I didn't think you'd be of any use.  I'll just-"

            Snape held his arm. "I'm not finished.  I'm only going to say this once. But anyone can see all of these disasterously womanish and feeble qualities would make you one excellent bitch."

            "I hate you." Remus said softly.

            "It's technical term."

            "Don't make me rip off your nose."

            "You will be a good wife, a good partner, a good mother. I guess. A wonderfully caring sweet adoring mother.  And…" Severus patted him on the head. "I think the baby, would be lucky."

            "You do?"

            Snape cleared his throat. "I'd be free of you. I could finally teach Defense Against the Dark Arts appropriately. And you wouldn't bother me with questions. Go to sleep."

            "Ah Snape.. Sometimes I actually can believe the words that come out of your mouth."

****

            In the borders of the wilderness along the edge of the Forbidden Forest.  Sirius Black began to peer out from the darkness.  He sloughed off his canine form and huddled against the ground.

            If they were using raw oak he could face them.  Oak always had a breaking in period for wands. He could transfigure without a wand clear enough. An animagus had to learn that quickly or die in a foreign body.  That was one of the primary impediments.  To learn how to use magic with no spells, no incantations, just pure will.  He could do it well enough, but against two wizards. It would not work

            He would have to try it.  One quick spell and then run like a bastard.  Something simple defensive…

            He opened his hand, gesturing towards the Aurors.

            "Expellarmus."  Sirius shouted

            Sirius opened his eyes.

            "There he is! Hex him!"

            Oh well.  Incatations were never his strong point.

            Fen Grieves spun around.  Sirius jumped out of the way.  They tussled.  But Sirius slipped away forcing Fen against the ground.  Apparently he was still good and wrestling an opponent to the ground, despite the fact he was smaller.  Anyone was smaller than this behemoth.

            Had to think.  Had to act! had to do magic…

            Sirius Black held his arms, he jammed Fen's own wand against his adam's apple.

            If magic didn't work there was always brute violence.

            "Oh Christ that was awesome.  Did you see that mate?  I laid you out." Sirius chuckled at himself.  "I'm getting better at this.  I thought most of my combat training went to waste in Azkaban.

            Fen gritted his teeth.  Sirius gripped the wand.

            "Of course Animagus.  You can transfigure without a wand.  I guess we weren't being careful enough.  You could have probably killed us all with a flick of your pinky."

            "Gawrsh. You think?"

            But then the other Auror approached.

            "See you werewolves hunt in packs too." Sirius said softly.

            Lukas pointed his wand.

            "Cool off. Werewolves are my favorite kinds of people.  Don't wanna hex your partner over here.  I almost forgot how then what?"

            "Put him down." Lukas glared, his bright blue eyes inhumanly psyching Sirius out.

            "Drop your wand.  Let's just talk and be cool.  I don't got no problem with a werewolves."

            "A dog animagus wouldn't."

            Lukas pulled out a gun, a sawed off nine millimeter.

            "This wand is new.  Back off Black, or I will bust a cap in your ass."

            "Look put down the gun," Sirius's voice broke. "I can't kill him. Please I can't.  Don't make me…"

            Lukas pulled out his gun hand "Sorry." 

            "Lukas." Fen closed his eyes gritting his teeth.

            Black hadn't intened on that.  

            "I won't let you kill him to get me.  He's just doing his job.  I won't let you kill him.  I didn't do anything.  I'm innocent." Sirius shouted.

            "Die."

            Sirius gulped throwing up his hand screaming "NOOOOOO!"

*****

            "What is that noise?" Remus's whole body stiffened he lept to his feet. "Gunshot."

            Snape stood up "Hang here, Lupin…  Just don't move."

            "Blast it.  I'm feeling better." Lupin said "I can help."

            "I said don't move.  We can't you going out like this."

            "Severus.  It sounded like gun fire.  We have too…"     

            Severus slammed the door and locked it.

            "You can't leave me in here." Remus pounded on the door.

            "We can't have crazies running about when there is a crisis.  I am your substitute.  What are you going to do? Turn him into milk?"

            Remus cleared his throat.  Severus could see his expression through the door.

            "I'll be back soon."

            "But Severus…"

            Severus gritted his teeth, "Just try to think about the 'baby'.  You wouldn't want to hurt it."

            "I almost forgot."

            _Did I remind him he was pregnant?_ "I'm an idiot."

            "Good Luck Sev." Remus said hushed.

*****

            Sirius looked up.

            He scraped the peanut butter off his face.

            In front of him the rookie auror stood absolutely stunned.

            "Oh my God.  I did it." He said.  Sirius looked down at his fingers his hands.

            "He changed the bullets into peanut butter." Lukas trembled, his gun fell down.

            "Simple viscousity and spell.  But I was hoping it would turn into something less sticky." 

            "You aren't bloody human.  A wizard can't do that.  How'd you do that?"

            "Oh my god.  That was bloody brilliant."  Sirius continued scraping the peanut butter off "I'm a genius.  I'm a genius.  I am the greatest wizard…"

            Fen stood up and pointed wand at him.

            "Well I just did….  I'm sorry.  But it was cool wasn't it?  I mean bullets and then peanut butter.  Well?"

            "We can't have you in the world, Black." Fen said

            Lukas shook his head. "Why'd you do it?  You could have stolen Fen's wand and hexed us all to death.  Now you're caught.  And there is only one thing we can do.  The Dementors."

            "I'm innocent.  How many times do I have to tell you people?"

            "Really who did it?  The one armed man?"

            "He's missing a finger." Sirius said.

            "You got your movies mixed up, brother."

            "Yes that was Hitchcock." Fen said, "With Richard Hannay in 'the 39 steps.'"

            "You have to let me escape.  You can just turn your heads."

            "The problem is we are werewolves too. We like to hunt."

            "We like to hunt worthless disgusting psychos who have nothing better to do than kill little kids."

            "Who was a going to kill? I was here to see Remus."

            "You were here to get Potter." Lukas began baring his teeth.

            "No." Sirius shouted "I'd never hurt Harry."

            "Maybe."

            "Look give a bloke a break.  Just let me-" 

            "Maybe, you're lying to me." Lukas's nostrils flared.  He was focused on his prey, trapped and helpless.  It was intoxicating.  But he had to get control

            "Lukas calm down."

            "Maybe I was just here to see Remus. That ever occur to you." He shouted.

            "Maybe you were. I don't care.  You're mine Black." Lukas gripped his wand.

            "Just turn yourself in."   

            "Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe he's behind you." 

            "Don't play it. He's bluffing.  He's sopped after that crazy peanut butter spell.  He couldn't do anything but run.  He's bargaining."

            "Maybe he's sneaking right out of the shadow." Sirius looked into the shadows behind Lukas.

"Lukas. He's playing with you.  Just hex him."

"Maybe he's going to jump you right-"

             A figure jumped out of the blackness tackling the werewolf.

            "Lukas!"  Fen joined the fray.

"Crap I thought I was lying." Sirius looked at the struggle.  Then before deciding to join, took it upon himself to run like a scared little puppy.  He morphed into the black night shape of his animagus form. On towards the Forebidden Forest."

Lukas slapped the giant face of his attacker

Lupin had rescued his mate.

"Lupin?" The voice snarled indignantly.

The attacker drew his wand and pointed it at Lukas.

            "What are you doing here?" Lukas trembled. A pale yew wand was at his throat. "Who in the hell are you?"

            "Just call me the substitute Dark Arts teacher."

            They all stared.

            A huge silhouette of a great nose fell against a boulder.

            "Mr. Snape?"

            "What are you doing back here?  Roaming about pointing wands in the middle of the night.  I could have hexed this idiot into a frog."

            "Idiot?  I'm not the one who let Sirius Black get away."

            "What are you talking about?" Snape grit his teeth.

            "Black is back. He has come to kill Harry Potter."

            "Sirius Black is here."

            "He was spotted in Surrey, three blocks from Privet Drive.  He's been making a bee line here since."

            "We figured it out.  He knows Remus Lupin.  That is the connection."

            "Well…" Snape didn't want to refute them.

            "Potter was a red herring.  Sirius Black wouldn't go after him," Fen said.  "Remember what Potter said. If you really think about it makes no sense.   There is nothing he can gain.  He knows he can't touch Potter."

            "What makes you say that?"

            "If he's going after Potter then he's evil sure, but he's also stupid." Fen said "And the man we hunted is not stupid. He's not careless either.  He's not even that crazy.  Just annoying. I'd bet my life on it."

            "Are you willing to risk the life of that boy to test your theory?" Snape said.  He sensed something. The teacher knew more than he let on.

            "You were there Snape.  When he tried to kill Harry Potter..."

            The teacher's mind was wound in tight knots of confusion.  He wasn not confused about what they said.

            "Is he going after Potter or Lupin?  Because now you've confused me." Snape said.

            "We can't explain it right now." Grieves said.

            "Remus." Snape flared his nostrils.  "He could be after Remus."

            "Why didn't you tell us before?"

            "Because he is a dangerous criminal and should be caught.  I didn't think that you only cared if he was after Potter.  Apparently the only thing the Ministry can bother doing about anything is guard that damn Harry Potter."

            "But now we've got to protect Remus."

            "Remus is in my laboratory.  I had to knock him out."

"Oh god what a time for him to be pregnant." Fen Grieves looked like he could punch out a tree with his fist balled like that.

            "We'll get our men out here to do perimeter searches of the forest.  He'll have to come out eventually."

            "There is one solution.  Go in after him."

            "We don't have the man power to do that.  With Centaur and Garou Loupes and Acromantulas.  It's hopeless."

            "You could maybe talk ten werewolves to go in there, but come on.  It's only a week until the full moon.  You'd never do it in time."

            "So I guess he is lost for now."

"I'll seal off the dungeon." Snape said "My Raven is set to recognize Black on sight."

            "Ravens can't see photographs." Lukas said.

            "No he knows SOB. I knew him very well…"

            "Don't tell me you were at Hogwarts Class of 1978 too?"

            "Yes."

            Lukas looked at Fen "Do you think he was in the Good house where everyone died or Tongue Ring Amanda's house where everyone was weird?" 

            "I was in the Bad house where everyone died.  Who is this?"

            "Auror Lukas Lykos."

            Snape took one look at his Puma jumpsuit and reebok sneakers.

            "This is going to be fun."  Snape closed his robes.

            The first chance he got Severus ran towards the dungeons, down the hall to reassure Lupin he wouldn't have to go on a killing spree.

            "Remus." Snape panted.

            Severus opened the door.

            Remus's eyes were hidden by shadow.  Severus swallowed nervously.  There was something cold in his movements and animal.

            "I know what it was.  It was Sirius."

            "Um."

            Remus grit his teeth into fangs "I'll kill them.  They shot him."  With every vestige of his gentleness and vulnerability gone.

            "He's fine…"

            Remus growled first, then said one word. "Sirius…"

            Severus would never accuse gentleness with weakness again.  Remus didn't even see him.  He walked straight ahead out the door. 

            Remus was always rather frightening, not just in his ability to change into a beast, but to change so quickly.  To be driven by such maddening and awful compulsions.  He'd confused girliness with intemperance of mind.  He was motivated by his passions.  Love, fear and the darkest anger that lived in his heart. Remus would quickly remind you that passions were dangerous things.

            Snape grabbed his elbow as he tried to force his way past Severus, with cold brightness in his eyes.  A glint of golden iron.  A spark of lightning.  Snape couldn't think about over powering him.          

            "He wasn't shot." He stole Grieves wand or something t was dark and he ran away unshot.  I swear.

            "Let me out of the way." Remus slapped him aside.

            Severus had gotten used to being smacked around.  Remus was far stronger than he looked.      

            "He's not hurt.  He ran away." Severus gritted his teeth.

            Remus realized what he had done.   He gasped.

            Remus ran over to him "Severus, are you alright?"

            "Not the first scuffle I've been in all night."

            "I just…" Remus reached out.

            Severus coiled back from his attacker.

            "I'm so sorry." Remus said "Let me help you up."

            Severus wasn't going to come up with any brilliant retorts now.  Not with Lupin about to blow up in rage.

            "You were talking about something.  How…"  Remus hadn't been listening.  When he knew Sirius was hurt he had let his passions take over.

            "He changed the bullets into peanut butter.

            "You don't mean… wandless magic."

            "Mindless luck you mean.  He got away."

            Remus got very strange look on his face.

            "But peanut butter…" Remus chuckled lightly.

            Severus got a chill at that laugh.

            Remus turned away.  His chuckles were growing long and drawn louder, rocking his small body.  He covered his face.  Tears started flowing onto his hands, as he laughed and laughed.

            "Remus."

            "But they had him.  Oh Snape. He's going to be given the Dementor's kiss.  They are going to take his soul if they catch him."

            Remus grabbed Severus around his chest. "What are we going to do?  He can't fight them off."

            Severus didn't have time to shake off Remus, his own discomfort ignored. He was falling apart.  At least if he was angry, Severus could stop him.  He had to snap him out of it.  All the month of soft denials and simple insanity falling apart.  No tricks, just sorrow from the deepest part of his heart.  How long had Remus blocked his own pain.  These months at school?  His entire pregnancy? since 1981? since his birth?

            Snape grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking some sense into him, but instead forcing him to look it his eyes.

            "But he can hide like a master.  He was in animagus form when I tackled Lukas.  On my word, Sirius will make it out of here."

            Remus wailed.clutching Snape.

            "Look.  I had a feeling.  And those idiot aurors could have killed someone with that gun.  So I tackled him.  And I saw it all.  Sirius is going to make it.  He's going to survive."

            Remus stopped snarling, stopped clawing, stopped crying.  Severus had done it.  He had prevented Lupin from doing something silly.  He had stopped his tears.

            "I'm crazy, aren't I?"

            "Moody and intemperate.  But we can't live through days like this without crying."

            Remus stared up at him.  His gold eyes tired and detailed with red filigree from his tears.

            "Why.  Why do this for me? Severus."

            How many people called him Severus?  How many people had he truly helped in his life?  How many times had he given some comfort to anyone."

            "I didn't…  I just saw…"

            Remus rested his head against him "Snape thank you."

            Severus was the weak one now.  The gentle curve of Lupin's lips returned, the softness of his bright eyes.  The warmth, behind excess tears.  

            "I never cry.  Not even with him…" Remus sighed.

            "It's alright.  I haven't done anything spectacular.  I'm just standing here making sure you don't go and kill someone."

            "I could kiss you." Remus quirked up his mouth. He smiled this time.  Remus was a beautiful boy when he smiled, behind the wrinkles and the smears of saline.

            Their faces were a breath apart. Severus could feel moisture on Remus's cheek  Heat from his skin. Remus was collapsing shattering in his arms. Falling apart in heaves and sighs.

            Snape looked around.  He was winded from the battle and having anything to hold together in his arms. He had comforted Remus through his madness.

            "Um… no?" Severus closed his mouth.  But still.  The draw of his smiling mouth. Their faces only inched slowly towards each other like glaciers floating along a hot ocean stream with glacial speed.

            "No…" Severus's voice shook.

            Remus looked up at him wonderingly, tilting his head to the side.

            "n…"

            Their noses met and they began.  How incredible.  How lush and sweet his mouth was. How comfort.  How glory how…

            Snape pulled away.  They breathed

            How Remus.  This was Remus.

            "Oh it is just a figure of speech." Remus caught his breath.

            Severus put his arms to his side, yanked off Lupin. His eyes had a shocked quality.

            "Severus!"

            Caius slammed against the wall as he flew towards them.

            "Ouch."

  


* * *

[1] GOLDEN GIRLS Rocks my world.  The goat is a pet.  


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